GOLD!

omg it's my first gold ever!

woo hoo!

 Happy Friday everyone!

Loulla I am very happy to hear that the spotting is less again! Please stay with us as long as you like! I would love to hear from you and there ... Positive vibes in the group with sticky baby news
Thank you heaps for sending me the list of early pregnancy signs, it really helps.

And Loulla you were SO RIGHT – I couldn’t wait till Sunday. I did a test this morning. Unfortunatley that was BFN number 5 .... I really have to stop testing. I think I might have to get my DH to hide the tests somewhere where I can’t find them just so I can’t get tempted again....But off course DH is not at home so he can't stop me at the moment.

Regarding a good OB in Sydney, Julie Lukic in bondi junction is really great! She is really helpful and understanding! Her number is 0283622200

I am not sure what to feel at the moment...I so want to be pregnant but i don't think it is our month this time and I really can't imagine having to wait till next year to start trying again. It makes me sad and I am scared of having AF I am scared of getting really upset! I bought a saliva ovulation test microscope today because I think it might be more accurate then temperature...we will see not cheap those tests but hopefully it works well.

Happy thoughts and baby dust to everyone! 

This was a lengthy post via phone...will be back tomorrow from my laptop

X 

Loulla I don't see why you have to leave this group just yet. It will be nice for you to graduate into Farm Gal and co's group though! Do you have Twitter? If you want to connect on there, PM me your details.

Gah, Facebook drives me mad. So, so many ultrasound pictures. In order to get invitations to Christmas events, I am starting to use it more lately. Otherwise socially I will be in no man's land!

porkchop's mama, I understand your comments a bit. It is hard to quantify how much more pain we think we can handle. I told the GP and DH that two MC would be my limit before seeing a FS. I don't know how I came up with that, it just felt right. But I hope that I won't have to go through another one, at least not before I get my desperately wanted firstborn.

So I have seen all these ads saying it is nearly Christmas. That means only one more cycle (and one more chance) to bag that elusive pre-Christmas BFP! (Sorry to hear about your BFN MaryLou.)

A quick reply from me before I head to bed!

Loulla, glad to hear the spotting is less again. Please stick around as long as you need to. Would miss you otherwise! Despite your awesome PUHLEEEAZE it's CD1 for me. I know I'll put too much hope on this cycle, since it's the last one before Christmas, but at least it means things are back to normal.

A little weird though... This CD1 has been mega crazy heavy all day, yet now it seems to be done?! My post-D&C info sheet did say your first period could be shorter, but a single day seems too much to hope for! (Usually I'm 4 days spotting, 5 days bleeding, 4 days spotting again - a total drag!) Not complaining though - I'll take it!

Little Lion I KNOW, one more cycle... I hope we all get Christmas BFPs!

superfruity I have been SO distracted since starting TTC. I was even worse when I was pregnant, let alone having to throw a PhD into the mix! If I ever come up with any useful concentration tactics I'll be sure to pass them on. Attempting to stay away from EB for a little bit is certainly one of them, but CLEARLY not the point

PCM I do love that you say you have some optimism when you think of next year. I wish I'd found my way here in the week before my D&C, even just to read your posts! I admire you

MaryLou I love that you suggested that your DH should hide the tests!! I hope the BFN was just from testing too early though. Think you can try to hold out 'til Sunday again? Would also love to hear how your microscope goes!

AFM: I was initially a bit down that we weren't one of the lucky few to fall PG and never see AF in between, but I knew the chances were very low and I may not have even O'd then. At least now I'll be able to give the docs my LMP date when they ask! Of course now I'm pinning my hopes on this cycle, as we all do. And Christmas shouldn't come into it but I'd be completely fibbing if I said that wasn't in my head too!

Goodnight! xx.

good evening ladies!

Loulla Good luck with the bloods on Monday... and Please stay as long as you like!!!

Lou87 sorry about AF but at least you know that your body is back on track... I hope first AF wont be too wacky! and you may get a nice surprise in the new year

Wow Marylou microscope sounds complicated! thanks for the OB tip but I live on the north shore so Bondi is a bit out of the way... I also need to figure things out with the insurance first (can't afford to pay OB out of pocket) or I just ask my GP to refer me to more US/monitor my hcgs initially... Hang in there with the testing and good luck for tomorrow!

Little lion & PCM ... you guys are so strong! I can't even face the thought of another mc at the moment.. totally blocking any thoughts like that out!

