In the past decade fathers have taken an increasingly active role in their sons' lives, says child psychologist Steve Biddulph, and they're thriving from the attention. He talks to Louise Turk.
Boys are beautiful. They have boundless energy, they're full of life, often loud, and they're funny and affectionate.
Yet Australian child psychologist Steve Biddulph warned parents in 1997 in his seminal book Raising Boys, that boys were falling behind girls, in many areas, and that urgent action was needed. Twelve years later, Biddulph believes the problems of the past haven't gone away, but there's been a significant shift in our understanding of boys and how to meet their needs. One of the crucial changes, Biddulph says, is that fathers are now spending more time and doing more hands-on activities with their sons.
"Twentieth century fathering was something of a disaster," Biddulph writes. "Our fathers' generation proved their love by working, not by playing, cuddling, talking or teaching the things that kids really love. But things are looking up. We know from studies across the developed world that fathers have increased the time they spend with children by 400 per cent since the 1970s. Young dads today are determined to spend more time with their kids, and most of them succeed."
In late 2008, Biddulph re-released his book, Raising Boys, to include new research on what helps and what harms boys. In this third edition, he delivers a strong message of hope for parents, despite the ongoing challenges of bringing up sons.
"Recent research has demonstrated that boys have turned around and are now less at risk than 10 years ago," he writes. "We are getting better at raising them.
"With this new realisation of boys' needs for exercise, for warm relationships with mothers, for fathers and other good men in their lives to be active and engaged, for schools that know how to teach in boy-friendly ways, we can now go much further.
"We can raise a generation of boys that are happier, more alive, more connected to the human race, just in time for a world that so badly needs good men."
The third edition addresses new areas of concern such as the relationship between parental stress in the first year of a boy's life and ADHD, the length of maternity and paternity leave, and binge drinking and road deaths.
Biddulph says genders differences are real, in small but important ways. By understanding their stages of development, their psychology, their hormones and their hard-wired nature, boys can be raised into fine young men.
"In the past 10 years a huge amount has been learned about the true nature of boys, which may surprise and delight you," Biddulph writes in Raising Boys in 2008.
"For 30 years it was fashionable to say that boys and girls were really just the same. But as parents and teachers kept telling us, this approach wasn't working.
"A vast amount of new research is confirming parents' intuitions about boys being different in positive ways. We are beginning to understand how to appreciate their masculinity and shape it into something good - not just squash it down."
Biddulph talks with Your Child about raising boys in the 21st century.
Your Child: Since the first edition of Raising Boys was published there have been significant changes in technology. Does this present a new set of challenges for parents?
Biddulph: There has been some concern that boys, already not the best communicators, can become extra nerdy and isolated by getting addicted to computer games. Part of the problem is that dads and uncles and others are not doing as much with them, so they are just bored. Having a reasonable limit on gaming - half-an-hour a night on school nights, two hours a day on weekends is often chosen by parents - is half the answer. But the real issue - getting the men involved and the boys doing active stuff with them more - is the real answer. This is how boys learn confidence, character, and the ability to express themselves more.
Are modern societal problems, such as pressure on adults to work longer hours and family and community breakdowns, making life trickier for boys?
Hurry is the enemy of love. When families are busy they become less like a family and more like a boarding house. Mothers have to be there for sons as well, they are a kind of practise girlfriend and if they don't have time to really enjoy and hang out with their sons, talking and socialising, then the boys may feel less important, as well as less skilled around girls.
What has changed in a positive sense for boys since the first edition of Raising Boys in 1997?
There is a brilliant change that we identified on going back to the research to write the new edition. Dads have increased their time with children nearly threefold. In one generation, there has been a historic change. We are very proud to be part of this movement, and that young dads are so determined to be better than their dads were at hands-on parenthood.
Has there been a revolution in fathering since the 1990s?
See above. In addition, schools are much more responsive to boys needs now. I tour the world talking about boys to teachers, and they now realise that boys need and have to move more, get outside and use energy; that boys like fun and friendliness in a teacher. And sometimes separate classrooms in the puberty years help boys do better in English, which is their worst subject usually. Girls benefit from a safer learning environment too, away from the pressure to look good, sound cool, and so on. Co-ed schools are good if they allow some of this separate space from about 12 to 15.
Raising Boys was a landmark book. Is there still a sense, all these years later, that your work is turning on a light switch in the minds of many parents?
People always are amazed to learn the three stages of boyhood, and the information about their different rates of growth. Mothers like that boys must learn to cook. Not rocket science, but it's news to most people and they feel empowered to have their suspicions confirmed.
Why is it so important to read aloud to boys from babyhood?
It's the same as for girls but more. Reading is not a mechanical thing, it's about the lovely feeling of going into your imagination where life is exciting and emotionally rich. So from toddlerhood the feeling of the bedtime story links feeling secure, relaxing, and being given something special by dad or mum. It becomes associated with books and stories, and the lifelong love of books is begun.
Why is it crucial for boys to have great male role models?
Everyone needs to see people who are like them - in gender, race, size, nationality - succeeding and going well. You can't become a good man unless you know what one looks like.
Top tip for raising boys for time-poor and/or parents who lack confidence in their own parenting abilities.
Enjoy them. Parenthood is a discovered thing, and you never fail if you just keep trying.
* Raising Boys 3rd Edition (Finch Publishing) by Steve Biddulph is $24.95.
Bonding with dad Case study
Mount St Thomas dad Andrew Harper works long hours in the retail sector, but he has always found time to maintain a nightly ritual with his three boys.
Since they were babies, brothers Callum, 9, Angus, 7, and Nicholas, 6, have enjoyed a special moment with their dad before they fall asleep.
A period when they calm down, snuggle up in bed, feel loved and safe, and have a story read aloud to them.
The bedtime routine, as well as being fun, is part of the Harper's parenting strategy to ensure that Andrew remains a central and connected figure in family life. Mum Nolie-Anne, who works part-time as a nurse at Wollongong Hospital, spends more time hands-on parenting with the boys and Cianne, 16 months, yet when Andrew is at home he has an active role with them.
"I get involved with the kids' school activities such as homework," he says. "I sit down and help them with their homework during the week. Because I work on the weekends it's a little bit difficult to take any role in weekend sport but I do take the boys to training. I try to train and coach them where I can."
Andrew, a department manager at The Good Guys Warrawong, says as the boys get older he has noticed their increased need to bond with him.
"There is a great buzz from the boys when I take them bike riding, swimming or I play soccer with them," he says.
"But often it's the little things. They want to talk to me. They want to come down and see me at work. They want me to take them out more often to various activities such as the movies."
Nolie-Anne says the children spend a lot of time with both grandfathers, who are positive role models.
"Andrew's dad John is really good," she says. "He's great with children, great with teaching things, and he brings an extra dimension to our lives."
Andrew says their main approach to parenting is making sure there is structure at home.
"We think it's really important to set boundaries for them," he says.
"We have house rules of which the boys are aware. They understand that if they break the house rules there are consequences. We find that if we don't give them limitations they just push the envelope more and more.
"We try to focus on their positive behaviour and use praising techniques where appropriate. If there is minor difficult behaviour we ignore it, or we redirect the boys to something else."
Nolie-Anne says keeping the boys physically active and ensuring communication lines were open kept family life running smoothly: "We sit down for dinner around the table, most nights, to talk about what happened during the day."
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