I really hated being pregnant

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 Photo: Getty Images

I may not be the biggest Kardashian fan in the world, but I am appreciative of her recent admission that she hates being pregnant.

Getting pregnant was a bit of a surprise for me. I was pretty staunch about never having kids. I had never been around a lot of them and the ones I did know were kind of annoying.

Yet somehow, my little dude (now 18 months) wormed his way through what I thought was industrial strength birth control, and implanted himself firmly in my uterus, where he set up shop for nine months.

And by shop I mean a strict regime of terror, vomiting, hospital visits, and hair, vision, teeth and weight loss. And emotional instability at times.

When I found out I was pregnant (after the initial three days of crying, which I can only assume is normal), I was surprised to find myself really excited.

I knew I needed to make some big changes to my life to accommodate this little person. I was in a bit of a rut in my personal life, while my career was flourishing. I made it my priority to even that out a little bit and create the best life I could for myself and my son.

Being pregnant gave me an amazing sense of courage, and I was able to leave a very controlling relationship and set myself up, ready for the next part of my life.

By about week eight, I was constantly sick. I had stopped eating totally by 12 weeks, and lived on apple juice, an apple a day and milk until the day I had my son.

I vomited to the point that my oesophagus burned from the acid and only blood would come up.

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I lost 25kg. I couldn't work (which at the time was my LIFE) and went down to part-time very quickly. I would find myself crying at work daily, mostly in frustration at feeling so sick, and would spend a lot of time in the bathroom feeling ashamed for being so weak.

I would make a weekly trudge to A&E and get rehydrated with fluids.

I was depressed, even though I was happy, which makes perfect sense.

My midwife could do nothing for me, and neither could the people I knew were trying to help me with their home remedies.

Honestly, I cried every day when I was pregnant, and I'm not a crier. My hate for pregnancy was absolute. I never felt like a wonderful feminine goddess. I felt, at my core, disgusting. I would recoil if someone touched me. I couldn't brush my hair without throwing up. But even at its worst, the little bugger inside me still managed to make me excited as hell.

Around this time I had some family members and friends struggle with conceiving, so I felt a lot of guilt about being so unhappy. I was also struggling with the fact I was going to be a single mother, even though it was the best choice I could have made.

I'm a big fan of putting on a brave front. I never felt like I could freely tell anyone I knew how I was feeling, which at times was that I didn't want to be pregnant any more. So I sought the help of a counsellor, which was provided to me free of charge through my work place and I was able to let everything out; it helped me immensely. I recommend this to all women struggling with pregnancy. Actually, I recommend this to anyone anywhere going through anything. Even if you're skeptical, venting to a stranger will make you feel, on average, 10kg lighter than you did when you walked in.

It's a shame counselling is not easily accessed as part of a prenatal program. Not everyone will need it, but getting on top of your mental health is as important as your physical health, and being in a good head space before you have your baby decreases your risk of post-natal depression.

After I pushed that baby out (and we had a lengthy discussion about his behaviour) all the sickness went, and along came all the cheesy baby-related feelings you're meant to have, right on cue.

I don't always love being a mum, it's such a change of life, but I would be happy to do it again knowing how and where to find help.

If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, contact BeyondBlue (call 1300 224 636 or email) or LifeLine (call 13 11 14 or chat online after hours). 

Stuff.co.nz