Essential Baby blogger Amity Dry
Grandparents, it’s a word that’s sure to conjure up strong emotions for all of us. For me it’s memories of family holidays spent playing in my Nanna and Grandpa’s caravan, of my Grandma’s stewed apricots and games of Yatzee, of warm embraces and unconditional love. And, more recently, of seeing my own parents joy at the relationship they share with their grandchildren. Oh, and it makes me think of babysitting. Throughout my own childhood and especially now, I would be lost without the help of grandparents babysitting.
It doesn’t escape me how lucky I am to have had such positive experiences with grandparents, both past and present. But sadly those apple pie memories, as well as the constant babysitting help, is not the case for everyone. Many parents struggle with the relationship with their own parents once they have children, as they find they are not the grandparents they had hoped they’d be.
I was talking about this with a friend the other day, as she shared the story of a visit from her parents to see her 15 month old. She has been estranged from her parents for many years, due to issues from her own childhood. But when she gave birth to her daughter she decided to try and repair the relationship, for the sake of her child. As she explained ‘Just because I can’t stand them doesn’t mean I want put that baggage onto my child. I want her to have grandparents in her life and there are none on my husbands side, so they are all she has.’ So she gave them a chance, only to find she was disappointed again. She found the old wounds resurfacing when her father treated her toddler in the same gruff and dismissive manner he had always shown her. And when she tried to offer some suggestions on how to relate to her child, she was told she was ‘too sensitive and over-protective.’ Suddenly she was 10 years old again and wondering whether her father’s influence on her daughter would leave her with the same emotional scars she has fought so hard to overcome herself. As she asked me ‘What’s worse, bad grandparents or no grandparents?’
Knowing some of the history in her case, my instinct was to suggest no grandparents. But of course it’s not always that simple, which led me to wonder how many parents are struggling with the same issues. A few Google searches on ‘Bad grandparents’ and ‘Problems with grandparents’ gave me my answer, with many, many websites and forums dedicated to this often wonderful, but occasionally fraught relationship. From parents who smoke around their grandkids despite pleas not to, to unrequested advice on breastfeeding, settling, sleeping and discipline. It’s clear there are a lot of parents struggling with how to have their own parents involved in their children’s lives, when there are fundamental differences of opinions on how to parent.
I’m sure we have all experienced parenting advice from our own parents or in-laws that we have politely refuted or ignored. Mine was the oft-mentioned suggestion to top up my non-sleeping babies with formula, despite my assurances they weren’t hungry and I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. However, I realise this was just her way of trying to help when I was clearly exhausted and once I had a made it clear it wasn’t a path I wanted to follow the suggestion wasn’t given again. But there are so many things we do differently now, that some grandparents must struggle to know what advice of theirs is still relevant. I remember seeing a ‘New Grandparents’ course at my hospital, to help soon to be grandparents refresh their parenting knowledge, and thinking what a great idea it was. I do wonder how many would attend though, or how many would scoff at the idea of having anything to learn after raising their own without the help of any course!
Which brings me to babysitting, which was another common complaint in the ‘Problems with grandparents’ forums. Mainly, how much should we expect our parents to help us, if at all? Again, I count myself incredibly lucky to almost always have grandparents (or siblings) on hand to help with babysitting, which certainly beats paying an extra $100 for every night out. But I would never expect it and constantly walk the fine line of accepting help and not abusing their generosity by asking for it too much. Yet, with the current baby boomer generation often living more active social lives than their children, many modern day parents are finding their parents are just too busy to look after their kids. From holidays abroad to action packed weekends, many grandparents love their grandkids but don’t want to be burdened with their care. Leaving many parents, rightly or wrongly, feeling resentful.
So what are your thoughts? Do we have the right to expect help from our parents or is their job done? How do you deal with differences of opinion when your parents offer advice or treat your kids in a manner you are not comfortable with?
What is worse, bad grandparents or no grandparents? Go to Amity's Blog.
Amity Dry is a writer, composer, singer and mum of two. She blogs for Essential Baby and is the writer and composer of ‘Mother, Wife and the Complicated Life,’ a new musical that takes a raw and honest look at marriage and motherhood. Follow Amity on Twitter.
