Well how do you make a decision that is just so damn hard? I am sitting on the fence regarding whether to move or not.

I have reasons to stay and reasons to go. I want to make a decision soon, so that whichever way I go I can get my family settled.

Please help.....

Edited to Add: We are going to Maitland over the school holidays to visit family, and have a break, but I will be using that opportunity to look at houses etc. I would still have to give 3 weeks notice here and still have so much sorting, which I dont see the point of doing to then have to go through everything again to pack. Hence why I need to decide one way or the other quickly.

Perhaps details are needed?

What are you + and -?

With a list of pros and a list of cons - and then look at the things that are tangible and the things that you have to live with or without.

Tough one - good luck on your decisions (and hugs sorting out what goes on your list as no doubt a lot of the intangible are boxing up memories and dreams)

Sometimes the more you think things through the harder it gets and the more confused you become. I have always found my first initial response id usually the one to go with so if you were asked do you want to go or stay what would your immediate answer be?????

for every negative or reason not to do something there is also a positive so don't get caught up in all the detail. Make your decision then work through the detail using your decision as the basis eg with your mum and brother if you moved something needs to happen full stop..... Don't not move because it hasn't happened as while you are there it never will if that makes sense..
good luck

I was listening to a child psychologist on the radio yesterday talking about how important it is to be 'real' for your kids by making decisions based on what you need. Really putting yourself first.

I imagine it's a very hard decision and I think a good place to start would be thinking about you. Which scenario is going to be better for you. That's probably the best for your kids too. Everything else can be worked outso don't overcomplicate the decision with worry about the impacts on your kids and other people just yet.

answer the questions
can you afford to stay there- as things are
can you afford something else more easily ( eg is there something available thats cheaper and in as good or better an area in a good condition)
can you fit and function in the somethign cheaper
have you asked the kids if they wanna try living in a new house " i thought it wuld be really cool to think about living closer to XXX YY ZZZ - woudlnt that be great?" choose whatever they like most - school a friend a park whatever

Go PBQ. Slightly warmer climate and not so damp may see you and the kids less ill. Also, then your extended family would have to have others care for them besides you. You need to focus on you and your kids. A fresh start in a new place where you have a job and a more suitable place to live might be just the thing you need.

in all seriousness, grab a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle & write the positives of the issue on the left & the negatives on the right.

If there is someone else you can boucne the ideas off, include them in this list making as well (kids included).

All the best!

I think you've already had to make the hardest decision you could ever make PBQ (with your husbands life support) You can make this decision, you are strong and you've been proving it to yourself. Start a list of your pros and cons, not the kids just yours, yes it may be hard for them to move but kids are flexible and at the end of the day what is best for them is having a functioning, happy, stress free mum.

Good luck.

PBQ - for some reason to me this sounds like a great idea. I am guessing you do have family in the Maitland region or support people to help.

Kids can adapt.

Yes make that list - pros and cons and then sleep on it and see what answer comes to you in the morning.

I actually like this idea for you - not that I know you but I do follow your journey, the incredibly hard decisions you have had to make, and your "to do" lists.

Go for it - I just get the feeling that a new, fresh start will do you wonders.

maybe looking online at places to live might assist you in making this decision?

IT took me three years to finally make that move. In hindsight I probably could have done it a lot earlier and maybe been better off but at the time the kids and I needed the stability of being in the same place and doing the same things in the same house until we felt we could move forward.

SOme people move immediately and never look back. Some never move. Its really down to what will work for you and your family.

I know how scary and frustrating it is with all these big decisions on your shoulders, with only you to deal with the fallout if its a mistake but in the end thats what life is for us all.

Dont let anyone push you or make the decisions for you, while scary, they are your decision and your mistakes to make and even though right now you probably feel like you cant afford to make mistakes you will anyway, we all do and we live with them and learn from them and make changes to improve things.

Best wishes on your decision.

I agree with the others, try not to over think, trust how you feel. If there were no negatives, what would you choose ? Where do you want to live ?

would moving enhance you life?

does the area you are moving to offer all that you need? eg schooling, jobs, entertainment, rentals (assuming this is what you would need), public transport, infrastructure.

Is it a warmer climate? PP menitoned this, Maitland is still very cold in the winter. On this point, you could check out the whether on the BOM : http://www.bom.gov.au/ have a look to see wha the whether has been lately,

http://www.bom.gov.au/climate/averages/tab...cw_061388.shtml

(i think) this is the average whether stats for maitland for the past year

HTH

I think it would be a great way for you to break away from all the things weighing you down where you are now. From what you've told us before, that's quite a heavy load.

