The 23 things you MUST do before your baby arrives

There are some things you just must do before your baby arrives.
There are some things you just must do before your baby arrives. Photo: Amanda Rohde

If you're about to have a baby, you will have been told about four thousand times to "sleep while you can!" because people find this hilarious. Babies keep you awake and you will be tired. Inconceivable!

Yeah, okay, you'll definitely be tired, but your life will change in so many other ways (for the better, I promise) that I've put together a list of things you might want to get done before your little human arrives.

1. Take a photo of your face. Really zoom in on your eyes. There may be a day you'd like to look back at your 'before' photo.

2. Go for a drive by yourself and turn the music up really loud. Listen to the filthiest gangsta rap and shout out all the explicit lyrics.

3. Better yet, drive in complete silence. Roll the windows up and enjoy the sound of your own breathing. Don't scream at anyone and enjoy not answering the same question 473 times.

4. Go to the toilet with the door closed. Look around at all four walls and appreciate the complete privacy of having a bowel movement alone. Try to really commit to memory what it feels like to not have to discuss your poo with another person.

5. Watch someone walk in to the bathroom. Watch them leave the bathroom. Do not discuss anything they did in there.

6. Wake up when you have finished sleeping.

7. Read something smart. NOT POETRY. It's really important it does not rhyme.

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8. Leave the house on a whim. Pick up your bag (which already has everything you need in it) and walk out the door. Don't spend an hour running through a mental checklist. Don't argue with anyone about shoes. Just get up and walk out of your house the minute you think about it.

9. Wear all your dangly earrings.

10. Don't talk. Even if it's just for an afternoon, enjoy not listening to your own voice. Enjoy not having to discuss the meaning of life every four minutes. Revel in being able to carry out simple tasks without providing a running commentary of every muscle moved.

11. Shower every day.

12. Put a pair of scissors really close to the edge of the bench. Put a glass on the coffee table. Put a plate of food in front of someone and let them judge the temperature for themselves. Feel the adrenaline surge through your veins.

13. Place a packet of chocolate biscuits in the middle of the room and eat the whole thing right out in the open, in plain view of anyone and everyone. Do not hide and do not share. They're all yours

14. Greet your partner at the end of a long day with a big kiss and a hug. Ask him about his day and listen carefully to his response with interest and empathy. Give him your undivided attention.

15. Cuddle your pets. Lavish them with attention and tell them again you'll never love the baby as much as them.

16. If you are not yet pregnant, go and jump on a trampoline. Enjoy not wetting yourself.

17. Clean your house. Sit and watch it stay clean.

18. Arrive somewhere on time.

19. Swear frequently. Don't spell anything out. Don't use any substitutes. Sugar, shoot, fudge, far out, fa la la la la, holy moly, jeepers, etc, are not to be used.

20. Spend the hours between 4pm – 7pm thinking about yourself. Just sit and relax. Maybe take a bath. 

21. Talk to someone without repeating yourself 326 times.

22. Start a task. Complete it in the expected timeframe.

23. Spend one final boring day thinking about yourself and how you might fill your day and get ready for the greatest, most hectic adventure of your life.

Follow Lauren on her blog (the-thud.com) and Facebook (facebook.com/thethudonline/).