Mothers Group at the cafe
Transitioning from a woman to a mother is an exciting change but it may take time to adjust to your new identity, especially if you desire to return to your career.
Maternity clothes have really come on especially those for professional woman. But your image of hot mama is extremely hard to maintain in the first few weeks after the birth of your baby. Overnight you can become a red eyed, slightly overweight, tracksuit wearing, sleep deprived, stroller-pushing woman with bad steering skills who has the temper of a bull when disturbed.
What you will find, even if you have emerged in pretty good shape, is that people now perceive you as a "Mum" first and foremost, you are no longer perceived as a slick career woman and in fact it's hard to believe you ever were. On bad days you can remember those working years with very rose tinted glasses. You are no longer whistled at in the street, plumbers don't wink at you, and in the early days, even if you do go back to work, chances are you'll have sick on you somewhere. You will have far less time to make yourself look gorgeous. And that professional facade you were always proud of is hard to keep up when your breasts start leaking in a meeting because you haven't had time to express in the loos beforehand.
For those who opt to stay at home in the first year or more, you will find that you are put in a box. At barbecues, when people find out they are home with the baby, they will trot out the same platitudes – "Oh, aren't you lucky? You get to have a rest. (A rest!) What do you do all day? Have coffee with your mates?" Then they quickly find someone else to talk to.
Don't apologise for having coffee with your mates. It is something that does keep you sane and will help you maintain your old identity and discover your new one.
Jo, mum of Sammy, selected her ante-natal group quite carefully, knowing that the bulk of the women were professional women in their 30s who would be returning to work. "They are a pretty cosmopolitan group," she says. And, keen to get back into their work clothes they are exercising together, going for long walks with their babes in strollers. Jo is enjoying her "stay at home" mother identity but only because she knows that she will be the stay at home mother for a finite period of time.
"When I was working I used to look at these women walking around the neighbourhood with strollers as I'd be rushing from meeting to meeting. Now that I'm doing it, I'm having a really nice time and I feel it's a privilege."
Jo says she "makes an effort" to read the paper and stay connected – she works in recruitment, so it pays to know about the big business stories. One friend gave her a glamorous gold mesh clutch bag for her 40th – even though her standard uniform at the moment is three quarter jeans and blousy tops. Her point was that Jo should remember the woman who used to wear nice clothes.
Avril wanted to use the time of being at home with her babies to see if she really wanted to continue being a journalist. What she found was that she really missed her identity of being a journalist. The stay at home "mummy" label was not something she was comfortable with long term. When she started back at work part time, she loved the fact that she had to be up on daily news and thoroughly enjoyed the adult company.
Whilst many women relish the role of stay-at-home Mum, some Mums can find it quite challenging. You might feel like you are the "little wife", home with baby all day, trying to get the washing and cooking done, sticking to a one income budget, and keeping the house tidy (or not). Your partner, meanwhile, gets dressed every morning – leaves the house, without taking car seats, nappy bags, snacks etc - goes to work and has grown up conversations all day. They eat lunch uninterrupted and go to the toilet without having to think about what to do with the baby. It's enough to make you grind your teeth with envy.
The balance of power, in your mind, has taken a 360 degree turn as you look at your roles. It can seem as if you are the one who has made all the changes. Your partner is going about their life as normal. The important thing is you each have to be empathetic about the changes in each other's life. And the best way to do this is to swap roles every now and again. Then you'll truly appreciate what each is coping with.
