Essential Baby blogger Justine Davies
I know this question might cop some flak from some of your female readers, but I am genuinely hoping that there are other readers out there who have experienced the same thing and have some constructive suggestions.
My wife and I have been married for six years and have always had a good sex life. We started trying for a baby two years ago and now have a beautiful eight month old little girl who is the joy of our lives.
The an unexpected side-effect of having our daughter though is that it has killed my sexual desire for my wife – something which neither of us can really understand. She has asked if I’m having an affair (I’m not) and she is now pushing herself much too hard to regain her pre-baby body, not understanding that it has nothing to do with her (minor) weight gain. She is a very private person and hasn’t spoken to anyone about the issue, but I know that it is eating her up inside.
I love my wife, I’d never cheat on her, but I don’t feel sexually aroused by her at the moment. I want to believe that it’s temporary. I know that it has something to do with watching her give birth and watching her breastfeed every day – and don’t misunderstand, I think all of that is miraculous - it’s killed my libido though. Please tell me it’s temporary, she’s as devastated as I am.
Troy.
Hi Troy,
I do feel for you both. Having a new baby, learning your way around being a parent and all that it entails while still juggling everything else that happens in life is enough for anyone, without throwing sexual dysfunction into the mix!
I have asked well-known and well-respected sex therapist and author Bettina Arndt for some advice.
“I certainly have come across this before,” she says. “It is not usual for men to struggle to retain sexual desire when their woman shifts from being their lover, their partner to become the mother of their child. The birth experience, watching their partners deal with pain, leaves some men feeling alienated and guilty that the sexual act has lead to so much suffering for their partner. Some men find it difficult to eroticize the mother of their children – they can’t shake off the old Madonna/Whore stereotypes and feel guilty about associating entertaining lusty, passionate thoughts about her while she is nurturing their young.
The feelings are natural but that doesn’t mean men should give in to them and allow them to create a chasm between you. Sexual tension can so easily corrode the intimacy and closeness in a relationship. I think it is terribly important in any circumstance where one person is sexually disinterested that they think about the impact of being constantly rejected on their partner.”
Troy, Bettina’s advice to you is that you don’t need desire to make love. Does that sound strange? It shouldn’t. It’s common though, and Bettina has actually covered this topic in detail in her latest book: ‘The Sex Diaries’ which was released earlier this year.
“Desire is a decision,” she says. “You can still make the effort to make your partner feel like a sexually desirable person – by paying compliments, teasing, kissing, tempting, seducing… all of that is possible without desire. And then you can put the canoe in the water and start paddling and see what happens… Start making love, through touching, caressing, kissing… and the chances are that you will then start to respond. The sooner you make the effort to get back in the swing of things and re-establish a lusty relationship together, the less chance there is that this tension and confusion over lost sexual desire will take over and ruin your relationship. Just do it!”
EB Members what constructive advice do you have? Leave a comment for Troy in our Bad Parents' Blog.
