Sibling rivalry
"It's my turn!"
"It's not fair, she always gets to."
"I hate you!"
Is World War III playing out in your lounge room? Do you feel like a referee in an ultra lightweight division fight? If this sounds familiar then your family is probably a one of the many families that experience sibling rivalry on a regular basis.
When we decide to add to our family we have visions of two (or more) children who are the best of pals, holding hands and laughing conspiratorially as they spend their fun-filled hours together.
Then one day the bubble bursts, and you realise the dream you have is never going to happen. Your kids see each other as mortal enemies that need to be eliminated. You constantly hear their battle cries- with "I HATE YOU" being a favoured chant.
So why do many siblings struggle to get along? Well let's imagine that you came home one day and your husband says to you "Darling, this is Louise my second wife. She's going to be living with us from now on, people are going to constantly make comments about how cute she is, she's going to take my attention, and you will need to share your time and belongings with her". Now most of us would find this a little difficult to take.
We would reason that life was perfectly fine before and question we need to add another person to the mix as well as think why should I have to compromise and give up what I've had? Now put these emotions and thoughts into little bodies and that is what it is like to for children when they gain a sibling. Most kids do love their brothers or sisters, but they are also fierce competitors for parental time, attention, and resources.
So how do we deal with our kids fighting much of the time and seeming to hate each other? Well the first step is to consider how much time they actually spend fighting. If it is only a small proportion of the time, and they mostly get along and are relatively kind to each other then you probably don't need to do too much.
If your kids are bickering and fighting constantly, if they are getting physical, or if your family feels really stressed and unhappy then you may need to take more direct action.
Give individual time and attention - each child should get some small, one-on-one time with each of their parents regularly (as little as five minutes each day). This should be a time where they get to lead you in playing, talking, or doing something special.
Don't compare - it is so easy to fall into the trap of comparing siblings (e.g. "Why can't you be like your brother and just do what I ask?"). When we do this then our children start to feel resentful of their sibling and take their frustration out on them.
Treat them equivalently - notice here I didn't say 'equally', this was deliberate. Children of different ages should have different requirements around behaviour, bedtimes, independence and so on. Sometimes one child will need more than another. However, there should be the same general expectations about how they treat each other and what to do when there is conflict.
Don't take sides - if they are fighting, then rather than trying to find out who started it (this is usually a bit of a chicken or the egg argument), give them both a consequence as it takes two to 'fight'. Teach them to walk away, or seek you out if their sibling tries to pick a fight.
Let them sort out minor grievances - squabbling with siblings teaches children valuable life skills including conflict resolution and assertiveness. If we try to sort out all their fights for them, we are denying them valuable learning experiences. You can give them assistance to work out how they can solve their problems, but do this by coaching them (e.g. "Emily, if you want to use the computer then ask Ben if you can have a go in ten minutes") rather than taking over (e.g. Ben get off the computer.)
Give them responsibilities - create a sense of a tight family unit where everyone has responsibilities for the smooth running of the family and the home. Even young children can have a job to call their own.
Reward them for cooperative behaviour - when they share, play nicely together, or speak kindly make sure you notice and give them lots of praise. Sometimes children fight because it is another way to get parents to notice them; you know the old saying "any attention is better than no attention".
Let them have their own belongings - it is important that all kids have some toys and belongings that are out of bounds to their siblings. They should not have to share everything, and in turn they need to learn that they can't have everything that their sibling has.
Give them their own space - all kids need to have some time to themselves and somewhere to retreat to if they want some alone time. If you need to you could introduce a rule that they can only enter the other child's room if invited. When they share a room, allow them to have space in the room that is theirs to store their things.
Schedule high conflict items - televisions, computers, gaming consoles and telephones tend to be things that kids have difficulty sharing and may need some more structured rules around their use. Perhaps you could display a schedule of who gets to use them at particular times, or set the timer for each child so that there is clear guidelines as to whose turn it is.
Plan ahead - make sure they have activities to engage them at high risk times. These ticking time bombs are often around when you are going for long drives in the car, needing to make long phone calls or prepare dinner. Make sure each child has an activity to undertake to reduce the likelihood of being bored and deciding to torment their sibling for a bit of entertainment.
Spend time together as a family having fun. Sometimes when fighting is frequent and severe it can cause the whole family to feel tense. By spending time doing fun activities together it can help everyone to reconnect and create a sense of unity.
And finally, try not to despair, sometimes kids will fight less as they grow up and develop their own independence... if not, eventually they will leave home! Do seek professional assistance if you are not coping, if your relationship with your children or partner is seriously suffering, or if there is physical aggression that is out of your control.
Article written by psychologist Dr Emma Little, Stepping Stones Psychology: Child & Adolescent Psychological Services
Melbourne.
Do your children fight? Discuss sibling rivalry with parents in our kids forum.
