Murder on TV

I have decided to change careers. I have given it a lot of thought - I debated the pros and cons of working in a new office, building up a fresh skill set, whether high heels would be too much on day one, as I ran from the bathroom searching for a replacement roll of toilet paper. But, to my mind, it's a no-brainer. I am going to become a cop show/murder mystery TV writer. 

On the weekend I sat down to watch an English murder mystery. Great, I thought. Tea parties and libraries and odd detectives with lisps, I was ready for a whodunit. I had abandoned US cop shows years ago when Law & Order SVU came out in Australia. A cop show dedicated solely to sex crimes. Every week, from the promos, I could see the story lines revolved around rape and murder or murder and rape or torture and rape. Using those subjects as titillation and entertainment made me feel ill, in fact I objected to it, and so I never switched it on. 

But my high expectations for my UK cop show turned into, as Oprah would say, an "A Ha" moment. The episode focused on, surprise, surprise, a serial killer on the loose violently killing anyone who had two legs and a nose. So, I have put my disappointment to good use, I have turned it into a career opportunity. 

I have already written my first script and I plan to pitch to TV producers as soon as I find a blank piece of paper in the house to write it down. I imagine this is how my meeting, because of course I will get a meeting, with the executives will go.

ME: "Hi, I have written a new episode of INSERT NAME OF COP SHOW HERE."
Producer: "What is it about?"
Me: "There is a psychopathic serial killer targeting innocent children in playgrounds."
Producer: "I think we did something like this last year."
Me: "Does it matter?"
Producer: "No. What's the plot?"
Me: "The psychopathic serial killer kills tiny children with very cute haircuts because he's a psychopathic serial killer."
Producer: "How do the cops investigate it?"
Me: "They turn up to murder scene after murder scene and say, ' I think we have a psychopathic serial killer copycat in our midst'. They then have sex with each other that night and go through the whole process again the next day."
Producer: "How do they catch him?"
Me: "After killing kids for 43 minutes out of the 45, in the last minute he makes a mistake, perhaps he leaves behind a water bottle with his fingerprints all over it, and the cops nail him. The end."

Perhaps I have become an old person pining for tomatoes that taste like tomatoes, but does society's insatiable appetite for mindless violence have to ruin my TV detective shows? What's wrong with a Miss Marple or Inspector Hercule Poirot and any other master detective that actually does detective work? What's wrong with one dead body, maybe hit on the head with a candlestick, in the conservatory? I like murder mystery shows that are devoted to finding clues, piecing together the puzzle, building to a gotcha.

But TV executives have worked out their audience: having to think about who committed murder is not nearly as much fun as watching one.

Do you think there is too much violence on TV? Discuss Jacqui's blog here.