AFM I think I started a therapeutic 7 days yesterday! We went for a friends birthday drinks and I was drinking for the first time since mc again... didnt get sh*tfaced but drunk enough not to care when some friends of friends talked about their babies or showed photos...
then today I wrote a goodbye letter to our wonder worm and put it together with all the other stuff I wanted to keep (BFP, us photos etc) in a nice box... everything else I threw away... I feel a lot better with everything in a special place!

I took a photo of the box for you but dont know how to upload it in here...

...Monday I will see my GP for the pathology report and to request hcg monitoring, tuesdays I'll get my hair done and on Thursday I will go see a counsellor for some coping strategies (I become easily obsessed about things and want to avoid becoming obssessed with getting pregnant or having mc...

HAppy saturday night everyone

xoxo

naaaw thanks you sweet girls

I went and had a spy in Farmgirls new group but am not ready to join yet, too early. Good news though, the spotting has completely gone and my hpt this morn was much darker. Monday's bloods will help me feel more sure that it's viable though. I am already attached to the EDD and being pregnant again and I can't help it it's scary the thought of losing another baby. The future is so unknown. Overall I feel okay but also paranoid. Weird combo. The other strange thing is it's a completely different baby. I love having a new baby growing inside, but it also sort of makes me miss the first baby. Oh my i need wine but I can't lol.

Yes Little lion FB is annoying. I still havent reactivated mine yet. Im not on Twitter either, but we can PM each other on EB and if either of us leaves then maybe by then Ill be back on FB and we can be friends there

Marylou I hope you get a bfp this cycle, or if not as soon as your next ttc cycle comes around One month is such an agonising wait, isn't it. Why were we made to only ovulate once a month, I ask, WWWWHHHHHY?!

Yes Lou it's like the only thing that heals after a MC is a bfp again, and the next cycle straight after preferably!

Superfruity, wonder worm's box sounds so very special. Our babies will always stay in our hearts and memories. What a meaningful and healing thing to do. Register for Photobucket and when you add pics, you get the code to put in EB.


xxxx

Superfruity I like your idea of the box. I have photos of my first BFP stick but that is all I felt like keeping. You just reminded me that I had some pics taken of me the day we found about about BFP. I still haven't been able to look at them because they remind me of how happy we were that day.

PCM I meant to say good news on the hcg leaving your system by now xxx

Okay hope that works... thanks for explaining Loulla!

Especially writing the letter was really cathartic...(the black thing in the photo is a US print...)

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!!!

Oh Superfruity... your box is lovely. Look at how strong that BFP was. The world can be so unfair sometimes...

Loulla - You'd BETTER stay here for a lil longer.

I've missed a lil' bit, but I just don't feel like chatting today. Last night I found out that my hubby's cousin is pregnant with twins.
It just reminds me that I'm NOT pregnant with ANY babies, and I WAS pregnant and should be around 5 months along, rather than no months along. SO I'm in a downer mood.
*sigh*
CD 10...

Superfruity your pic made me teary It's lovely, thanks for sharing.

hugs for your Fairey, it's frustrating and hurts when family members become pregnant, its too close to home. I had a woman at work announce her pregnancy to my team a few days ago- I had this current bfp but was spotting, and I couldnt even turn around to acknowledge it, i just kept looking at my computer screen. And shes not even family. Fairey plan for your next cycle, get more vitamins, buy pre-seed etc, do whatever it takes to be ready for the next one cos you might just catch that egg. Wish your cycles were shorter. Im not a Dr and dont want to promote Clomid unecessarily, but I think it helps to make cycles a more regular length? But you can only take it a few times because exposure to high levels of estrogen can equal cancer risks. Ive had a BFP on the only two times Ive tried it, but some don't. Are you taking herbs to regulate cycle? Hope you dont mind me asking about it all.

I feel very anxious today. I just read on EB of a baby dying a few hours after a full term birth. My gosh everything so scary out there. We are meant to enjoy being pregnant but I think it's a hellish ride and you relax once baby is in your arms. Im trying to breath and chill... need to think positive thoughts.

xoxoxox

Loulla - don't mind you asking me lots of questions.

