Justine Davies
Hi,
My problem is that I’m starting to not like my middle child.
I have three sons, ages 7, 4 and eighteen months. I know you shouldn’t have favourites as a parent, but my oldest son is such an easy kid. He’s placid, sociable and always keen to please. He’s a delight. The youngest is also pretty easy (or as easy as a toddler ever is, which isn’t all that easy!!) But my 4yo is – to put it nicely – a troublemaker.
He picks fights with our 7yo and he’s way too rough with the youngest. He’s a really energetic kid, which is fine, but he never chooses the right outlet for all the energy. He’s either trying to annoy his brother or trying to wrestle with the baby. My life seems to be one constant refereeing session and I feel like I’m going crazy.
I know that things will probably change and get easier as they all get a bit older, but there’s something about his personality that grates on my nerves and I can feel myself starting to resent him as the source of all conflict in the house.
I don’t want us to end up with a troubled relationship. I know he’s a good kid at heart but right now I find that really, really difficult to see.
M
Hi M.
As an only child myself I never really understood the whole sibling rivalry thing – until I had three kids of my own!! My instinctive advice to you would be to buy a megaphone and a shiny silver whistle to wear around your neck. Seeing as that’s probably not constructive though, I have asked parenting expert and author of ‘Why first borns rule the world and last borns want to change it’ (one of my favourite all-time books) Michael Grose for some advice.
“What you’re describing is a common situation, particularly when you have three children of the same sex,” he says. “The first born is very often the apple of their parent’s eye and when the second child arrives there isn’t quite the same fanfare. Then suddenly that second child is supplanted by another baby, so they don’t even have the distinction of being the youngest.
Kids are all different though in many ways and realistically as an individual it’s easier to respond to some kids than others, whether that’s because of their temperament or their place in the family. You need to be willing to admit (to yourself) that, while you always love your kids you won’t necessarily always like them all the time.”
Michael suggests some great strategies that you can use to overcome these temporary conflicts:
• “Firstly, be mindful not to put your oldest on a pedestal,” he says. “First-borns can have a vested interest in making sure that the second child is seen as “the naughty one”. Oldest children can sometimes be praise junkies and there can be a sense that “the worse he looks, the better I am”, so sometimes they will go out of their way to draw your attention to any negative behaviour by the second child. “Look, Mum, he’s doing it again!” type of thing. This can make the middle child feel discouraged, so it’s worth not always responding to the dobbing.”
• Michael also suggests making a concentrated effort to spend one-on-one time with the middle child. It can be difficult to achieve when you are juggling three kids, but even 10 minutes can make a difference. As a father of three, Michael said that a strategy he used was to read a book to each child separately at bedtime, rather than one communal book. Makes bedtimes longer – but worth the effort!
• Find a special talent for your middle child that neither of the other two do. Whether it’s a particular sport or other hobby, make it something that he really enjoys and which is his alone. Resist the urge to allow the youngest child to take up that same hobby as well!
“Realistically, 4 is a difficult age for a second child,” says Michael. “He may have developed faster than your oldest and may well be ready for school before his time. It could make him a bit painful to deal with at the moment. On a positive note though, middle children do develop special characteristics because of their birth-order and he may turn out to be a more resilient and more flexible kid.”
I hope this has helped a bit, M. For more information on Michael, check out his website: www.parentingideas.com.au. And I’m sure our readers will have some great tips for you as well.
EB Members: What’s your advice for “M”?
