There's nothing us mums love more than a survey telling us how we should be doing something. And that goes double when it comes to sex.
It's that fun thing you used to do that got you into this mess in the first place.
But a recent survey of people from all around the world found that women want long-lasting, lingering sex…25 minutes and 51 seconds to be precise. (Which is incredibly specific, do you think we should be disappointed if it runs a couple of seconds over or under? Do we need a sex alarm?)
That's the time they'd like spent on actual intercourse – not including foreplay – which you'd imagine would then bump up that time considerably.
Now, clearly, this was a survey of a range of women, and I can't help but feel mothers were under-represented in these numbers because a lot of mums I know can't remember the last time their kids left them alone for 25 minutes and 51 seconds.
The study was conducted by Saucy Dates, which says a lot, I think. Busy mums generally aren't all that interested in any saucy dates, unless they're in a pudding and come with a nice butterscotch flavour and a side of vanilla ice cream. Mmmmmm, saucy dates…
I'd imagine Saucy Dates is aimed at a certain demographic that doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about soccer training, how to get poo stains out of nappies and what vegetables they should puree today.
That doesn't mean that mums aren't interested in sex, of course, it's just that we've got a lot to do, and not necessarily a whole lot of physical or mental energy with which to do it.
But Saucy Dates has put together a helpful chart to show us how men stack up compared with women's expectations – and it's overwhelmingly disappointing.
Infographic courtesy of Saucydates.com
The big problem I have with this chart, though, is that the quality of performance is measured purely in minutes worked. You and I both know some people can put in all the time in the world to a task and still not know what the hell they're doing.
Surely, not just as mums but as women, what matters to us during sex goes a whole lot further than 25 minutes and 51 seconds of random action.
If you're married to an Australian man, though, you can take heart that after he peaks in his contributions at age 31, the time he puts into sex will start to diminish rapidly, and you can get back to Netflix much faster.