Navigating the toddler minefield

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around your toddler? Many of us can't wait to get through that first year of our baby's life so that they are sleeping through the night, have predictable routines and can be a little bit more independent.

Then they hit two and we start wondering what on earth we were hoping for. Tantrums, defiance, more tantrums and their desperate need for independence! The toddler years herald an unpredictable minefield of emotional extremes. As Christopher Green so eloquently put it, toddlers have all the activity of an international airport without the air traffic control tower.   

I sometimes look at my own toddler and wonder where on earth (or elsewhere) he came from. How can one small creature create so much chaos and so much joy?

While speaking to a mother recently, she told me of how she had lovingly patted her stomach for nine months, talking to her child about all the wonderful things they would do together when the baby was old enough.

Now at three years of age, this toddler has mum and dad completely under her control, and they are too scared to say "no" lest it set off another 'meltdown'. How many of us can relate to this?

Toddlers universally are desperately seeking out independence and a sense of control.  They have discovered that they are not simply an extension of their mother's body, but an individual in their own right. With this revelation comes much excitement and delight, walking, talking, creating, feeding and so much more.

However, this is also a time when tantrums and behaviour problems can really start to impact on the whole family dynamic. Parents can become completely preoccupied with trying to head off the inevitable tantrums, children can learn that the louder they get the more they can wrangle out of mum and dad, and the parent-child relationship can start to become strained.

So how do we restore relative peace to the family?  The first thing we need to do is step back and recognise what the behaviour is communicating. Toddlers don't have great negotiation skills, nor do they have a high level of control over what happens in their lives.  When these two elements are combined, the results can be diabolical. 

So have a think about how you can help your child communicate what they would like in a more reasonable manner. Try saying, "When you scream like that I can't understand what you want. Try it again in a talking voice." This sends them the message that we are willing to listen when they talk reasonably.

Don't give in when a child is screaming or tantruming. The minute you cave in to your child's demands, they have learnt a valuable lesson... "If I go on for long enough and loud enough I'll get what I want". And next time they will go for a bit longer and a big louder, in the hope of success. Pretty soon you might have a toddler who can scream for hours without stopping to draw breath!

Make sure your child gets plenty of positive praise when they do the right thing, tell them what they are doing that is good or helpful. Also, make sure you are teaching them how you want them to behave. By just saying "Just stop it" or stating their name in a frustrated tone, you aren't telling them what it is they should be doing.

When my son is drawing on the wall in crayon and I yell his name in frustration, he might be thinking "oh she doesn't like pictures of dinosaurs, I should be drawing flowers instead". Whenever you tell your child to stop doing something, make sure you tell them what to do as well. Try something like "Sam stop banging the truck on the table and roll it on the floor instead".

Be consistent. This means making sure that you don't give them the message that sometimes if they scream they will get what they want. This is called intermittent reinforcement and is what gets gamblers hooked! Why do people keep putting money in the slots of pokie machines?  Because every now and then they win.

This is the hardest pattern to break, as you never know when you might get lucky. So for toddlers this means that they will keep trying tantrums because sometimes they work and they win their lottery!  

Have some set parent child play time every day, where you set aside even five or ten minutes just to play with your child doing what they want to do (without parental instructions, interruption, or structure). This is valuable time to bring the enjoyment back into your relationship with your child and communicate to them that you value spending time with them and that they can sometimes direct what happens (in a fun way).

In my house this often means mummy has to sit on the floor and be used as various forms of exercise equipment (trampoline, monkey bars and slides are quite popular).

Finally, make sure you have some time out on a regular basis. We all need time to recharge our batteries, feel like part of the adult population, and tend to our own needs. It's not selfish to have time away from your kids because it makes you enthused and energised when you get back to them. Have a coffee, go for a walk, even doing the grocery shopping by yourself can be a treat (sad but true). You'll recognise the other mums who are doing this.

They are the ones rocking a child free trolley back and forth like a pram, urging others to go ahead of them in the line "no I'm not in a hurry, dad's with the kids!", and happily going down the lolly aisle at a leisurely pace. Be creative, you could take turns with another parent looking after each other's children for an hour or look around for inexpensive occasional care at your local community centre.

Sometimes you need more than just a few minor strategy changes to get your family back on track. If this is the case, then seek out the help of a child psychologist, parenting program, or behaviour specialist in your area.

Dr Emma Little is a Child & Educational Psychologist and partner at Stepping Stones Psychology Melbourne. She is also an Essential Baby member, a mother of two and author of Kids behaving badly: Teacher strategies for Child Behaviour.

Discuss your toddler's behaviour with Essential Baby members.