What do the kids think?

it's a tough call. I'm guessing you're thinking of moving for better housing options, better job options and more family support? these are all big pluses given the loss of your DH, particularly the family support (assuming it is in a positive manner)

on the other hand, there would be upheaval for your kids, and leaving the house where they last saw their dad. I don't know how long you've been where you are, and how many memories are tied up there for you and the kids, but I would imagine it's a big thing to consider.

I guess you need to work out what has the greater weight for yourself and the kids. if I was in your position I'd probably be talking to a professional about how it might impact you and the kids emotionally to leave your current home, and weigh that up against the potential improvement to lifestyle

good luck PBQ, I'm sure it's a tough decision

This is what I have come up with:

MOVING

PROS

*Cheaper Rent
*Family and Support
*New Start for me and kids
*What DH wanted
*Away from the crap happening here
*Job
*Warmer- so Less sick
*Mum having to deal with her own stuff for a change

CONS
*Leaving my Family/Friends
*Leaving the town I grew up in and have spent all my life.
*Cost of moving - quoted $3000-$4000.
*Kids changing schools/Leaving Friends (Hayley doesn't want to)
*Kids leaving the house where they last saw there dad.

I weigh things up, then usually go with my gut. Listen to your gut it knows.

You haven't included what you want Liz, where do you want to live out of the two ?

You will one day have to leave that house because you don't own it.
Hayley will be going to highschool in a year or two (?) so her friends will change anyway.

To me, it looks like the pros are winning.

That is what I can't decide, I have lived in this area for 36 years and never left.

The pros definitely outweigh the cons in my opinion. The cons all appear to be emotional ones (except of course the money to move) which hopefully in time you can all overcome. With potentially a better lifestyle in Maitland, you won't have so much time to dwell on the past. If you stay, you will never know and al the negative emotions will take longer to fade.

What would the timing of the move be ? When do you feel you need to make a decision ?

Your pros list is looking good to me! I would go. Especially if your DH wanted that anyway.

As you don't own your house, you will be leaving it at some point down the track so I certainly wouldn't be staying because of that. Take a lot of photos and the kids can make a scrapbook of memories before they leave?

Living in one area your whole life is quite amazing, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad! Time for a chance I think...

I will be looking at houses and discussing the possible job over the easter holidays, so If I put in an application wihile there, which I would have too, then should that also be approved over the same period, I would still then have to give 3 weeks notice here immediately. Then it will be a case of come back pack, sort, clean, etc etc

So really I need to make a decision soon, we are going up the Tuesday after easter, for just under 2 weeks.

With the pro-con list you've given, I'd be making the decision to move. However, your reluctance sounds like it stems from living where you currently are for a huge chunk of time (36 years in the one area is a lifetime!). The longer you live in a place, the less likely you are to want to break that connection and move, so your reluctance sounds very normal.

No move is necessarily life-long, although I do think it takes at least 2-3 years before you can say I have truly lived in a community & feel settled. So, with that in mind, I'd be inclined to say "We'll move. I will give it at least 3 years and then re-assess how my family and I have adapted to the change." That's what we did with our last move. It's been 2.5 years now and it was the right decision - although I didn't necessarily think that 9 months after we shifted. Slowly but surely, you do make new friends and build a new life.

Then again, moving doesn't scare me. To me, home is where the heart is - the rest is just geography.

Having a few doubts is common. However, if you think this will be the best move for you & the kids, then it probably is.

realistically, you could possibly buy a couple of months with a new employer, claiming circumstances and the kids schooling. I reckon with a new job, you'd easily be able to arrange that you could move in the mid-year school holidays.

Think of all possibilities, not just the worst case scenario.

I was going to buy a month anyaway with employer, but I was referring to housing

I am also worried about mum- seeing the kids, she doesn't drive nor travel well.

Another reason why I want to make a decision soon, is the kids have started both seeing a child counsellor/Psycologist and I dont want them to get to settled and then me upheave them in a few months and start again with a new one. I would rather make the decision now.

Hi, hope it is ok to post, you wouldnt "know" me in the eb sense but your moving costs seem very high. Have you inquired about getting 'back load', when a van is returning to say QLD or Maitland (or in between) with an empty load. Filling a van for a return trip is WAY cheaper for the customer. Maybe you can enquire with QLD removal companies. That is of course, if you decided to move. Wishing you the best.

