I lost 25kgs, then put the weight back on - and I refuse to feel bad about that

Photo: Shutterstock
Photo: Shutterstock 

Weighing in at nearly 110 kilos I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life, including my three pregnancies.

I looked at the scales and started to cry.

I'd been here before, but this time I was determined to do something about it. And I did.

I remember it was Easter, 2017. I immediately began Intermittent Fasting – eating between 11am and 7pm each day. I cut out most white carbs, significantly reduced my alcohol intake and started walking every day.

I was putting myself first and making sure I was 100 per cent committed to my health, above everything else. It's a hard way to think when you're a mum, but it works.

Over the coming seven months, I lost 25 kilos. I was sleeping better, was lighter on my feet and felt amazing.

For the first time in ages, I could walk into most women's clothes stores and buy clothes off the rack. I didn't have to search for plus size clothes that I vaguely liked. I was embracing my own personal style again and it was awesome.

I was determined to keep slowly losing weight and then maintain my weight loss. This time I wouldn't pile it all back on.

And for a few months I did just that, until I didn't.

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Now, I'm back over 100 kilos again. My often repeated, predictable cycle of weight loss and weight gain has occurred yet again.

All those fabulous clothes sit unworn in the wardrobe and I'm back in my 'fat clothes'. Basically, I've been wearing lots of black leggings, black dresses and black tops again. Can you sense a theme?

It's like I'm trying to be invisible from the world. And in a way I am.

It's not that fun being overweight. The judgment from strangers and those I know is soul crushing. The judgment from myself is even worse.

I'm back to struggling to find clothes in shops. Sometimes I pretend I'm buying for my daughter to avoid the looks from shop attendants. I'm back to squeezing into chairs and waddle like I'm pregnant.

I know what I need to do to get back into shape, I've lost weight over-and-over again, it seems I struggle with how to maintain my weight loss. I get caught up in the work/family/life juggle. I get sick of making meals for myself separate to my family. I run out of time doing all of the things and put myself last. I stop walking. I stop obsessing about health and fitness.

At the end of the day, I put so much time into my family that I often have nothing left to give myself.

I get stressed and start comfort eat chips at night and drink too much wine. My body is either in feast or famine. It puts weight on so fast and it takes triple the time to shed the kilos.

I spend so much time focusing on being a mother, wife and employee that I forget to focus on myself. And everywhere I go I'm reminded of my failings – in every shop window, in every stranger's downward glance at my belly, in my own mind.

One thing I must stop doing is worry about what other people think of me - if they're going to judge me at my worst then they're not kind or supportive people. And we all know it's easier to change when you feel positive about yourself and you feel loved.

My first step towards self-acceptance is to stop wearing black all the time and embrace colour and joy. Just because I'm not the judgment police's ideal weight, doesn't mean I have to hide. People come in all shapes and sizes and we're all important and valuable. It's time to shine in all my wobbly glory.

I'll never be skinny. I've come to accept that. Instead, I'm going to focus on being healthy.

Luckily, I have enough resolve not to give up, no matter how hard I find it, I won't stop trying to get healthier, it's important to me and for my children.