Beating the 'but whys?'

Negotiating with your child rather than telling them "no" can be beneficial, improving their self-esteem and teaching them skills like respect and compromise.

It's summer holidays and 11-year-old Jayden would rather go motorbike riding than help around the house. Deciding the best way to handle these type of situations is something every parent grapples with. Is it time to negotiate or will a flat-out "no," suffice?

Deciding the best option to take is a dilemma Berkeley single mother of six, including Jayden, Lisa Poole faces almost constantly. With children aged between two and 13, she's learned to adopt an age-appropriate parenting style, but prefers to negotiate.

The young ones have a short attention span, so even when they're told "no", it's not long before they have moved on to something else. But from eight-year-old Ben onwards, negotiation is a must when there's a barrage of "but whys?"

Bargaining over when the kids can take part in social activities is commonplace, and dinner time is chaotic. Poole refuses to make three different main meals, so it's a long negotiation process to ensure the kids eat meals they don't like in exchange for those they do. Poole says negotiation has its benefits.

"They are learning to communicate and make decisions. You can't just say 'no' 'cause they are going to be grouchy," she says.

Giving in to demands is not an option. Once a loophole is found the kids will milk it for all its worth and continue to challenge the parent's authority.

"Respect is a big thing as a single parent. If you don't make a child realise you are the authority and respect your decision you will lose control," she says.

Learning to communicate and negotiate effectively is a useful skill, particularly when children are looking to enter the workforce.

"At work there are guidelines and rules and sometimes you have to go outside the box," Poole says.

Wollongong clinical psychologist Anna Shewan specialises in children and adolescents, and says negotiation is a life skill essential for working life.

Individuals must learn how to work as part of a team and co-operate with others. "There is the fear that if some parents don't say no, they are being permissive," Shewan says.

"Negotiation isn't permissive; a parent is showing guidance and leadership."

Involving the child in the decision-making, improves their self-esteem and teaches valuable skills like active listening, consideration of others' opinions, compromise, empathy and mutual respect.

There are times however, when "no" is appropriate, like health, safety and legal matters, or when negotiation fails to achieve an acceptable outcome.

Shewan says negotiation usually results in parents achieving their goals, while earning the child's co-operation and respect.

"Children learn that the parent is prepared to listen and consider their points of view. They can feel that they have been heard rather than being forced into submission," she says.

Saying "no" without discussion can lead to anger, resentment and resistance, which can result in alienation between parent and child, revenge and rebellion.

In a household where discussions take place, kids are likely to respect their parent's opinion, even if they're given a final "no".

"If they grow up in an environment used to negotiating and they know their parents do listen to them, they would respect it (being told "no"), if given an explanation," she says.

Shewan says negotiation can take place with children of any age. When very young, it may involve establishing expectations for behaviour, being consistent, and providing a choice like which food to eat or clothes to wear.

Older kids and teens can be involved in negotiations on activities like home tasks, curfews and driving privileges. Parents can improve their negotiation skills by checking out parenting literature in bookshops, government agencies and on the internet.

Some tactics for negotiating with children

- Start an agreement, not an argument. Phrase your requests so that your child can say "Yes".
- Explain your point of view.
- Know that negotiation doesn't mean giving in.
- Negotiate issues in age-appropriate ways. If your school-age child doesn't like peas, you might ask, "What vegetable would you like instead?". If your pre-schooler is not interested in eating at all, instead of arguing, consider playfully cutting a sandwich into interesting shapes to make it more appealing.
- Respond to criticism with a reasonable question. If your child tells you to stop nagging him to clean his room or take a bath, you might say, "How would you manage this yourself?".
- Take time to cool down if your child is making you angry, before trying to talk.
- Write down solutions, getting the entire family involved.
- Let your child win sometimes.
- Remember, you have the final say. You don't have to reach consensus in any negotiation. Sometimes, somebody just has to make a decision.

Source: from Scott Brown's book How to Negotiate With Kids, Even When You Think You Shouldn't.

Discuss the issues of raising children with Essential Baby members.