Culturally miscarriage is still treated somewhat as taboo.
Miscarriage. It’s one of those things you hear about and hope doesn’t happen to you. You may know friends who have had one, your mum, your sister, but you? You don’t even give it a second thought until it happens. And that’s when you realise how devastating it is and what a silent grief it has become, because for some reason, our culture doesn’t quite know how to cope with it.
The stats say one in four women will experience a miscarriage. This is one woman’s story…
The first miscarriage was one of disbelief and bewilderment. It was an experience of emptiness and utter loss. Friends and family had been told of our pregnancy and now we had to let them know what had happened. I didn’t think that life could be so cruel to take my first pregnancy. We were informed about labour and all the things to expect when the baby was born but where was the support for a miscarriage?
Telling family and friends
When we told our family and friends they said, “don't worry it will happen again - you can get pregnant (that's the good news) and after a miscarriage, pregnancy happens more easily because the body knows what to do”. There was a distinct sense of “that's life, get on with it and all will be alright.”
Fortunately I did fall pregnant again, and even though that road wasn’t easy, I was able to carry my baby to term. As our gorgeous and much loved baby boy grew up we thought about trying for another baby. Soon I fell pregnant but was to have another miscarriage….
Again I thought “why us?” We felt we had had one miscarriage, doesn't that mean we are protected from more? Then we had the third. This time I felt utter devastation and overwhelming grief. On the same day I was in hospital for a D & C, I learnt of three other pregnancies of close friends. All of these babies are due now, as would have ours have been if it had survived.
We attempted to share our feelings with family and friends. Some were incredibly supportive and open, however others responded along the lines of “you have one child - you are better than most - be thankful for what you have.” And “why don't you stop doing this to yourself, after three miscarriages surely you should know when to stop and get on with life?” Although it was all said with love, it was a way of pushing the issue out of conversations - let's clear the elephant in the room.
It was hard on our relationship
For a period of time there was a great and devastating feeling of disconnection between my husband and I and it became a barrier in our relationship. I was happy to share my feelings and emotions, in fact I needed to share them with him, the father of these three little souls, but he wanted to shut them out. It was hard not being able to share the grief with the one who should relate to it best of all. This deepened the isolation I felt and opened a real questioning of our relationship.
Happily, we managed to re-connect and can now share a real sense of "family" through what has been a great loss and pain in our lives. He has shared my loss (it is now firmly OUR loss) and we talk of our three little souls and we want our son to know that they are a part of our family.
Healing is a journey
A few things helped me to heal. A strengthened and incredible relationship I have now with my husband. I have found Chinese herbs and acupuncture have created a great sense of balance in my mind and body. Time has also been a healer (as it is with all loss). I have learnt to look at what I have rather than what I don't. We also recently had some tests that were not available even 12 months ago and these are significant factors with miscarriage. Knowing that there are reasons behind the miscarriages has helped a good deal and basically there is nothing I or my husband could have done differently - that glass of wine I had before I found out I was pregnant had nothing to do with it. I have also resumed my career and removed the feeling that if I don't have another child I have failed. What I have right now is more than I could ever have hoped for.
Advice for friends and family of women who have had miscarriages
Make them feel comfortable to talk about it with you. Most of all if they express grief (and it can happen anytime) give them a hug or a squeeze - let them know it's ok to feel this way - don't tell them to just get on. Be there for them by listening.
Much needed support group starting in Sydney this May
This is a not-for-profit support group for Miscarriage and Stillbirth, an initiate of The Red Tent Health Circle. A free information evening about the group for interested women and their partners will take place at the Red Tent Health Centre on Wednesday March 24 at 61 Queen Street Woollahra. Bookings essential by calling Naomi on 0413 690 861.
Genevieve David, registered clinical social worker (member of AASW) and psychotherapist, has been working with women for the past 20 years and will be facilitating the groups, and Naomi Abeshouse, obstetric acupuncturist and doula will be supporting her. Together their aim is to provide a safe space for women to share their grief. The group will run for two hours a week for eight weeks. Rebates are available if you are referred by your GP. For more information visit www.RedTent.com.au
Rebecca Mar Young is an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist at the Red Tent Health Centre in Woollahra Sydney, with a special focus on women’s and children’s health. She’s a mother of one and is passionate about improving women’s health.
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