Y

If someone won't care for your child in a way that meets their needs, then they should not care for your child at all. Pretty simple solution I would think.

Why do you continue to send him if they don't respect your wishes. First time I would be upset, second time warning and if it happened a third time, I definately wouldn't let him stay there again. Rather go for visits where you can supervise his food intake/sleep, etc.

Don't send him?

Eta - he is not even 2? That's very young to be away from his parents so much!

Stop sending him.


Honestly it is that easy.


Your job is to protect your child. If they are not looking after him properly, then dont send him.

When you go with him and she gets him incorrect or not enough food, take it off him and get him something else or supervise and intervene.

YOU are his parent. If your mum doesnt like they way you do things then thats too bad.

They dont have a RIGHT to him.

You tell them that he wont be having sleepovers any longer as they arent listening or even remotely doing what you want. You will be more than happy to bring him for visits, or they can come to you but other than that, sleepovers arent happening.


If you are sending him due to work then try other baby sitters.

easy - don't send him there...

Why is he still going there if they don't do ANYTHING the way you like? I could let the odd thing slide, but it sounds like they shouldn't be caring for him at all if he's not being fed properly(that's abuse in my book), isn't getting enough sleep and lord only knows what else.
She doesn't HAVE to have overnight visits with him, he's what, 2? My daughter's 2 and she's NEVER been away from me overnight, I'M her main caregiver, she's gone to her GP's a few times for a few hours here and there, but that's it.
I would not let my child go overnight if she was 'cared' for in such a manner. Your child, your decision.

I wouldn't send him.

Simple.

I know you enjoy the 'time out' you get when your ds is with his grandparents. But if you have serious concerns that he is not being adequately cared for (and they have no interest in changing) then the cost is too high. It sounds like it's time to stop the overnight / weekend visits. Do some harm minimisation if you need to, maybe only let him go for the day or for some of the day. But you don't sound confident that he's being well cared for - especially wrt his eating. So the visits need to stop.

ETA: *Don't* feel guilty. It is not a right for the grandparents to have weekend visits. It is a right for your ds to feel - and be - safe and properly cared for, and it's your job to make sure this happens. It's not an easy thing to do, but the right thing

If it were my son he wouldn't be going, particularly overnight.

He doesn't need to stay all weekend at less than 2 years old.

Is there a reason you are wanting him to go?

I don't think anyone here is going to say anything besides DON'T LEAVE HIM THERE! I mean really, what other response are you expecting?

This!

Why are you sending him if you are that unhappy with the care provided? I'm guessing because it is free? If so, then if you want to continue to get free child care sometimes there are some compromises you have to make. If you want things done your way, either mind your children yourself or pay someone to mind them.

I understand that you feel guilty not letting your son stay overnight - you feel bad for your mum.

I think that you need to take a step back, and consider who is the priority in your situation... your son or your parents. If it's your parents, that's ok - you know that it isn't going to harm your son long term to have a few rough nights, and he'll get back to himself after a few days... but if it's your son (and that's ok too!), then you need to step up and really lay down the law to your mum - let her know that it's your way, or not at all.

And if it means that you lose a babysitter, then I'm sure it sucks, but at least you know your son is being fed what you want him to eat, and sleeping when you want him to sleep.

I suspect if your mum knows how much it means to you, she might fall into line (at least a little)

If you have all these issues - why are you sending him there for the WHOLE weekend???

I would not be sending him there at all.

I would never let my child be cared for by someone whom I didn't think was capable of caring for them safely, regardless of who they are.
This does not mean they have to stick strictly to my routine, I think there is room for some flexibility but unless they respect a few simple requests then it is no.

Reading your post I feel so sad for your little boy. They don't look after him well, don't feed him properly and you keep sending him - really?

You need to do the best thing for your children, not for anyone else. If you need quiet time, hire a babysitter who will do as instructed and go out for dinner and a movie on a regular basis.

A nearly 2 year old would scream blue murder if all he got was a few bits of plain pasta in a bowl over a day/overnight/weekend, they must be feeding him something else.

Gastro, kids get gastro, all the time.

As for being not his usual self and disruptive, well he's a toddler. Toddlers are disruptive. You haven't sent him for nearly 4 months according to your OP, so this has not been a problem for nearly 4 months.

If you don't like it, don't send him.

The pasta was covered in pepper I think, not plain and hardly suitable for a 2yr old.

If your unhappy with how he is being cared for, don't send him.


When your going there for a meal are you able to take his?


