I'm that person everyone hates in Aldi. You know, the woman needing to push the trolley like she's ascending Everest because it's so overloaded with groceries (and inevitably I get the trolley with the dodgy wheels).
With four sporty males to feed, I can't even fit a weeks' groceries into one trolley, and that's before I get to the Special Buys.
I couldn't even fit the Aldi wine advent calendar in if I tried, and let's face it, I'm the one who truly needs it with a December ahead to make anyone quake in their boots.
So you can only imagine what it's like once I get to the checkouts. People impatiently huffing and puffing behind me, looking at me imploringly to let them in.
I can feel the daggers as they watch me unload my hundred items as they stand there with five.
I gladly let a few through, cheerfully ushering them forward as I grab handfuls of frozen pea packets and dump them on the conveyor belt.
"Go, go! No problem, be my guest, my pleasure!" - and I mean that sincerely.
But things start getting hairy when I've let those few people through and then more people arrive behind me and start giving me "the look."
As a bleeding heart empath type person, I care I really do, but as a time-poor mum with only a few hours to get this done, I really at some stage just need to get. it. done.
And because they haven't seen that I've already let a few people through, they think I'm rude for not letting them in.
It's the kind of stress that a woman in the Aldi Mums group on Facebook vented about recently, and I couldn't agree more.
"Aldi needs an express lane for the grumps who basically want to shiv (stab) you... because they want to get ahead," the mum of three wrote.
Aldi's official response was that their "checkouts are known for efficiency and speed" and that it is "proud" of the unique experience of an Aldi shop.
But this only highlights another source of extreme stress for people who aren't able to load groceries quickly, nor race their trolley to the end in time.
Now I go against every nice bone in my body and do what I call "The Aldi Ignore" - we all know that one. You see the person, but you do not see the person, and you merrily get that shopping done in spite of the bad vibes coming your way.
Aldi, seriously, an express checkout for shoppers just grabbing a few items is not that hard. Elderly people need it, people who've had surgical procedures need it, people with disabilities - invisible and visible - need it, and parents need it.
For that parent with a rampaging toddler who only needs enough for dinner and gets caught behind someone like me, an express checkout is perfect, as it is for a person battling health issues.
I was once behind an elderly person suffering incontinence issues who had to wait behind a big shopper. It was horrible and humiliating for that person.
For the love of all that is good, at least try to eliminate some of the tension Aldi shoppers of all kinds feel at the checkouts.
Listen, your loyal shoppers are telling you something. I love you Aldi, but please implement express checkouts.