Author and journalist Gill South.
A lot of us working mothers worry that our work is affecting our kids for the worse. Would they be getting straight A's if we were home every day attentively helping them with their homework at afternoon tea?
Would they be in the top swim team if we were driving them to swimming lessons every day rather than selfishly pursuing our careers?
If we want to believe that we are in some ways limiting our children's success, there is plenty of data you can track down by right wing bloggers and the like.
There is also plenty of data which says if we stay at home, especially in the early years, our kids will have better learning skills. It seems they do catch up though, according to one pretty thorough study listed in the box. As with everything, I think it is up to each individual family.
If parents are making an effort to include some learning time when they are with their kids, I'm sure those learning skills can be kept up at a good level. My kids were in daycare from 9.00 - 4.30 four days a week and one day 9-3, and their learning skills were excellent by the time they got to school. They had such a great carers at their University creche who were not allowed to teach, but who certainly encouraged them with their interests.
I have interviewed some of the children of working parents whom I have featured in my book Because We're Worth It, to see how they feel about having busy working Mums. I wanted to know how they would run their families and it was interesting to find that some were not that keen on repeating their mothers' lives.
They do however have high expectations of their careers. I think it's fair to say though that they are a remarkably mature, well adjusted and thinking group, a small survey though it may be.
One working mother I know, Frances, took on a full-time job for a while, and found it didn't work for her family. Her teenage son, Paul, was 15. "It was bad timing," she says. Although her son's response was, "I don't need you at home, I'm sweet, don't worry about it," a family friend who popped in on him one day told Frances she thought he was lonely. "That time after school, they want you there so that they can come home and ignore you," says Frances, who also has an older daughter.
Although this is the new consultative era, parents do still make the decisions. Jane Dodd, a public relations consultant and a full-time working mother since her children were small, says: "If you have made the decision to work, you should not be apologetic about it. You don't need to get the child to give you permission."
She has explained to her nine-year-old son, Jack, that she goes to work because she really likes working. She takes him into the office for a half day now and then to show him her work.
Samantha, who works as cabin crew for Qantas, says: "My children say, 'Mum, you are always so tired on the days that you work.' That's true, but they like all the cheap flights and holidays we go on. When I say, 'Do you want me to leave?' they say, 'No, we like the overseas holidays Mum - you can't leave.'"
"I don't know who's going to divorce you first, me or Daddy," Meg-Bridie Collyer once said to her working mother, Michelle, in a heated moment. Michelle Collyer is executive officer of Fertility NZ and a confirmed working mother who has tried both working and not working. If Meg-Bridie was asked if she wanted her mum to work, she'd probably say no, even though it would mean they had less money, says Michelle. Meg-Bridie - '14 going on 21, according to her mother - had a few years where her mother was at home and so it's been hard for her to take this more stressed woman picking her up late from school activities.
She understands the importance of work to her mother. "When she wasn't working, Mum lost her sense of worth. She feels great when she's got a report in; she feels a real sense of achievement." And Meg-Bridie is proud of the jobs she is given to help her mother. "I think having a Mum that works, she can go to me, 'Can you file this?' That's pretty good, a 14 year old who can file. I have sorted out leaflets too," she says.
Meg-Bridie is not averse to having children but she's in no rush. "I think it works best if you are financially stable before you settle down. Mum didn't - she had us then went back to university to study. She found that quite stressful - studying with young children. I will study first, get qualifications, then settle down. I would like work to be more flexible after children."
Gill South is author of Because We're Worth It; A where to from here for today's working mothers. The book takes a close look at the changing workplace, and encourages women to be braver about requesting a better deal both at work and at home. Timely, practical and full of personal anecdotes from working mothers in New Zealand and Australia.
Are you a working Mum? What do your kids think? Should working Mums have to justify their decision any more than Dads? Chat here.