That was a rough quote, they said they charge per hour for loading/unloading then the trip up and back. I was sent a moving assessment things where I have to wrtie everything down- how many boxes per room etc etc and number of stairs to get in and out of house at both ends etc.then I can get a better quote.

Cheaper rent and family support would win it for me, I'd move.

That what I was thinking. We moved a distance of approx 80km . Our contents are for a large 4 bedroom house, 2 living areas and study and lots of outside living stuff such as tables, chairs, general crap. The place is full of stuff and we had around 200 boxes (approx 150 tea chest size and 50 book box size). The place we were moving to was a nightmare in regards to access, a REALLY steep drive and the place was quite a way back from the street and the truck had to stay up on the street and the movers had to bring the whole lot down - not easy. They started at 7am and finished at 4.30pm with 3 men. It cost $1,500 and included insurance (general we did not need extra to cover antiques etc).

We have also moved locally and it cost $1000. When we got quotes (6) for the local move they ranged from $1200 variable on the actual time used if we went by a fixed per hour rate through to $5500 at a fixed cost. We took the lowest and it ended up at $1000 going on the per hour rate with 3 men. We found the more expensive rates were from people such as Grace etc and the cheaper movers were people who did not advertise on tv or hand out glossy brochures/packs or have corporate offices. So I would really look around and get a lot more quotes as $3000-$4000 is way to much for such a move. Did they understand that you were packing everything yourself and they were not packing it all up and unpacking at the other end for you?

Also I take it that you don't have a piano or billiard table as these items do cause the cost to skyrocket.

Yep they knew I was packing and the closet thing to that I have is a keyboard, which is coming in the car anyway.

its not an OTT quote. I recent paid $2,900 for a move of 15km's. They charge from the minute they leave their depot, so I was already two hours out of pocket there and for the move to be done in one day I required three men to load and unload. This was the best quote I got.

Moving away from where you grew up is hard. It's hard to make new friends, and it takes a while to get settled, that's the honest truth.
BUT, I figure you wouldn't be thinking about moving if you didn't want to. If it was a clear no, then you would have crossed it off the list already.

I know that life has been really tough for you lately, maybe this is the fresh start that you need?

If you do move, my advice is, give it your all. try hard to build new friendships, do a short course so you can meet people, or join the country womens association, sounds silly but it's great to get your feet into a community.

I have to say also this is great advice. Being on the other side of town to the school community etc I didnt realise how out of the loop we were. I am now finally getting involved in school and the local community here where I didnt have the funds to do so earlier (petrol made it a no-no) and I feel finally like I am starting to belong a bit somehwere for the first time in my life.

That is quite a lot for the 270 km or so distance. I am sure you could get it cheaper with some more time to look around.

By the way OP, it cost us that much to move with Grace from the Gold Coast to SA, so I would get another quote.

Yeah me. All you need is a normal car licence for the small ones. I could leave my kids with my inlaws up there, leave car down here at a mates house and drive the truck back and forth.

Always a lot of jobs being advertised in the area from Maitland to Newcastle - part-time/full time office and admin jobs as well as the sector you are looking at working in. Wide variety of schools/doctors/sevices/after school care etc. Not far by train to the beaches and delights of Newcastle. Definitely warmer winters than the Southern Highlands. Easy access to any shop you need. Rentals MAY be tough - only because of the mining industry - but I don't know enough about that aspect. Look into backloads or self-drive removals - the price range you were tentatively quoted is from depot and return, so will always be more expensive than the other options.
Ultimately, only you can decide what best suits your circumstances.
I'm biased, I think the Maitland area has much to offer (I was there today) and would love to move down the valley; I didn't enjoy the Southern Highlands much when I was there - but that was years ago

Just do it.
Sounds to me liike you need a fresh start, all of you.
Kids will be fine.
I have a rough idea of what's gone on in your life over the past year or more and I think you need to move forward now. Past is past. For your childrens sake it's time to move forward.
G

Whilst I agree fresh start etc sounds great, I would err on the side of staying... moving takes a lot of energy and resettling under the best of circumstances - and you are already drained etc.

Don't they say make no major decisions for 6-12 months after a death? I think when your DH's death was so sudden, and traumatic as well, that just getting by each day is the best option for now, if you can.

I know it might not be the answer you want, but for me I'd advise you to stay put and think about this later. But I don't know you, or your depths of emotional energy, so if you have "got enough" to do this, then it could be great.... but I'd worry it's too much, too soon.