It sounds like your not happy with how he is cared for when you send him, so why do you keep sending him?

I wouldn't be allowing any time alone with them unless they can at least stick to something resembling his usual sleep routine and provide enough food to meet his needs (whateve it is she offers). Anything less is neglectful in my opinion.

I also wouldn't be allowing them to make decisions on what he eats/does when I am there! My mum knows that I am the mother to my children. When I am around what I say goes. End of story. She asks me, for example, if they are allowed to have one of her homemade choc-chip biscuits before she even offers them around (they're delicious and I always say yes because I want to have one too, but she still asks).
When I am not around, I know that she will feed them healthy meals, plus some treats, and ensure they have enough sleep as well as lots of fun. She also knows how I discipline them and follows my lead.

I really don't think your son should be having overnight stays with them while you are feeling so uncomfortable about it.

It doesn't sound like your arrangement is because you're working and need them to look after him? In that case, I would still visit, but not leave him for extended periods if you're unhappy with how they're looking after him.

FWIW, I send food to my mums and ILs so that I know that he'll eat and that it's healthy. I wouldn't expect them to cook for DS.

I get the sense that your enjoyment of toddler free weekends is over riding your common sense here, OP.

I agree with everyone else who is saying don't send him. Just in case that message still hasn't gotten through I will go so far as to say. You are selfish if you send him there for the weekend. You are his parents, your parents have proven over and over they are incapable of meeting your sons needs to a decent standard, by sending him there unsupervised you are bordering on child abuse.

If you need a night off find someone else. Failing that tag team with you husband you have one Saturday night off he has the next and hire a babysitter to have a night off together.

Revisit overnighters with naughty nanny when he is old enough to speak up and say I'm hungry nan.

Y

Just for the record annasue, Im far from selfish!



Never wanted a toddler free weekend old bag?

Cool

You are under no obligation to send your child to stay overnight with your parents. If they way they look after him bothers you that much, I just wouldn't send him.

Ive never wanted a toddler free weekend. In fact I find in hard to leave my kids!

Ocassionaly i left them if we had to for a wedding or something.... When my kids were that young I wouldn't have left them for longer than 12-24 hours at most.

A few nights is too much for a two year old.

What sort of response did you expect, I agree with others if you are not happy with the care your mother provides why do you continue to expect her to take care of your child.

Really or is it just hard being a full time parent of 2 small children with no help?

Jeezuz.... lol.

Why do you send him there? For whos benefit? His? Obviously not, yours? Obviously not because you are stressing.

They sound like sh*t caregivers, and i wouldnt send my dog to be cared for by them.

What on earth makes you think that your son needs to be there for 3days? Is there something you havent shared?

IMO if you HAVE TO SEND HIM, pack food, a list of what times/snacks/meals he is to have, surely if its there she might make the effort. But imo i would not send him.

MY DD is nearly three and has had 2 sleepovers with my Mum, who is a loving, caring and over protective nana. She sleeps with my DD just to be careful, lol, she gives her juice and a snack if she eats her veggies.... now that pees me off but its far better than what your mum is doing.. and i still worry....

spotty.

Yep, it's hard, harder than I ever thought.

It is hard OP but you need to stop him going there without you, poor little man. It would be quite uncommon for a child that age to have extended time away from parents - why do you send him? Is it work? Do you have a partner?

Pretty hard to be 2 years old and left with negligent caregivers as well. The fact he is so unsettled on return to home just tugged my heart strings.

Absolutely no way I would be sending him. My children stay with my inlaws regularly, and DS even went interstate with them for four days at 15 months old, but my inlaws are wonderful. DP and I don't particularly need or want them to have sleepovers but the kids love going - both squeal to get cuddles first when we arrive - and my inlaws adore having them so we dont mind.

In your situation I'd be saying no way, regardless of any hurt feelings. My children's happiness and safety outweighs not hurting anyone's feelings.

This.

I don't understand why you would continue to send him if she won't care for him the way you want. I get it's tough sometimes, but unfortunately, that's kinda part of the deal abut being a parent.

