Blocking out bullies

Bullying can be tough on both kids and parents. Psychologist Evelyn Field talks about her book which details strategies to combat teasing and other problems.

One of the most distressing aspects of modern-day parenting is suspecting or knowing your child is being bullied at school.

The anguish is often intensified by feelings of frustration and powerlessness. If a child is having difficulty in maths you can send them to a tutor. If they get head lice, there are numerous treatments at the pharmacy. If they misbehave, there are strategies to encourage good behaviour.

But how do parents fix a bullying problem?

How can you control a group of girls in the playground, stopping them from freezing out your daughter and sniggering at her? How do you put an end to other boys humiliating your son by pulling down his pants and teasing him about his weight?

Melbourne psychologist and bullying expert Evelyn Field believes parents can play a vital role in reducing or stopping bullying by helping their children develop social survival skills.

"Life is not always easy, but you can teach a child how to develop social and emotional resilience by providing him or her with simple social survival skills to protect him or herself and deal with difficult, stressful encounters," she writes in Bully Blocking, a book based on her 30 years' experience as a school-based psychologist and in private practice.

"Learning these social survival skills is essential for all children. Bullies also have a right to enjoy a normal social life: they need to learn how to change their behaviours so that they feel socially secure and valued."

Field has counselled children who have felt powerless, hopeless, scared, angry and depressed, as a result of being bullied. Like any trauma victim, she says, the bullying target needs empathy, patience and simple activities to move forward.

"It takes time and encouragement for both targets and bullies to transform their attitudes, change their behaviours, and empower themselves," she says.

Field says bullying is an abuse of power that involves psychological, emotional, social or physical damage. There are four broad types of bullying: teasing, exclusion, physical bullying and harassment.

Bullying can be a serious problem with serious consequences for the target.

"It can affect children physically, emotionally, academically, and socially, and it erodes their self-esteem," she says.

"It can also affect their mental health in the future. There is some research that suggests bullied children are more likely to have emotional difficulties later on and certainly some of them, but not all, are more likely to be bullied in the workplace."

What can parents do? Field says the first step is to monitor your child's well-being through observation and communication. Ask yourself whether your child is happy when they are dropped off at school and when they come home. Are they doing their school work? Are they playing with other kids and having fun? Are they making arrangements with peers? Are they depressed and/or alone?

"Parents have to go further than 'how was school today' because then they will get a general answer of 'okay' or 'fine'," she says.

"If they sense any hesitation from the child, the parent should encourage more conversation with questions such as: Who did you play with today? What did you do at lunchtime? Were people nice to you, were people friendly? What's something bad that happened today and what's something good? And just look at their manner. It's not hard to see an unhappy child. It's very clear on their face."

Field says poor communication within families was often the by-product of busy lifestyles. When you talk to a child, sit down with them, without distractions, and maintain eye contact, she advises. Don't ask critical questions in the car on the way home from school, when you can't see their body language.

What's the next step if you know or suspect there's a problem?

Help your child describe his/her bullying experiences, Field says. Prompt the child with questions such as: What did you do about it? Did you tell anyone? What did the teacher do? What did your friends do about it? Can you handle it yourself or do you want some help?

If the child can't resolve the problem, parents should consider familiarising themselves with strategies for building self-confidence and social skills and discuss them at home with children.

These include making an appointment with the class teacher or school principal to see if the school can help or consulting a professional, such as a psychologist.

"I think it's really important for parents to remember that children generally don't want to deal with it because it's too painful, they want to run away from it," Field says.

"What I'd like parents to do with children is to start chatting to them, listening to them, role model certain behaviours, and not to get super stressed.

"To tell their children the message that 'sometimes kids are mean and we've got to learn how to live and deal with all sorts of people'. Teach them basic things such as the importance of eye contact, body language and the right retorts to stop a bully.

"Then teach them how to make more friends and how to be friendly with others."

In Bully Blocking, Field outlines her six secrets to help children deal with bullying. One of the strategies mentioned is the use of humour and retorts, or comebacks, to stop a bully in their tracks.

"Most people know that you don't show your fear or anger to a horse or dog because it will react," she writes. "The same applies to dealing with bullies.

"Most bullying begins with words and escalates from there. The worst form of bullying is teasing. It can linger in your mind for years and affect your behaviour forever.

"Don't listen to the mean words, take them seriously or become upset. Instead, take the nasty bits out of the tease and return it without venom. Recycle the bully's verbal garbage by using a retort or a politically correct comeback. If you don't fight back physically or verbally, the bully has nothing to push against."

There are numerous examples of useful retorts in her book but Field expertly demonstrated the use of the comeback line during a TV interview on the subject of bullying. She was challenged to respond to a tease on air to show how effective humour could be.

"You're fat," the journalist said. Her reply was, "Don't be ridiculous, I'm enormous."

Another of Field's "secrets" is to develop a social network. "Children with good social skills have more fun, share their problems, work out solutions and obtain group support for their activities and actions."

She writes: "When you belong to a tribe, whether it is a sports team, a drama club or the neighbourhood gang, you feel more secure, accepted and respected. When you have friends, you are happier at school, despite any learning difficulties, physical problems or family stresses, compared to children with a small, insecure or unstable network of friends."

Parents can help create a "village" of friendships by making social arrangements, entertaining, meeting others - on picnics, camping trips and other bonding activities - getting children to invite friends over to play, or taking other kids out to the movies.

"If you have friends at school you are less likely to be bullied because nobody wants to bully a bunch," she says. "They always go for the isolated, which is what happens in the animal world."

Most bullies are wimps who avoid children with a strong network of assertive friends, she says.

Read more about the Gender Differences in bullying behaviour.

Source: Bully Blocking by Evelyn Field, published by Finch Publishing, is $24.95. Discuss bullying behaviour with other parents in our Education forum.