EB blogger Ghania Dib
As a mother, I have discovered that there are a number of topics which are difficult to explain to young children.
So far I have been able to deal with questions such as “how do babies get in your tummy?” without too much strife, comfortable with the knowledge that when the time is right and my children are old enough to understand, the truth will be told. One particular topic that has received quite some attention at my place, however, is death. And unlike sex, in my opinion it’s a topic that requires the truth to be told regardless of a child’s age.
As some of you know may know, my mother passed away 6 years ago when my eldest child was only 7-months-old. Despite her absence, I often talk about my mother when I’m with my children, reminiscing about my own childhood memories involving my mother or telling them about how much I miss her. As a consequence, my children were introduced to the concept of death from quite a young age. Yet even so, I suspected for a long time that they did not, and indeed could not, really understand what death meant.
A short while ago my grandfather was admitted to hospital. I took the kids to visit him and it turned out to be the last time that they would get to see him. After leaving the hospital, I explained to my children that my grandfather was quite unwell and that it was most likely he would pass away soon.
My youngest, a generally cheerful 3-year-old, responded with “Oh yes! He’s going to die like this” at which point she closed her eyes and then re-opened them. “And then later”, she continued “he will wake up and be all better”.
It seemed her concept of death resembled that of sleeping. I tried to explain to her that death meant he would not be able to wake up again and mentioned my mother’s absence, at which point she started to cry and said “I want your mummy! Why can’t I see you mummy? Tell her to come back down from the sky!”
Needless to say the discussion wasn’t going as well as I had planned, so after comforting my 3-year-old (and myself) I veered the discussion into less emotive grounds.
Later that night, my 5 and 6-year-old approached me to ask me about my grandfather and why he would be dying soon. I was not aware of any right or wrong way of discussing death with young children so I simply explained his illness to them and answered all their questions as honestly as I could. This appeared to reassure them and satisfy their urge for more information.
In hindsight, I’m quite glad that we had that discussion. My grandfather passed away late last week and it was an emotional time for us all. But because I had discussed his illness and impending death with my children, they were more accepting of my tears and grief and of the situation itself. They understood that it meant they would never see him again and when they asked me about what happens to his body, we discussed Heaven and I tried to explain to them the difference between a body and a soul.
I’m not sure how much of that particular discussion they understood, because while they quite like the notion of Heaven and eternal life therein, they seemed to have some difficulty grasping the notion of a soul. Unfortunately, regardless of our attempts as parents to simplify complex issues, there remains a number of topics that are simply beyond the comprehension of a young child. In this instance, I believe that my children’s understanding of death will grow as they grow and it may not be until they are adults that they fully understand.
Have you had to discuss the topic of death with your child(ren)? If so, what was your approach and do you think it worked well? Comment on Ghania's blog here.
