It's occurred to me recently that us mums could do with a few specific gifts this Christmas. With young kids at home and some very long days had, I think I speak for mums everywhere when I say that there are certain things that could definitely make those days less painful.
The thing is, they require a bit of magic, and apparently you're all about making the impossible happen. You get into our house year after year and we don't have a chimney. Somehow you deliver presents to children all over the world in less than two days, carrying all the presents in just the one sack. And then there's your mode of travel - a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer … yeah, that's a whole lot of magic.
You've clearly got the goods to make our wishes come true this year. And to be honest, you owe us for keeping your story intact all this time, Santa. Have you any idea how many questions we mums and dads have to field from curious and sceptical kids?
To help you out, I've made you a list. Forget the pyjamas and books this year, this is what mums really want for Christmas.
1. Privacy to pee
What mum wouldn't love a bit of privacy to use the bathroom or have a shower, just once in the day? It would be quite the Christmas gift to be able to use the toilet without a small person hammering on the door, wandering in to start a conversation, or, my personal favourite, climbing up for a cuddle while I'm mid-flow.
2. A hot cup of coffee
I haven't had one of these in about three years. These days, my morning coffee is interrupted, forgotten and reheated about eight times before I manage to get it into me, and it's always lukewarm. I'm begging you here, Santa: I need the hot caffeine in one decent hit. Just one time!
3. Smear-free for a day
What a Christmas miracle it would be to venture out of the house without discovering that I have baby yoghurt smeared all down my front or someone else's dried snot on my face. When you discover either of these things while you're lining up at the bank, it can be very hard to recover from.
4. FIVE MINUTES OF PEACE
I asked the kids to give me this three times today. It appears to be a pointless pursuit. If you granted mums this one for Christmas, I could think of at least 10 things to do with FIVE MINUTES OF PEACE. Like complete a coherent thought in my head. Finish a text message. Get my coffee out of the microwave.
5. The ability to sneeze and ... that's it
I won't go into the details here. It's really an issue that only women can appreciate, and I'd hate to embarrass you. But suffice to say, I've paid a high price for the odd sneeze here and there that I - ahem - wasn't prepared for. Mums deserve to be able to sneeze without the aftermath. By the way, that trampoline you brought for Polly last year? So. Not. Welcome.
6. Wrinkles be gone
They say kids keep you young, but what's with all the wrinkles, Santa? What a treat it would be to look in the mirror and see a revitalised, line-free face. Although I guess the laughter lines are down to all the belly laughs with the kids over the years. And the dark circles: a result of many, many midnight cuddles. And I do love laughter and cuddles ... okay, I can make my peace with the lines and shadows, but can you do anything about these early greys?
7. An extra hour
We mums fit a lot of things into one day, and apparently we're meant to squeeze 'me-time' into the mix as well. Here's what I'm thinking: if you can magic up an extra hour in the day, we might just get to it. As for what I'd do with that extra hour, I have many ideas. I could exercise, do an evening course, maybe even read a book without falling asleep ... actually, what am I saying? Sleep. I'd use it to sleep.
8. Slow it all down
Speaking of time, Santa, could you please slow it down a little? These days are rushing past me at a frightening rate. I swear every time I wake up, the kids have grown an extra centimetre and lost some more of their delicious baby chub. Sure, the days can be long and hard, but I'd do anything to slow down those intense, heartfelt cuddles.
I'd even put up with lukewarm coffee.
Thanks Santa. I know you won't let us down this year.