Justine Davies
Even before I ask this I know how it’s going to sound. But I don’t have loose morals and I’m not wanting to set my kids a bad example. I just don’t know what to do.
Long story short – my ex-husband and I split up two years ago. We have two daughters, aged 6 and 4. They live with me and see him every second weekend. I haven’t dated much since my ex and I split (lack of time and opportunity) but I’ve recently met a gorgeous (younger) guy who and we are having a great time together.
For the past couple of months he stayed over on the weekends when the kids are at their Dad’s place. But I haven’t let him stay when the kids are around. He’s pestering me though to let him stay more often and I’m sure that the relationship is going to end soon if I don’t say yes.
Logically this is not a long-term relationship anyway. He’s not right for me, and vice versa, but we are having a lot of fun together right now and after two years of no romance (and to be honest another two years of pretty bad relationship before the divorce) I’m not ready to give him up yet. I actually feel sexy for the first time in years.
But I don’t want my girls to be affected, it’s not like he’s going to be there forever. Any advice?
Mon.
Hi Mon,
Thanks for your query and it’s a tricky predicament – the roles of sex goddess and Mum aren’t all that easy to combine. And while there’s an upside and a downside to everything, at the end of the day no matter how much fun you have together when he’s “up”, having him stay over when your girls are there involves a fair bit of potential down.
It’s difficult though, because being a Mum shouldn’t preclude you from having a relationship. So I’ve asked Kimberley O’Brien, Principal child psychologist for The Quirky Kid Psychology Clinic www.childpsychologist.com.au for some advice. And the main gist of her advice is: Don’t!
“If you don’t envisage this as being a long-term relationship, then there are no benefits to be gained in introducing your boyfriend into your children’s lives,” she says. “Ideally you want to have a solid relationship of at least six months, with long-term prospects, before you involve your kids. Otherwise you risk your daughters becoming attached to this person, only for him to disappear suddenly down the track. This could trigger again the grief and loss that they would have experienced when your relationship with their Dad broke down.”
And in case you don’t think that your girls were old enough to be impacted by your divorce, Kimberley explains that babies are well and truly attached to their parents by the time they’re 9 months old. So any separation after this will cause emotional pain. “And it can be worse second time around,” she says. “The first time that children experience loss they will be hurting, but they will also be confused about what is happening. The second time though they won’t be confused because they have already experienced it and they know that they don’t like it. So the sense of grief can be even greater. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the loss of a father–figure; it could be a favourite uncle going overseas for a while, or a grandparent moving away. But introducing them to a short-term boyfriend is setting them up for grief for no good reason.”
The good news is that there’s no need to stop feeling sexy; you just need to do it somewhere else. Kimberley suggests hiring a babysitter, having the girls sleep over at their grandparent’s or asking your ex if he could increase his share of custody as alternatives to bringing the fling home. While it remains short-term, anyway. And realistically, you’re more likely to enjoy yourselves together if you’re not worried about waking the kids!
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