Something embarrassing happened the other night. When a friend of mine had lipstick on his face, I licked my thumb and reached out to wipe it from his cheek. Luckily, no-one saw me and I made a hasty retreat.
It got me thinking of the things I do now, when child-free, which gives the game away. It's like walking around with a big, flashing red arrow pointing at my head with the words 'Mum on the Loose' emblazoned on it.
So here's my list of incriminating actions that show I'm a mum.
You know you're a mum when ...
1) You haven't changed the way you do your make-up for at least five years ... or maybe 10, maybe 20. Not to say you still use blue eyeshadow, but when you notice teenagers wearing the same colour lipstick as you, you know you're not up with the youngsters - you just haven't moved on from 1990.
2) When dining out with friends, you eat your food at super speed, just in case things go pear-shaped. Or perhaps you're just so excited to eat hot food. Or maybe you're scoffing it down just in case someone tries to eat something off your plate. Or you're scared the babysitter will call telling you to come home. Or all of the above.
3) You have to make a rule with friends to not discuss kids when out. Pre-kids there were no rules when going out with friends.
4) You pour everyone's water for them ... but just a third of a glass, in case anyone spills it.
5) You try to cut up your husband's steak.
6) You look at your watch every 15 minutes, wondering if you'll get enough sleep.
7) You think doing the Bus Stop or the Macarena is cutting edge on the dance floor, but your friends stop you before you can launch into the Chicken Dance.
8) You plan out the entire evening before you've even left the house. (Oh, who am I kidding, you plan it weeks in advance.)
9) You get dressed at the last possible minute to avoid your children wiping snot on your clothes.
10) No matter what you do, there's always snot on your clothes.
11) After trying on your heels, you wear flat shoes out. (Unless you've got a big bag so you can carry a second pair for back-up.)
12) You get super excited about going to the toilet. All. By. Yourself.
13) You make comments like, "If my girls ever wear clothes like that, they'll never leave the house" or "Man, those kids like look they're 10-years-old" - or the gem: "I wish someone would ask me for ID".
14) You go hard early, sculling your entire evening's alcohol content in the first hour.
15) When at a coffee shop with a friend, you automatically push the sugar to the side of the table, so no one eats out of it. Ditto with the salt and pepper. Knives are also removed.
16) You consider going to the supermarket by yourself quality "me time". Same goes for dentist visits.
17) You turn the music off when you get into the car, because it might be the only time you hear nothing for weeks.
18) You know all the words to the Dora the Explorer theme song.
19) You can name every character from In The Night Garden and make the accompanying sounds.
20) Wine time gets earlier each day of school holidays. By the end, you're having gin on your Weetbix.
Republished with permission from bigwords.
Bianca Wordley blogs at bigwords. She has three children, a not-so-secret love of reality television and believes women can do anything.
Did you find yourself nodding along with this list? Have you got any of your own points to add? Comment below, or on the Essential Baby Forum.