Doctors didn't seem too fussed with my cycle length. And unfortunately - they are pretty regular. Just 5 weeks regular. Always ovulate around the same sort of time - days 21-24.
Have never tried clomid (and yep - know of people it's both worked for, and hasn't worked for). Not taking any herbs or anything like that, just my folic acid (and doctor said to keep taking after the mc). So actually, not doing anything too special, but hopefully losing weight will help aswell. HOPEFULLY.
Last cycle before christmas. Last cycle before first mini goal.
AND my last period started 11 11 11... SO it's gotta be good. Or something like that.

You and this baby are going to be fine (and you're only going to have to work Term 1 and 2 next year!!) Just give that bean the most serene gestation on the planet xx

Ooops Fairey, I got mixed up between irregular and long cycles, sorry! You sound all good then. So CD1 was 11/11, so you would be CD 9! Hang in there... FX FX FX sending you fat eggy love

That made me feel more relaxed just reading that little bean will be okay And yes Ive already looked at dates and because ACT, I would be leaving during Term 2 woot! After my blood test tomorrow, if it's all good Im going to fly from the nest and maybe join Farmgirl's thread. I will always pop in here though to see how everyone's going. xxxx

Fairey - grrrr. Been trying to PM you all morning but it's not working. Hope you're okay. Will try again later.

Will chat more soon to everyone.

PCM xxx

Excuse me but I'm going to use a rude acronym.

FFS.

hcg today was 116, up from 85 last week. Will 'fess up and say that more than a few of us on this thread were feeling the urge to DTD.

Bleeding has stopped.

Not sure what the plan is from here. Will let you guys know but I think I sabotage myself at times, I honestly do.

PCM xxx

Superfruity the box is so nice! Made me teary too! Such a lovely idea!

Fairy I am sorry that you are feeling down...I really hope that you are feeling better today! It is really hard when friends and family announce that they are pregnant. I hope that this cycle is going to be your cycle for a BFP! You deserve it! Crossing my fingers for you!

Oh Loulla stay away from those sad groups on EB (I looked at them once and banned my self from going there ever again) it will just make you anxious about things you shouldn’t be worrying about. I know all off us will only stop worrying when we actually hold our beautiful healthy baby in our arms but you and your little bean will be fine! I am sending you positive thoughts for a sticky, healthy baby <3 Good Luck with your blood test today!

My AF was due yesterday but I still haven’t got it but the HPT still came out negative yesterday so now I am totally confused and don’t know what is going on....My CM turned out to be an infection unfortunately. I did a little reading online and found quite a few women who’s first pregnancy sign was a y. infection but I can’t count on that due to the hormonal change in the body!

My AF is normally on time and always on CD 28 or sometimes CD 29 but I still don’t have it and it is CD 29. What would you ladies do? I am a little worried that it could be ectopic....? Would you go and see a doctor? I just don’t want to come across paranoid... Normally I get my AF in the morning when I go to the loo so I don’t think it will start today. I am not sure what to do now....wait or see a doctor?

Sorry ladies for all those questions!!!
I hope you are all having a great day even it is Monday.... heheh

Oh PCM! I am sorry to hear that!
I hope you feel better soon....our bodies can play cruel games with us.....

I hope it all goes back to normal soon!

xx

MaryLou I think I would wait a couple of days to see if af comes. I am not sure but I think you'd be getting a bfp even if it was ectopic?
Super fruity thanks for sharing that photo. It is a nice idea.
Fairey I'm sorry to hear your news. It is so tough dealing with those situations. my close friend is due in two weeks and I just don't know how I will react.
PCM that is a perplexing result. I hope things settle down soon.
AFM it is cd7 and I'm writing my first EB post from my new iPad

ETA: Loulla I forgot to mention that FB sounds good, tell me when you're back on!

Thanks for all your compliments on Wonder Worm's box...

Oh Fairey! don't get yourself down about being down.... we all have our crappy days (or a lot of them) Just think about all the BD you will do over the next week... I'm in the same boat as you with the long cycles... just annoying that we get one less chance per year to try... but keeping fingers crossed for you for a early christmas surprise...

PCM I sooo hear you!!! NO DTD sucks..Are you still waiting for the hcg to drop from the mc in October? How long has it been?
its about time my stupid spotting stopped.... if not for DTD at least I could go to the gym and get rid of some stress...

Marylou...I would wait a few more days (yeah easier said then done) but you never know what AF is really up to... how many cycles did you have after your mc? maybe they are still a little bit out of whack?!

little lion woot for ipad!

