Jools Oliver, wife of celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, has opened up about experiencing her fifth miscarriage and the pain of longing for more children.
Appearing on the Podcast Made By Mamas, Jools shared that she had been hoping to give her kids, Poppy, 18, Daisy, 17, Petal, 11, Buddy, nine, and River, three, another sibling.
"I really do, but I've just had three miscarriages since then … a recent one three weeks ago and I'm thinking, no," the 45-year-old told host Zoe Hardman. "I dunno. I do want to, but I've just got to mentally check that it's a good idea to do it."
Explaining that she's almost 46, Jools added, "So it's a little bit dodgy."
The designer also shared that husband Jamie has mixed feelings about having another baby.
"He's kinda still up for it, kind of, not really," she said. "I haven't got long, maybe another year and then I really will just shut that chapter off, because I am very happy and I'm pretty full up at the moment as it is.
"But that little baby, it's a terrible thing to keep wanting something and you can't help it."
And it's taking its toll emotionally.
"I went to see the doctor the other day and he said, 'How are you mentally?' and I thought about it and I went: 'Well, this is the fifth one now', I had two before River, and they've been early ones, the last two have been at six-and-a-half weeks. 'So I just feel… I'm really good at going, 'Right, I'm pregnant but it won't work so I'm just going to carry on' whilst everyone gets really into it. I'm kind of not very positive about it."
Jools also shared that she kept the news of her miscarriage from her family as she knew not being able to see them during lockdown would be distressing.
"I did have a pretty dangerous one, I think it was my second one which was really dangerous for myself so my family don't want me to do it again," she said. "They think 'You've got five, you've got healthy children, just be grateful.'"
"I understand because my life is more important so I sometimes may not tell the sisters because I don't want to hurt their feelings, I'd rather just not say because they'll be worried about me specially during lockdown ...'Telling my mum, well, especially because I couldn't see her, would have really upset her so I kept that quiet. She knows now, but, you know…at the time I didn't tell her.'
In an Instagram post to mark the couple's 20th wedding anniversary in June, Jools paid tribute to all her little ones.
"We have created five wonderful children and lost our five little stars in the sky. Thank you for loving me the way you do. We did it, on to the next chapter."