Bribes, rewards and praise

• Pinky McKay
• July 1, 2008
• Page 1 of 3 | Single Page View

Toddler

'If you sit on the potty, you can have a Smartie.'
'Thank you for helping pack up the toys. Now we can go to the park.'
'I will get you the ice-cream now if you promise you will sit still in the doctor's room.'

What is the difference between a bribe and a reward?
A bribe is something offered before the task in order to get your child to do what you want him to do (so the first and third example are bribes). A reward (the second example) is something that happens after the event.

Does it matter, as long as it makes your child cooperate?
Well, that depends on what you are trying to teach him. Do you want a child who will only do things if there is something in it for him? Do you want to encourage your child to have an unreasonable sense of entitlement, to ask himself, 'What's in it for me?' each time there is a job to be done?

Or would you like to teach your child that when he cooperates or works hard, he will feel satisfied by a job well done? That work comes before play? That it is good to consider everybody's needs? And that because your tot has helped you, you feel pleased with him and perhaps now have energy and time to spend with him? Of course, some of these goals are beyond a toddler's capacity to understand, but it is worth setting a pattern and developing a family culture around positive values.

Any one of us in a hurry or desperate to motivate our child can resort to bribery or rewards (or is that offering incentives?), but it does pay to be cautious about our own motivation and methods. It is perfectly reasonable to say, 'When you are in your pyjamas we will have a story,' or 'When the toys are packed away, we can go to the park,' but offering bribes, especially material goods, every time we want to enlist cooperation is likely to backfire. Looking at the examples above, offering Smarties could cause your child to race to the potty every few minutes in order to get a treat, rather than learning to actually use the potty. And an ice-cream delivered before a visit to the doctor won't motivate any child to live up to his promise of cooperation - he has the prize, what does it matter? Besides, a toddler lives in the present: he doesn't have the cognitive skills or impulse control required to think ahead, so he can't be held to a promise, whatever the incentive. 

Apart from the fact that children become wise and are likely to raise the stakes for bribery and rewards (read, ask for bigger incentives as they grow - imagine offering a Play-Station if they kick a goal in their footy match!), they may eventually refuse to do a single thing unless there is something in it for them. 

Also, if you constantly give rewards for good behaviour or achievements, then one day when you don't give a reward, your child may give up and stop trying. Even worse, when a reward is attached to every achievement, we devalue our child's efforts because we are subtly telling him we didn't think he was up to the task, and this is no help to his self-esteem. Continued...

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