Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
Smacking made the headlines again recently, when New Zealand residents voted overwhelming in favour of overturning a law that banned discipline by force. The law was brought in two years ago in an attempt to address the country’s high rate of child abuse. However the vast majority of New Zealanders were apposed to the law, with 90% of responders voting against it in the referendum.
Now, I am certainly not in favour of the government telling us how we can raise our children, but it does sadden me that so many people still feel that it is necessary to use physical force to discipline their kids.
I’m sure we’d all agree that the numbers of children being abused in both NZ and here in Australia are far too high. In 2003 New Zealand had the third-worst rate of child abuse and neglect of the OECD group of countries, a shocking statistic that obviously required drastic action.
But, despite that, I don’t know whether making smacking illegal will lower those numbers or not, as I would suggest that people who abuse their children aren’t too worried about abiding by the law in the first place.
But perhaps it would make those parents who are border-line, not necessarily abusing their kids but being more forceful than they should be, more aware. And perhaps it would make the community more vigilant about reporting suspicions of abuse. Then again, the statistics of cases reported to child protection agencies in this country, versus the numbers of children actually being protected, don’t offer you much hope in that regard either.
Smacking is certainly a hot topic, as I discovered when I blogged about it on the SMH site last year and was shocked by the response I got. I had only been writing the blog for a few weeks and was yet to experience the hostility of a readers revolt, but I certainly got a taste that week! I wasn’t even intending to write about smacking, I was writing about our experiences of toddler tantrums and how to solve them and innocently wrote:
‘Which brings me to smacking. I am firmly in the no smacking camp, as I would presume most of us are these days.’
How wrong could I have been? The majority of comments I received reprimanded me for making that assumption, pointing out that they were very much in favour of smacking and that it was children like mine who were never smacked that were the reason society was going to hell in a hand basket.
Well I’m pleased to say that was over a year ago and we managed to survive those terrible toddler years without smacking our son once, and he hasn’t robbed any banks or been expelled from pre-school as yet!
I’m not going to say there haven’t been times where I’ve felt my blood boil and the urge to smack come over me. Of course, like every parent, I get frustrated. But I know in those moments smacking my son would be due to my anger and loss of control, rather than an effective way to ‘discipline’ him.
Sure, my son is only 3 and I’m sure there will be plenty of moments in the coming years when I will be tempted to give him a tap on the bum for misbehaving. But my husband and I have made the decision not to smack, so we’re going to try really hard in those moments to resist the urge and find other solutions that are just as effective, but more respectful.
I have no doubt I will get plenty of responses again from those of you who believe a smack is a harmless way of disciplining your child, and I welcome the debate. You will probably argue that you were smacked as a child, as I was, and it did us no harm. But I would argue that we ‘turned out ok’ despite the smacking, not because of it. That it was due to the time, love and attention our parents gave us and that the same results would have been achieved without the need for physical punishment.
Because, on my opinion, if it is not acceptable for us to hit any other member of society, why should we be able to hit the smallest and most vulnerable amongst us? The idea that they’re our children so we should be able to punish them as we see fit is also objectionable to me, as it suggests that children are possessions with none of their own rights. I also think it’s fundamentally hypocritical to do something to them that we teach them not to do to others. For example, the idea of a parent smacking their child to punish them for fighting at school is simply nonsensical.
Finally, I am not convinced it works. Are children who are smacked better behaved than those who are not? Do they have more respect for authority due to being smacked, or less? Because I don’t think smacking teaches a child, it just shows them that you are in control and they are not. Perhaps it achieves it’s objective in the short term, controlling through fear. But in the long run, fear doesn’t inspire a child to do the right thing - it only inspires them not to get caught.
Do you smack your children? If so, why do you think it’s necessary and, if not, why have you chosen not to? Do you believe smacking should be illegal, or should it be up to each parent to set their own boundaries? I’m sure there will be some strong opinions on this topic, so let’s try and keep things respectful and level headed!
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