Pathology report at GP said everything was fine as mc go (no molar pregancy, tissues consistent with missed mc). I got bloods taken for hcg monitoring and can call for results this afternoon...

still spotting and to my annoyance I have now also have weird thrush like burning feeling.... I think PCM and I may be the only people in this group looking forward to AF so we can feel like we are starting new and not still dealing with the last remnants of the mc... there is nothing yet to suggest anything is nearly back to normal as my temps are also going nuts 36.2 one day 36.5 the next then back down 36.2...


back to uni work... good I need a plan to stay away from EB at least from 9-5

EDIT:

arghh some stuff just really gets me annoyed... like when I call my GP and the receptionist says she can't give me my results because the doctor is already gone and she is not allowed to look at them... the pathology person made it urgent after see saw what it was and then I can't be given a simple number over the phone and am supposed to come back later in the week...

sorry just needed to VENT...

PCM How frustrating x

Superfruity, Im totally with you - cant stand how you cant get results about your OWN body because DR isn't there ggrrrrrrr!

Little lion

MaryLou any further updates?

Well my bloods came back good, hcg went from 100 -> 970 over 5 days. Progesterone dropped though from 110 - 76. Apparently it fluctuates all the time and 76 is still good, but Im paranoid as usual! DH said it hasnt sunk in for him yet because the D&C was so recent, plus I think they need to see the swelling belly rather than hear test results. I hope we get there... Please send healthy baby growing vibes my way girls, and I am giving you big juicy egg meets sperm ASAP vibes

Kisses and hugs to my honeys oxoxoxoxoxox

Darling Loulla

Sending you all the sticky vibes I can. And I hope to never see you back in this thread again xxx

Love ya always, my sweet

Loulla - So happy for you both. Take care XXXXX

Fairey - did you get my PM? Hope you're doing okay.

AFM - need to repeat bloods in a week. Why is it that even the bad things that happen to me can't go to plan?!?!?

And on that note...

PCM xxx

Darling Loulla I share Fairey's sentiments!

Will miss you dearly but hope to never see you again here either

I was never given any hcg numbers but 100 to 970 sounds very nice indeed. Just think how those numbers are going to go bonkers from now on! All the best to you and your lovely, healthy little bean

superfruity I hope you can get those results today and aren't made to wait until later in the week! I know how annoying spotting is. When I started last week, signalling the arrival of my first AF, my previous 9 weeks of spotting totally came back to haunt me. I hope yours clears up VERY soon. I'm sure it will! I had the same thing with temps all over the place at that point too, so I didn't bother starting until it had stopped. Oh, and your box is lovely I threw out all my BFPs and deleted the couple of photos I had of them, and kind of wish I'd kept just one now of course.

little lion hooray new iPad!! I've been toying with the idea of getting one too. Not that I NEED the distraction, but I'll justify it by saying that it would actually be useful for work, especially for sharing my portfolio on the go! (Perfect justification.) CD7... How long until O time for you? Or does that just make you focus on it more!?

MaryLou it's all a waiting game isn't it? Sorry to hear about the infection - I hope that's cleared up for you now. I also hope you are able to figure out where your cycle is at too!

Fairey long cycles are a pain... I was always 34 days, but the longer I've been off the pill the more irregular they've gotten. Now I'm anywhere from 27 to 34 days, so I always get a little excited when AF doesn't show, but then find it's just a longer cycle. We really should just be able to pre-program the numbers that suit us best, yes?! (And I know, I'm trying to to think of it that way, but how can you not? ...Last cycle before Christmas...)

PCM I'm so sorry to hear that your hcg levels are messing with you. That's just not fair. I don't know anything about how hcg levels work at that stage, and if they can fluctuate a little, but I hope your next test shows that they are settling permanently. I must point out though that I adore you for pointing out that you were about to use a rude acronym

I hope I haven't missed anyone! I've got a shocking memory like that...

AFM: CD4 now. AF was super heavy for 3 days and has now dropped off to spotting. Just hope that buggers off too! I seem to O around CD18-22, right when DH will be away, but hey we can still try, you never know!

Found out on the weekend that a lovely friend is expecting #1 and we would have shared the same due date! Am very, very happy for her, and I was doing really well until the date was announced and I went into meltdown mode, but for someone who has never personally experienced a MC she has been wonderful to talk to. She's going to be amazing, but I of course can't help thinking how amazing it would have been to experience everything right along with her.

