Pregnant women everywhere: this is a cautionary tale.
I wasted away my pregnancy doing things like whining about my swollen feet, cleaning the inside of the refrigerator for the 14th time, and yelling at my husband for not reading any baby books when I should have been soaking up every last morsel of free will while I had the chance.
You see, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you missed out on your opportunity to live a carefree, somewhat selfish, definitely indulgent lifestyle. But your clock is ticking.
Below are the 30 things you'll wish you did before you started a family.
Full disclosure: this is not a helpful checklist to get you prepared for your new baby — rather, it's a list of all the far more important things you need to do for you. That is if there's still time. And if there's not, at least get to No. 24. Do that one for all of us who no longer can...
1. Stay in bed all day. Literally. Spend an entire 24-hour period lazing around in bed. Have breakfast in bed, read magazines, take naps, or paint your nails. I can guarantee you will never have another day like that again, unless you're actually sick, and where's the fun in that?
2. Be selfish. You're hot and everyone else is cold? Sucks to be them. Don't have any qualms about cranking up that A/C.
3. Say yes to a spontaneous plan. When your friend offers you an extra concert ticket two hours before the show starts, accept it on the spot. Once you have a kid, you won't have the energy to make the 23 calls necessary to free up your schedule.
4. Hit up the bar. So what if you can't drink? It'll either be a great time, to which you'll be thankful you had a few more childless nights of (albeit, sober) club hopping, or it'll be so terrible that you won't be unnecessarily nostalgic for it later.
5. Enjoy an all-nighter. Key word: "enjoy." Stay out until the wee hours doing something fun because the only all-nighter you'll get as a new mum is with a colicky baby.
6. Sleep in. And don't give me this 9:30 a.m. nonsense. Make it to at least 11 a.m. when you've gotten so much sleep you are actually tired again.
7. Go to an amusement park. Sure, you might not be able to ride the roller coasters, but do your best to act like a kid. You'll look at Disney World and Six Flags in a darker, more menacing light as a parent.
8. Sneak into a movie. If you get caught, feign pregnancy brain. Come on — you don't have to set a good example just yet.
9. Pick the movie. No more of this Hobbit crap.
10. Have more sex. You might not be in the mood, but power through.
11. Have more sex in places you aren't supposed to. No, this doesn't mean you need to get busy in some seedy public restroom or dimly lit parking lot. Just move it out into the kitchen now and then, because once you have kids, you'll be relegated to your bedroom for the foreseeable future.
12. Have crazy sex. Enough about sex, amirite? Wrong! It's not enough to have more sex, but make it a little more exciting (try a new position, perhaps) before you start having very results-oriented, four-minute-long interludes that are as passionate as a firm handshake.
13. Wear all of your expensive jewellery. And then tuck it away for a while. Delicate necklaces can be ripped from your neck, and heirloom bracelets can be covered in slobber.
14. Wear all of your designer handbags. Again, unless you want them to someday moonlight as a diaper bag, get your fill of them now.
15. Spend a day completely alone. It's "me time" in its purest, most potent form.
16. Take an unnecessarily long bath. If you get out and your fingers aren't pruney, get back in there.
17. Leave the house on a moment's notice. You'll want to trust me on this.
18. Take a meandering walk. The kind where you don't have a destination in mind.
19. Binge-watch a show. Catching up on Orange Is the New Black or watching the complete series of Gilmore Girls might take you a long weekend now. With kids, it'll take you . . . if these here calculations are correct . . . about seven years. (And no one's going to want to debate which college Rory chose in 2023.)
20. Go out to dinner instead of ordering takeout. Soon, you'll be up to your eyeballs in to-go containers and wonder why you didn't get out when you had the chance.
21. Spend an hour on your hair. And another hour on your makeup, not that you need it. But because you can.
22. Master a ridiculously fancy, overly complicated dinner recipe. Unless you are some sort of superhero, it's boxed mac and cheese from here on out.
23. Order the chef's tasting menu. When else will you have five hours and $300 to spare?
24. Throw a temper tantrum. You want to sit in the front seat but your friend already called shotgun? Piss and moan until you get your way. Kick and scream if you have to. First of all, you're pregnant. Second of all, in a few short years, you'll be on the receiving end.
25. Get away on a girls' weekend. There's nothing like it, and the more of you who start having kids, the more difficult it'll be to plan.
26. Fly first class. You won't regret it, we swear.
27. Rent a sports car. Even if you aren't much for sexy cars, a two-seater isn't something you'll be rolling up to day care in.
28. Read a book cover to cover. Uninterrupted time to get lost in a page-turner is a rare gift during the entire duration of parenthood.
29. Host a house party. Invite only people within 10 to 15 years of your own age. Sorry, grandparents and toddlers – we'll see you at baby's first birthday extravaganza.
30. Take the seat. When someone kindly offers you a seat on the bus, don't be too proud to take it. It's a nice gesture we should be rewarding, and you'll no doubt be paying it forward.