Don't send him. Easy!
We don't send ours to grandparents overnight as they never do as we ask eg 3 hrs late to bed etc so they don't go. We didn't say anything we just don't send them. If we need to go somewhere they come to our place and wait until kids are asleep then grandparents stay there till we get home. When DD1 was small mum had her twice a week and it didn't go that well as every time I picked her she was so over tired as mum just didn't agree with the day sleeps. She said if she had to be home for sleeps she couldn't go anywhere. After that we put her in daycare. I said a few things to her at the time and have regretted it ever since as she didn't take it well. Mosts visits now either DH or I are home

[quote name='Natttmumm' post='14623044' date='31/05/2012, 01:19 PM']Don't send him. Easy!
We don't send ours to grandparents overnight as they never do as we ask eg 3 hrs late to bed etc so they don't go. We didn't say anything we just don't send them. If we need to go somewhere they come to our place and wait until kids are asleep then grandparents stay there till we get home. When DD1 was small mum had her twice a week and it didn't go that well as every time I picked her she was so over tired as mum just didn't agree with the day sleeps. She said if she had to be home for sleeps she couldn't go anywhere. After that we put her in daycare. I said a few things to her at the time and have regretted it ever since as she didn't take it well. Mosts visits now either DH or I are

I wont berate you....think you have had enough! However, i am glad you have made the right decision. Have an enjoyable family weekend with your 2 beautiful kids.

For the record, 2 small kids is hard as i am currently finding out. Hard, really hard especially with no support.

Thanks and you too. Berated I was, these people here don't mess around.

I understand how hard it is with grandparents. We have three sets and there are issues with them all. Bottom line is that I don't think grandparents should have to parent how we do. We are the parents, they have done their time as parents and are now there to grand parent and yes that often means later bedtimes, feeding them too many lollies etc, but honestly is it going to harm our kids? Your son is tired and cranky when he returns and I know how frustrating that is - we've been there too! But why not compromise and let him sty one night, not two?

Some of my fondest memories were of staying with my grandparents and as we are all having kids later I think we're cutting down the time our kids have with their grandparents. And While I can't comment on your relationship with your mother, as long as you are assured he is safe, is being fed (and if not then ok) then I would try talking to her again.

And don't beat yourself up, too often people on this forum view everything in black and white when there are many shades of grey.

...

You sound like my mum OP, she said it wasn't her fault because she was scared of my dad. That is why she hid in her room while he attacked me when I was 19. She said she couldn't do anything.

B##LS##T. It is the parents responsiblity to be strong and say no and leave a situation.

If your mother makes you that scared of her that you can't make healthy decisions then you need to get councelling to GET strong enough. It sounds like their are not healthy boundaries in your family that you can't say no.

I feel very sorry for your little boy. He is getting neglected with food, and your solution is to not stick up for your children.

I risked my life over and over again to get a start to life away from my family to make sure my boy did not a violent and otherwise grandfather. Find some strength or get strong, don't make excuses.

I think this is a typical EB over-reaction. The OPs grandparents aren't abusing her, Maeglyn, missing a few naps and putting pepper on pasta bows isn't the same as being attacked. Old bag, I never got the impression the OP didn't want her child for the weekend, it's more that she wanted to foster a good relationship with grandparents.

OP, I would simply sit your mum down and tell her your concerns. Pack the food you want your son to eat and give her a chance to do the right thing for a few hours one afternoon. Then extent the time if that went well, and if it doesn't, try again in a year or so when your son is more vocal about his needs.

Another who is wondering why you continue to send your baby on such long overnight stays when it is apparant to you that he is not being cared for??....

I don't think it is hard at all. My DD's grandparents (PIL) constantly pestered me into allowing DD to have sleepovers as soon as she born pretty much. My MIL even told me that I was cruel to her by not stopping breastfeeding at 6 weeks so she could have DD overnight to bond. I just ignored her & said no. I am my DDs parent so what I say goes & I have no guilty feelings about it at all.

My DD''s first sleep over was with my parents (who never pestered me for overnight stays) was when she was 18mths because DH & I had a function that we had to go to so had no other choice. DD didn't have another sleep over until she was 3.5years old. AT 4.5years now my DD has not spent more than 4 nights away from me, I don't feel comfortable with it so I say no.

Yep, as ubermum said. If you don't like how they do it, then don't let him stay there. He can visit for two hours between nap time and bedtime so they get contact with him, with no need for feeding or them enforcing a bedtime. Unless you are forced to send him due to work commitments I don't understand why you would send him and then moan about it when you know exactly what's going to happen.

Can you (as PP's have said) send him with his food all packaged in microwave safe containers with a label on each? - morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner - with times - ie: 'dinner 5.30pm, an hour before pre bed bath' etc?

Your parents obviously don't 'get' his routine nor his appetite.

If you can write it all down and say it is for THEIR benefit as well as his as "he has gone through a growth spurt" or some excuse and he NEEDS structure to help him be as sweet as he can?