On another note, DH has been able to talk to a few guys about what happened recently too, which I'm quite relieved about. You'd all know how little women seem to talk about it in person, and I guess the men talk about their side of the experience even less! Both men that he talked to recently had been through 2 and 3 MCs with their wives, and both have little ones now, so I hope that reassured him

Lou87 I'm not sure when I'll ovulate, it is normally around day 14. So I have a big weekend coming up! Are you a graphic designer or something? (You mention a portfolio.) I'm a journalist and when not unemployed, I work with a lot of designers!

Yes the iPad is fun but ultimately I know it'll increase the number of hours I spend online, thereby decreasing the hours in the day to do other stuff. Teeheehee. I found out yesterday I didn't get that job. I'm not too worried as it wasn't perfect for me anyway.

Sorry to hear Lou that your friend has the same due date. That must be really tough. You make a good point about discovering other people's MC experiences through sharing your story. So far IRL I have only had my MIL who has been through this.

Which brings me to something I've been struggling with a bit lately. We didn't tell my immediate family about the pregnancy because my parents were overseas. I hadn't had a moment alone with my sister and had planned to tell her the week the miscarriage happened. Because my parents were away for the entire BFP and MC I haven't told them (or my sister). I feel a bit torn about it. Part of me wanted to tell them straight away because I hate feeling like I am keeping secrets. But I didn't want to drag up sad news (for me and for them I suppose). My plan now is that unless I feel the desperate urge to tell them, I will wait until the next BFP and explain it all then. Has anyone gone through a similar dilemma?

little lion - I ended up just having to tell my mum and dad when it was all happening, right from the beginning. For others, I waited until I 'had to' tell. After my SIL had her baby, when I met my friends from Perth face in Melbourne the other week.

For me, it was important to clear the air as they all knew we have been trying all this year.

HTH

PCM xxx

bye Loulla!!!

I told my mom (DH's and my families all live O/S) the day we found out we had lost wonder worm and we spoke again the day of the d&c... I knew she had a mc herself and I needed someone else than DH to talk to.. No one else around us knew... Since then I only told two other close friends... actually still deliberating if we should tell some other friends... but the more time passes after the mc the less i feel like it... maybe we will tell them with the next BFP (after we've made the save period).

will your parents be here for x-mas? How do you think you will be around them emotionally? You can still tell them I'm sure they understand why you held back when they were O/S...

sorry PCM I don't want to upset you but my hcg is down to 29 two weeks after the D&C... having another test on monday hoping for a negative then... and i feel a little bad but i played the "i just had a miscarriage" card with the receptionist and only after that did she transfer me to the practice nurse who gave me the results... (and who told me, like all the other females in health service that I talked to since the mc, that it happened to her too and that is really common... still wondering : if it is so common especially in pg1 why do we not know about it and why are all the books sugar coating it?)

take care everyone!

Hello Ladies,

AF for me today Heavy and nasty accompanied by horrible cramps and nausea!

But I have told myself that I am definitively going to see the positive in it all. It is CD 1 and this cycle is our chance to fall pregnant before xmas just like many of you other lovely ladies. I am going to be positive about it all and will put myself in a very optimistic mood and vibe.

What has actually put me in a good mood is watching Anne Geddes pregnancy TV show. Some amazing women are shown in this show and they tell their pregnancy stories. The woman on the show today was told she could never have children and ended up having two beautiful boys. It just shows you that a positive mind and optimism can get you much further then we often think. For some reason the show puts me in a very positive mood even I have tiers in my eyes and goes bums when I watch it.

Loulla we will definitively miss you but I very much hope to not see you back here in this forum.

Superfruity I would not feel guilty about telling the receptionist that. I think it is fair enough that you push a little to get your results! Good to hear that your numbers are going down.

Regarding telling the family - I ended up telling my parents in law, my parents and very close friends. It did help me a lot and just made them understand what was going on with me and it felt like a lot of pressure disappeared after that.

But I am not sure what to do if we would be super lucky and fall pregnant before xmas. Obviously I would not be drinking at xmas which would make very clear that something is up but I don't really want to tell anyone before we are in the safe zone. But I think we might have to say something....I just can't think of any good excuses. The problem is that my BIL and his wife did IVF for 10 years and didn't manage to have children so the last thing I want to tell them on xmas is that we are pregnant (if we are) as it would probably ruin their xmas which I could never do and never ever want to do!! I should probably not even think about these things till a BFP but I can't stop but think about the future and somehow I have a very positive feeling about this cycle Let's see!

