If a woman has not had much to do with babies before... Life as she has known it is turned upside-down.
Antonia Kidman is the mother of Lucia, 10, Hamish, 8, James, 5, and Sybella, 2. Here, the award-winning TV presenter, who separated from her husband in 2007, shares her thoughts on motherhood.
Women are well-versed in secrets. We hold many. While men presume we spend our time talking about everything and anything - like SJP and her friends in Sex And The City - most of us put on a brave face; keep up appearances. It's only when things fall apart that the truth comes out.
The code of silence that surrounds motherhood is real. Understandably, many women are reluctant to share the intimate details of childbirth with one who is yet to go through it, motivated by a mixture of protection, inhibition and an unwillingness to shatter another's euphoria. But there are other secrets we keep, too.
Before children, today's women have lives that are incredibly similar to men's. We are encouraged to finish school, attend university and establish a career. We have the option to marry for love. Our futures are not determined by our fertility. However, when a baby arrives, everything grinds to a forceful halt.
In the short-term, our biology becomes our destiny.
If a woman has not had much to do with babies before, the realisation is confronting. Life as she has known it is turned upside-down.
I remember bringing my first child home from hospital on the weekend and, when Monday came around, I was home alone with a newborn. I was too scared to leave the house, but couldn't seem to complete any domestic jobs. Life was consumed with settling, changing nappies and learning how to breastfeed. It wasn't how I imagined those first few weeks to be.
New motherhood is an unusual dichotomy of intoxicating love mixed with the demands and dependence of a baby. There's no doubt children unify and bond a relationship. But there are other changes, too. Freedom becomes an issue. Many parents feel burdened by the relentless cycle of work, child care and domesticity. New motherhood means farewelling financial independence, spontaneity and the buzz of workplace interaction. But in its place is fulfilment of another kind. For me, raising children provides purpose. Those tender moments of reciprocated love and devotion are priceless.
The advances of our feminist forebears have widened the choices for women today, yet, to some degree, women are still locked into a gender role. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2006 men spent, on average, 22 minutes a day on child-care activities, compared with women's 59 minutes a day. I have a friend who organises a babysitter to help her husband look after their two children, aged 5 and 3, if she goes out for a night. While the arrangement is acceptable to them, in the reverse it would seem outrageous.
Women who surrender their marketplace value to raise their children should not be dismissive about their contribution. For one of my friends who stayed at home, the guilt, accountability and need to justify her expenses were so great that she returned to part-time work before she was ready. "We didn't need the money," she says, "but it was eroding my confidence and that was affecting our relationship."
Feelings of loss and guilt can be strong if a woman works for financial need. Conversely, if she works for reasons such as satisfaction, stimulation or ambition, society deems her selfish. Many mothers are ashamed if they place their children in child care from an early age. It's a judgment that doesn't touch men.
It is important that women know their value and worth. Divorce, unemployment and illness are challenges that can affect us at any time. A woman arming herself with knowledge and contingencies is not to tempt fate or be an act of betrayal; information empowers a woman to share in the responsibility and protection of her family. Relinquishing the bigger financial decisions can leave us in a very vulnerable position, and to blindly give up this power is to do a disservice to ourselves and our families.
Women need to be mindful not to overburden themselves. A woman's assertiveness and refusal to neglect her needs is not an act of indulgence, but rather a commitment to her future. Awareness of her capabilities and limitations will serve her well.
As long as women struggle to admit their dreams and failures, or disguise reality with a facade of perfection, they stop themselves from moving forward. Sometimes honesty and vulnerability can be the most enlightening tools of all.
