Essential Baby blogger Justine Davies.
I have a problem that I hope your members can help me with. I guess you could call it a “miscommunication” – and now I don’t know what to do.
Big picture – my partner and I have been together six years and we have one son, who has just turned two. Anyway, a few months ago I said to my partner something along the lines of “Gee I'm clucky. I'd love to have another baby." I didn’t expect him to say yes, because we have been saving to buy our own house and we still need both incomes for another couple of years. But to my surprise, he answered "That would be wonderful wouldn't it!"
Anyway, I went off the pill and a month later I was pregnant. To my shock, he’s furious! He said a whole lot of really horrible things that I probably won’t be able to forget and basically accused me of ruining his future! “His” future, mind you – not “our” future! I thought our future was all about having a happy family together – but apparently it’s all about owning a big house!
I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to get an abortion and I don’t want our son to be an only child, but I don’t want to split up, either. What do you suggest?
Jeannie.
Hi Jeannie,
Well, it's an irreversible situation, so it makes sense to face it head-on and deal with it. I’ve got to say it though – are you really, truly telling the truth when you say that you were “shocked” by your partner’s anger over the pregnancy? Was he even listening when you said you were clucky, or was he watching TV, playing computer games or drunk at the time?
I'm not criticising, just saying that if you based your decision to go off the pill on one comment, you probably need to be a bit more understanding about his level of anger. And I’m sure there are options other than abortion or splitting up! In fact there’s definitely other options, and I’ve asked well-known psychologist and relationship guru Toby Green for some tips on how to potentially move forward from here.
“I would definitely suggest some counselling,” she says. “It may only need one good session where they can both explain to an independent third party what their reasons are for wanting/not wanting this pregnancy. Quite often the stated reason may not be the whole story.
For example, the male partner has said that it’s all about the loss of income and delay of house purchase. But underneath that reason may be a whole host of other issues, such as him feeling overwhelmed by the relationship as a whole, or feeling a lack of control, that she is making all the decisions, is domineering, whatever. These are just examples – you can never tell until you have a proper discussion what issues may lie underneath a stated objection.”
Toby also explained that once you are sure what the real issues are you can be proactive about finding a solution to them. “In this case it may be that Jeannie needs to do her sums and show her partner how they can still achieve their original home ownership goal even with the addition to the family,” she says. “This may involve compromise on her part, whether she gets a part time job to bring in some extra income, or focuses on cutting back spending. She may need to put together a budget to demonstrate to what extent she can offset the disruption that the pregnancy has caused to their original plans.”
So there you are. There’s no quick and easy solution – the important thing is to talk (with a third party) and probably be prepared to hear some hurtful things. When you have cleared the air you can then work out a plan to achieve the goals that are the most important to each of you. It may take hard work and compromise, but with any luck those goals will still involve each other!
EB Members: What’s your advice? Leave a comment for Jeannie here.