Lou - thank you for your thoughts! The infection has cleared which is a relief. Thank you heaps! Looking back at my last few cycles they have actually all been around 29/30 days so a little longer then normal but that is fine. It is nice to hear that your close friend is pregnant even though it is extremely hard knowing that you would have been due on the same day! But hopefully some of her pregnancy vibes will rub off on you and you will fall pregnant very soon!! I have actually heard that is good for women who are trying to conceive to spend time with babies and pregnant women - apparently nature kicks in and it is meant to affect our hormones positively.

Big hugs too you all

Super fruity I share your annoyance at the lack of awareness about mc. My sil bought me the "what to expect" book and the section on mc is prefaced with something like "don't worry yourself by reading this section unless necessary". I felt so angry when I read that, as if what happened to us should be hush hush so as to not hurt the still-pregnant women...
Marylou sorry af is here but you're right, there's one cycle left before Xmas. Until I get a bfp I will indulge in ham and champagne!
Thanks for sharing your stories re telling family ladies.
PCM I hope your numbers look better soon.
Fairey, how are you going?
Loulla I hope it is all going beautifully!

MaryLou88 - hope today is a better day. You're one step closer to O-day!!

littlelion - absolutely, I'm doing coffee and the whole works right up until the day I have that first ultrasound....

AFM

Even the miscarriages don't go to plan. Started spotting yesterday. Trying not to freak myself out at the combination of rising hcgs and spotting. That's how it seems to be with me. Things go as well as they can in the context of losing yet another pregnancy and then BANG! another unexpexcted outcome. Trying to put it all out of my mind until the next blood test on Monday.

I'm flying out to Dubai the week after and I'm just going to get on the flight regardless. Looking forward to the time alone and away.

One of the saddest things (of many sad things) of this whole situation is the strain it puts on friendships. I know so many other women who have been on this side of the baby fence who have now crossed over to the other side. They all deserve their every happiness as new mothers. I'm inclined to leave them in their little perfect worlds until I feel that I can be a genuine friend in return.

Emotionally I just need to remove myself from the sphere of motherhood at the moment. I know that people are trying to help and listen and be supportive but I just can't bring myself to talk about what's going on right now.

Does anyone else feel this way?

PCM xxx

PCM I really hope you can set off on your holiday in the best physical state possible. You must feel like the ground keeps shifting under your feet - just when you get used to a new kind of 'normal', something else happens.

I sort of know what you mean. I am steering clear of the 'smug fertile' for now, since they only bombard me with questions about when will I have a baby! So that's a selfish reason. But I also don't need to share the sad story around, as you said, let them have their happiness. Although it seems so difficult to remove yourself from motherhood as you say, because it is everywhere in our peer groups! I only know one friend who had difficulties TTC and has since become a mother. All the others seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. But as we know, until you share your MC story, you never know how many others will confide they have a similar story.

Hi everyone,

it's getting a litte quiet around here...

PCM, a holiday sounds great! I hope you will come back relaxed and "normal"

Marylou how are you? hope AF has eased up and little... cramps & nausea with AF doesnt sound nice at all... Take care and I hear chocolate helps

Lou good to hear your DH has some male friends to talk about it.. sometimes I think my DH puts on a brave face for me but I wish he could talk to a male friend as well just to talk about rather than processing it quietly...

Little Lion & PCM, sorry to hear that all this is putting such great strains on your friendships. IT is hard to not to get jealous or angry at all these perfectly pregnant people... I'm glad that in our close circle of friends, we are about the only ones TTC, so I'm not constantly confronted by reallife babies.. they just haunt me on FB...

But Little Lion you're right... look at how little people talk about mc... so who knows who suffered one.

I'm really of two minds as far as talking about mc publically is concerned. On the one hand it is so personal and painful that you would rather not talk about it with anyone (except mayeb with someone who went through it), and on the other hand you feel so isolated because you think you are the only one it is happening too. I'm not saying it would be less painful if more people talked about it, but at least we wouldnt start out feeling like the only ones who are affected... sorry rambling again

I had my meeting with the counsellor yesterday and she was very nice and pretty much said that everything I'm experiencing I should experience becuase that is me working through the grief. But she also said she understands the financial pressure that I'm under to finish this PhD and that staring out of the window thinking about what happened for 15 minutes every other hour doesnt really help getting things done. she gave me some strategies for staying focused and I'll see her again weekly until I've submitted... hopefully by 23/12 at the latest

wish you happy BDing, or chocolate eating or holiday planning...

xo

superfruity: so glad that seeing your counsellor is working well for you and that there is a way forward.

