Part 2: Emotional courage

• John Bastick
• August 11, 2008

Ask pretty much any Aussie dad what they'd like their sons to grow up to be and there'll be a fair-to-middling chance the answer will be "sports man", particularly a golfer or tennis player or of one of the more ludicrous salaried sports. 
 
For sure we're only half-joking when we say it but there is something that appeals to us men about a successful career on a sporting field. For starters, even if your skill isn't much past average the salaries can still be astronomical, the kudos is great (hey, it can make you a national hero), sport plays on the innate competitiveness in all us men, plus it's a job that appears to come with its fair share of lady admirers.
 
Sure, we dads may never have gone anywhere close to the sporting triumphs we dreamed as a kid but that's not going to stop us having a second shot at things by living vicariously through our sons, right?
 
So, not long after our boys leave the womb we dads have almost taken on this role of preparing our sons for a life on a football field. We're out there kicking balls, hitting things with bats, running, climbing and generally attempting to "toughen" the little buggers up. And don't get me wrong - in moderation - all generally healthy pursuits. After all, it's what we dads do best.
 
However there's mounting evidence to suggest that this kind of fathering, fostering only the physical in our boys is not only limiting but it's also dangerous. For all the benefits of physical courage it should not be at the detriment of "emotional" courage too: things such as empathy, sympathy, respect, the value of friendships etc.
 
This idea of "emotional courage" and boys has been simmering for the best part of a decade. In the US, for example, it's now acknowledged that there are distinct differences in the psychological development of boys and girls. It's increasingly thought that boys are having more problems in their teen years and into adulthood based on problems from early childhood, particularly in the area of handling emotions.
 
When it comes to shaking the tin, researchers at The Center For Men at Harvard Medical School in Massachusetts have been making the biggest noise. The school's psychologists have been studying the issue of small boys and emotional courage for some time and have discovered thus:
 
• That primary schools can be "anti-boy". Schooling for under-10s is very pro-reading and tends to discourage physical play - the complete opposite of boys at that age. Boys are also disciplined much harder than their female counterparts.
 
• Boys are taught not to cry or be "sissies" but are then harangued for being insensitive.
 
• As boys enter their teens they have difficulty nurturing strong friendships with other males, instead replacing mateship with a competitiveness and mistrust.
 
• Boys' heroes still tend to be violent film characters or overpaid, over-sexed sports stars.
 
• Boys quickly learn that "walking away" doesn't stop playground bullying. However, like it or not they've learned that violence and punching does.
 
The book that remains the preeminent text on boys and emotional courage is the bestseller Raising Cain: Protecting The Emotional Life Of Boys. Released back in 1999, it was co-authored by two psychologists - Michael Thompson and Dan Kindlon - who also worked on the study by Harvard Medical School.
 
At its core the book makes the case that societally we only really prize one kind of male courage - that being to stand-up to and fight a physically larger opponent. "We need to provide boys models of male heroism that go beyond the muscular, the self-absorbed, and the simplistically heroic" the book argues. 
 
It continues: "Very few boys or men are tall, handsome, athletic, successful with women, endlessly virile, and physically fearless. We have to teach boys that there are many ways to become a man; that there are many ways to be brave, to be a good father, to be loving and strong and successful… We need to praise the artists and the entertainer, the missionary and the athlete, the soldier and the male nurse, the store owner and the round-the-world sailor, the teacher and the CEO."
 
Although no one would admit we're out of the woods with boys and their emotions child psychologist Kimberley O'Brien says that this decade-long awareness of the importance of the emotive side of boys - most noticeably from fathers, carers and teachers - has seen marked improvements in the way we raise our sons.
 
However, having said that, O'Brien, who's director of The Quirky Kid Clinic in Woollahra in Sydney, says, "how often do you see fathers unable to deal with a child having a tantrum? Which is bought on by a child's inability to express their anger or frustrations they're feeling."
 
O'Brien agrees that fathers have always understood the importance to the physical side of parenting - the kicking of balls, the conquering of trees - but she says modern-day dads are increasingly warming to and understanding the importance of instilling emotional courage in their sons. "Teaching your child empathy for others," she says, "is one of the best things a father can do for his son."
 
O'Brien also warns against fathers attempting to steer their sons into their interests. "Schools have made amazing inroads in trying to break down ideas about gender; boys doing cooking, girls doing metal work," O'Brien says, "and the wise parents are the ones that aren't too narrow in stereotyping, allowing kids to develop varied interests. I think most parents these would be more than happy their sons tried art or dance or music classes.
 
"But even in these enlightened times many fathers would have trouble learning their sons wanted to be a ballet dancer for example. There's still this thing of, 'Oh my God, my son could be gay' and that's why men will struggle with their sons doing things that they view to be feminine or in line with homosexuality."
 
O'Brien's tips for building emotional courage in boys include:
 
• Teach boys to express their feelings honestly.
• When disciplining a child explain how his actions make you feel.
• Be engaged with his teachers. "You're not merely a taxi service to a child's school".
• Encourage boys to have a wide circle of close friends. "Kids learn a great deal from other kids."
• Be a courageous dad yourself. Show your sons it's important to take risks and overcome fears and frustrations.
• Follow your child's interests rather than just your own.
 
"Fatherhood is a fascinating experience," O'Brien opines, "it often puts men in places that they'd never thought they'd be. For example, if a boy shows an interest in dance rather than be put off by that a father should take his son to a dance festival or a salsa class. It's as much about the parent expanding their perceptions too, and going along for the ride."

It's increasingly thought that boys are having more problems in their teen years and into adulthood based on problems from early childhood, particularly in the area of handling emotions.