Justine Davies
My husband and I have two boys. Very good friends of ours have one son who is just a bit older than our kids. The thing is though - I can’t stand him. He is spoilt, obnoxious, rough and bullies our youngest son (who is a bit shy). But his parents are great friends of ours (the two husbands were each others “best man”) so we catch up with them quite a bit.
A couple of months ago over dinner they told us that they were having a Will done and asked us if we would be guardian for their son if something happened to them. My husband said “yes” straight away and I didn’t say anything, which I know was stupid.
Very, very stupid actually because they have now been to the solicitor and had their Will drawn up and have nominated us as guardians. I know that the chance of something happening to them is small, but the idea that their son could end up living with us is giving me nightmares. Literally, I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it. Not only because I don’t like him but because it wouldn’t be fair on our kids. It would seriously impact on their quality of life to have this spoilt monster sharing their room and toys and every other aspect of their life for the next ten years or so.
I don’t know what to do. They have already paid for their Will and we did already say yes. Should I leave it and hope nothing happens or tell them that it’s “no” and risk upsetting them?
Marcia.
Hi Marcia,
Jeez – I know your husband was probably just being polite, but he really shouldn’t have said “yes” without discussing it properly! Still, that’s water under the bridge. The real question is what to do now.
And look, don’t feel bad that you didn’t say anything, because it is a delicate situation and it’s difficult to know exactly what to say. To help you out I have interviewed Paul Brennan, a practising lawyer with Brennans Solicitors. Paul is also the author of several books, including ‘The Law is an Ass’ and ‘A Legal Guide to Dying’.
“Becoming a guardian is an immense responsibility”, he says. “You have to consider not only the child who you are being asked to become guardian for, but also the impact that introducing that child into your family unit will have on your own children. Quite frankly it can have a horrendous effect on your family, and your children may feel particularly hard done by.”
And if you don’t like that child now, chances are you may like him even less if he is living with you! Paul warns that children’s behaviour can deteriorate markedly when they are experiencing a traumatic event. “In my experience kids don’t spare the rod if their parents die,” he says. “They are processing grief and trauma and they can be even more disruptive that normal. Just because you will be feeling sorry for them won’t necessarily help you to like them more – let’s be honest, sometimes there are kids that we do hate. That’s human nature.”
Marcia, as to whether you should turn around and say “no” to your friends, Paul advises you to consider leaving it the way it is. “For now, I’d be inclined to just leave it and get on with your life,” he says. “The chances of something happening to both your friends is very small, and over time your situations will change. They may well nominate different guardians down the track as their family circumstances change. If the worst does happen you can always refuse the guardianship, in which case the courts will decide what is in the best interest of the child. Most often Grandparents will step in, or an Uncle or Aunt.”
Either way it may not be worth risking a friendship now over something that is a remote future possibility. Good luck!
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