AFM

I had another long chat with my SIL last night. She is truly a wonderful woman. Initially she rang as a heads up about the birth announcement card that our in-laws had mailed out. She just wanted to warn me the envelope was in the post and to not open it for now. That was so good of her.

Then we just talked about the feelings we've shared over recurrent miscarriages.

I've fallen into a bit of a heap again. I just can't see the end of this or that my hope (or anyone else's) will get me anywhere. I'm okay for a bit and then I just hit these bumps. I'm just finding unexpected baby news really heavy going at the moment.

I just feel I've been kicked down to the ground too many times this year. I barely dust myself off to stand and then find the ground kicked away from under me again and again and again.

It frightens me what the blood test on Monday will bring. I don't think any answer will be a complete relief if that makes sense. If it's back to zero, I'll be sad because it means I have to face another month of this h*ll. If it's slightly up again. I will have to brace myself yet again for an ectopic or miscarriage. If it's way up then whoopity do!! Yet more uncertainty.

Sorry for the downer post. :-( I am just struggling to find any of the positives that a situation this bad ought to have.

PCM xxx

OH PCM.... don't worry about being down... we all admire you sooo much for your positive outlook despite of everything that has happened this year... But we also know that no one can always be as brave as you have been!

I hope the weather change in Sydney and the sun has helped you to regain some of you positivity and I hope your trip to Dubai and the end of this year will also be cathartic and help you keep your positive attitude as you start into the new year!

Your are in my thoughts!

Take care!

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend... I indulged in some nice cold beers once the sun came out yesterday and got my first sneaky DTD since the D&C... took some convincing until DH believed spotting had really stopped and that he wouldn't hurt me (I was glad it didn't hurt because is sort of expected it to).. we used protection because I still want to wait for AF to return before we TTC again, but since spotting stopped CM has returned and is watery at the moment which might indicate O soon even though the temperatures are still all over the place (day 20 after D&C, usual cycle about 33 days)... more hcg tests tomorrow, hoping for a negative...

Unfortunately I spent most of today in front of my computer revising the methodology section of my Phd (only about 3 weeks left until submission, lots of night shifts ahead I fear!) and doing laundry... fun times

xo

Hi Everyone,

I am hoping its ok for me to join you in here. Although we're not actually ttc yet but hope to be at that stage soon.

I have been reading this thread and wanted to respond to a couple of things that I totally relate to from porkchops mama.

And also want to say a quick hello to Fairey - Thanks for the offer to join you here! Thinking of you and hope you are going ok.



Hi PCM - I didnt feel like I could read this and not reply. In answer to your question, yes, I feel that way. It is sad how hard it is to maintain relationships with people in their perfect worlds when your in this place. My sister is currently pg, due 2 weeks after we were and I feel like I have also been robbed of the opportunity to share in her happiness. I want to do it but I cant. I find it really hard to be around. Everything is still unresolved for you (as it is for us atm) and I think that makes it hard to talk about or to have the energy to have anything to give to anyone else.

I think more than anything this sums it up a lot for me too:



Im so sorry for all you have been through and I know how hard it is to keep getting back up. Sometimes I think, why even bother when Im sure Ill just take another hit.

Anyway, I know your posts werent directed at me so apologies for just jumping in. I just could relate to so much of what you were saying and have been struggling with the isolation of no one understanding what Im going through so felt the need to reply. Repeated losses are hard, there's no words to describe how hard. Im not trying to say I know exactly what your going through, because I know no one really does but I just wanted you to know that I know some of how hard it is.

I hope your blood tests dont lead to more uncertainty. We are waiting on results from genetics testing and the uncertainty is difficult. Although I know whatever happens it wont feel like good news. Thinking of you and hope you have the strength to deal with whatever the results are.


Hi to everyone in the group and I hope you dont mind me joining.

superfruity - thank you so much for your support. You and all the other ladies here have so much to deal with as well and it means alot to me that you're all able to look beyond your own worries and reach out. Thank you XXX

Isn't this weather grand!!!!!!!

*Gaia* - I am so sorry to find you here but am glad that reading over what I've written has offered some small comfort. It is hard to really talk about all this and I value being on this thread as a place to just vent sometimes.

I wish you strength for the coming months for when you're ready to officially start TTC again. This 'neither here nor there' place we're all in does take its toll. There are times when living minute to minute is as much as I can deal with.

