Are you raising an only child?
Roald Dahl's story, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was enough to put anyone off only children. Those over-indulged horrors – apart from Charlie of course - were stark examples of bad parenting and they deserved every bit of nasty treatment they got at the hands of the slightly crazed Mr Wonka – another only child, by the way.
The good news is, numerous studies prove only children are no more spoiled, lonely or maladjusted than children with siblings. But parents of only children do agonise over how best to raise them.
Beth, who has just adopted a beautiful baby girl, has attended a workshop on raising your only child.
Her concerns are those of any anxious new parent. “I suppose our questions are mainly around how much we should major on an only child's opportunities for interaction with their peers and older and younger children, especially as a preschooler. And then becoming well-adjusted when it comes to general social situations.”
Christine, mother of Tom, now 20, has a highly sociable child. One things Christine always made sure of, was that her house was one of the most popular places to come to for a playdate. There weren't any draconian rules, there was good food, and plenty to do including Lego and a trampoline.
“Of everybody's place, they tended to congregate here,” she says. Through this she did her share of bringing up other people's kids. “The kids knew that they could say things to me that would not go back to their parents,” she says. And when her son formed close friendships, she fostered them. “I practically adopted Tom's friend Andrew,” she says. He and Andrew were both dyslexic and Christine used to read Harry Potter to them, which turned them both on to reading.
People always commented to her that Tom was an articulate, mature child. “People used to say that he had quite an adult way of relating to people. There was not a lot I could do about it. He was around adults a lot.” Sharing a love of film, they saw a lot of movies together, she says.
The journalist, who raised Tom by herself, had a live in nanny, Melodie, to look after Tom when he came home from school. The reason this worked well was that Melodie allowed Tom to dream, says Christine. He was quite comfortable to be on his own. “She encouraged his wackiness,” she says.
“That's what I like about Tom. He can click into a dreamer's world. When he's with his cousins, who are younger, he's right there with them although he's 20 now.”
The journalist was adamant she didn't want Tom to be a “mummy's boy” and have her do everything before him. “He knew how to roast a chicken by the time he was 9, and was perfectly capable of putting breakfast together, emptying his lunch box and loading and unloading the dishwasher,” she says.
There are pros and cons to having an only child – the key is to accept the size of the family you have and make the best of the situation, says parenting expert Dr Matt Sanders, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Queensland and founder of the Triple P - Positive Parenting Programme.
“There's no single right formula that we look for. There's no magic configuration of how you organise a family in order for it to be successful. The majority of children raised as only children turn out perfectly well as do the majority with siblings.”
“It's all about laying early foundations well, children need to become bonded to their parent or parents.”
There are some bad habits parents of only children can slip into, he says. Giving them what they want when they want it, is not advised. (See Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) Teach them about the merits of delayed gratification, he says. “Children need to learn about anticipation,” he says.
Often with an only child there is more money, so the children are quite used to getting the computer, they are not used to having hand me downs, or sharing in the same way.
“It's often a good idea to deliberately get the children to plan and save, “ he says.
Seek out role models, suggests the clinical psychologist, particularly if you are a solo Mum with a son. These mentors can come from the extended family. Meanwhile parents should also make sure that they make plenty of effort in inviting other kids over, making sure that they are mixing socially through sporting and extra curricular activities. They should be with children being kids, doing “age appropriate activities that involve some adult supervision” says Dr Sanders.
Nannies or babysitters can take on big sister or big brother roles as the child gets older. “But it's important that the relationships are not manufactured – you have to get a level of authenticity for kids,” recommends the psychologist.
For children who are participating in early childhood processes, they are going to be mixing with peers from an early age. “The earlier return of parents to work does mean that only children spend less time on their own,” he says.
One of the key things is for these kids to develop social skills to make and keep friends, advises the psychologist.
“The challenge is to provide these children with enough opportunities to practice their (social) skills,” he says. Only children are used to being centre of the universe and always first,” he says, something which other children may find hard to take..
“Sharing, taking turns, playing by rules of the game, are all elements of social skills,” he says. Parents need to be attuned, watching the kids and providing positive feedback.
Only children might not cope as well with teasing and low level bullying that they get with siblings. “They can be protected from that – you don't want kids who fall apart when that happens,” says Dr Sanders.
Jill Donovan, director of Only Child Parenting, runs seminars at The Parenting Place in Auckland, New Zealand, giving parents tips on raising only children. She herself has one child, Ronan who is eight.
There are more dangers of over-parenting with an only child, says Donovan. “You can go more badly wrong,”she says. “It's easier to parent more, but you have to have boundaries.” She has seen parents who micromanage everything in their child's life.
She gets concerned about zealous parents who over-schedule their children. - “Some go off the rails because they can't keep up with the pressure that parents put on them.”
Make sure they get down time, she advises. Her son will at times beg for “do nothing” time”. That's when he re-energises, she says.
Some only children can have anxiety attacks about potential failure. Donovan has come across children who are so intimidated by fear of failure, they will not try to rid a bike or play cricket. “You have to get the point across that it is okay to fail, in fact critical, and that success comes through failure,” she says. “They don't often see Mum and Dad fail.”
Starting school can be crunch time with only children. “When the only child starts school they get into the social interaction and sees all the flaws. Oftentimes, they've been sheltered from the challenges of diplomacy,” says Donovan.
She remembers a boy at her son's school taking things from her son's bag and then offering them back to him. He told his mother about the problem and they worked out a solution together.
“Often only children can be bullied – their verbal skills can be different,” she says. “And they can be picked on.”
The American has chosen to send her son to a private, fee-paying school. Her reason? The number of only children at private schools far exceed those in public schools, she says. Of the 40 children in her son's class, ten are only children, she says. “He fits right in"... Four of the mothers whose only children play well often get together in a group after school.
The only child expert encourages parents to start up some family traditions to help their feelings of belonging. In her family they have a red plate with a star on it if someone has an extra special day. Meanwhile at Christmas or Easter, the Donovans try to incorporate other people into their traditions. With their family in America, they will invite neighbours or people who are alone to come and spend Christmas with them .
Donovan believes her son loves being the only child in their family. “He loves it, he thrives on it and we love it,” she says.
But she adds: “There is no doubt about it, it's different, you end up in a triangle, it's not even, it's always odd, there's no finding a balance in that, it's incredibly challenging.”
Recommended reading: White, Carolyn. The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004. Pickhardt, Carl E. The Future of Your On1y Child. New York: Palgrave Mcmillan, 2008.
Are you raising an only child? Do you have any input you can share with members here?
