Dads as role models
Like most first-time fathers I too live with this perennial fear I'm stuffing the poor lad up. Doing more harm than good, really. Speak to any father and most, if not all, will tell you they're making this parenting malarkey up as they go along.
After all, it's not like we're given some definitive, proven "how to" manual the moment we walk out of the maternity ward with our newly acquired bundles of joy.
Try as I may to teach my 20-month-year old to run, cycle, kick and read I have this nagging doubt that I should also be teaching him the violin - not that I actually play the violin - in case he misses his chance of growing up to be the chief virtuoso in the Sydney Symphony. And if he wants to be an F1 racer surely now would be the ideal time to be teaching him to drive? No?
Perhaps that is all a bit over-ambitious for a kid still in nappies; however, researching this piece it's increasingly clear the role we fathers play as teachers and role models to our kids.
And it's those little things - teaching your son to ride his first bike, hammer a nail, tie some rope, build a fire - things we may consider inconsequential at the time that are showing to have real value in a child's development.
An Australian survey released in August discovered that 75 per cent of Aussie men learned their most valuable life skills from their own fathers. The report commissioned by the razor company Braun concluded that sons learned so much from their dads because the relationship is so heavily based on activities or simply doing stuff together.
Commenting on the survey's findings Michael Grose, author of A Man's Guide To Raising Kids, deduced that "the language of fathering is all about doing things." Grose sighted previous research that showed boys who have actively engaged fathers often do better in school, socially and emotionally. "Given that many dads of today credit their father as being their most important teacher of life skills underscores just how important role models can be for young boys," said Grose.
But will all that time and effort we spend in the first five years trying to cultivate a good kid be lost when our boys hit school and discover new role models, frequently undesirable ones, in boozy sports stars, drug-addled musicians or misogynistic rappers? Not necessarily so says Doctor Richard Fletcher from The University of Newcastle's Family Action Centre. Fletcher says he regularly visits schools and asks boys from kindergarten through to senior high school who they most hold up as a role model and he says the answer is invariably an older male family member, be it the dad, grandfather, an older brother or uncle.
"From about the age of three," says Fletcher, "little boys understand that they are going to grow up to become men and that's why fathers are not just a role model they're the role model; whether they like it or not they can't get out of the job."
Even for boys who see their fathers sparingly, be that through divorce or work commitments, Fletcher says that so long as the parent is committed research has shown the bond between the two will be as significant had the child seen his father every day.
According to Fletcher the route to being a good role model to our sons is probably nothing you wouldn't already expect. It's about giving them your time, understanding what the child wants, setting limits where necessary and engaging the child in a way that makes them think you care about them.
Researchers are also starting to understand the vital importance of that "rough and tumble" play between dads and their boys. Far from being an excuse to fall out of tree and graze their knee it's now thought that this more physical interaction is vital for a child's cognitive development, helping him to build networks in the brain, regulate emotions and focus on what he wants to get.
And role modelling's not just about the intentional. It's important for dads - and mums, too, for that matter - to be aware that their kids will mimic their unconscious actions too. They're things like controlling your temper, how you speak to your spouse, even the way you behave behind the wheel of the car.
But are young boys really in crisis when it comes to role models? Absent fathers, lack of strong role models outside the home, even a lack of male teachers in the classroom? "Yes, to a degree," admits Fletcher, "but I think that's as much society's fault for not valuing the role of fatherhood or fathers as role models strongly enough."
But is so often the case in fathering the route to success is that one thing called time: the kids want the little you have. Ask any dad and he'll tell you he'd far prefer to be mucking about with his children than hacking about for 60 hours in the office. And as we continue to better the state of mums and maternity leave, it's the dads who appear to be working even longer. Maybe Steve Biddulph was on to something when he suggested in his book Manhood that every father get a year off when he turned 40 to spend with his kids. Sure it'd probably bankrupt the country but a worthy idea all the same.
In August British politician David Lammy caused a stir when he claimed dads who worked long hours were the worst role models of all. It's Lammy's belief that far from instilling any kind of work ethic in their sons, dads who did long hours were turning their sons off work and actually made crime a far more attractive option.
In conclusion being a father and a role model is like being a South Sydney fan and being constantly disappointed - it comes with the territory. And as cheesy as it may sound if you want him to grow up to be a good man you need to start by being a good one yourself. Oh, and don't pick your nose at the traffic lights, they're watching that too...
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