Looking forward to catching up with you more on this thread.

AFM - where is that banging your head against a brick wall emoticon when you need it most?

Today's hcg was up, again. Not stratospheric but up. I was 115 last week and 158 this week, 7 days apart.

I have no words. Will update when we figure out what's going on....

PCM xxx

Sorry for having been so quite! There was an issue with my log in on EB and it took a while to be able to log back in. Today is the first time it is working again but now our modem at home has given up and optus can't seem to fix it gggrrr! Glad to have an iPad that works.

Poor PCM you have to deal with so much - I have been thinking about you a lot and I am hoping for you that the HCG levels get to normal very soon! So strange that they are up again! I hope you feel better soon and that you will have an answer for all this stress very very soon! I am also wishing you a fantastic holiday!

Gaia welcome to the group but sorry to hear that you have to be part of this group! Your words were so nice and understanding.

Superfruity cold beer sounds good! So nice to have the sun back in Sydney! Enjoy it while it lasts - it's meant to start raining again on wednesday I hope you will not have to do too many night shifts do finish your PhD!

I have a nasty summer cold at the moment with runny nose, sore troth and little sleep! I really hope it doesn't affect my O. We will see. CD 7 for me today and DH will finally be coming home on Friday (CD 11) I so hope my O is not going to be early. I have a question for you ladies who use OPKs which day do you normally start testing. The is instructions say CD 12 for me but is that not a little late and could you miss O if you start CD 12 in case I O early? Sorry for all those silly questions - it is all very new for me and I haven't tried these things. Sorry! I still do temp and saliva test every morning - I haven't seen any ferning as yet with the saliva test should start in a few days.

I better get back to bed and try and sleep this nasty cold off!

I hope you ladies are all doing okay!
Big hugs for you all!

Welcome Gaia and thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine my sister being pregnant and so close to my should-have-been due date.

porkchop's mama is your specialist appointment coming up soonish? I really hope you can get some answers. Not trusting your body is such a horrible limbo to be in.

MaryLou, I start using OPKs from about CD9. That's because I seem to have been ovulating early (and therefore having shorter cycles) since the miscarriage. I do wonder if that's a sign my body is not quite back to normal. Anyhow, if you use cheap OPKs like I do, there's no harm in starting early each month.

superfruity, that's good to hear your first BD went well! I can imagine it was hard mentally, worrying that it'd hurt or you'd start spotting again.

As for me, I had a BD marathon weekend! CD14 here and I think I ovulated maybe Friday, so I guess I am CD3 and in the 2WW. I'll be testing in early December.

I'm just updating the Porkchop's Mama Encyclopaedia of Early Pregnancy Loss... Having an ultrasound tomorrow morning.

Hopefully we should know pretty much straight away because the reporting radiologist is on site early.

I couldn't help but laugh.... good to see that you haven't lost your sense of humor... and don't worry about being negative.. that's what we are here for... especially to support each other during the dark moments... Hope your US tmw goes well and wont be too stressful but finally answer some of your questions...

Welcome Gaia... as the other have said... too bad it had to be here but hopefully we can help us all....

MaryLou I hope you'll get over your cold soon... My throat has been starting to hurt so I hope I haven't caught a summer cold too... Maybe it is my weird australian hay fever that only comes on during december and january... Time and Nasonex will tell...

My hcg has dropped to 13 from last week's 29 (and 4200 three weeks ago) so I will have to go back next week again, hopefully one last time... Marylou I don;t know if that was you who tested her levels with the HPT but just as a general question... will hcg need to be 0 (below 5) for the entire cycle to restart? So will I have to wait about 5+ weeks for AF from the day of D&C or from when my body is officially not pregnant anymore?!

enjoy your evening!

PCM I too smiled at your description. Best of luck for tomorrow's ultrasound.

superfruity I am no expert but I heard that a good pregnancy test like FR picks up hcg around the level of 20ml/U. (Although you can only compare this your blood test hcg level is measured in the same unit?) I used FR to confirm my levels were low enough to go ahead with TTC (though I didn't have a D&C) plus the ob said we didn't need to wait another cycle.

Well, things just get from bad, to worse, to even worse....

US looks most likely to be retained products. No ectopic.

Ever the optimist, I've decided to go back for another hcg tomorrow in the remote chance this is another viable pregnancy. But who am I trying to kid?

Looking like D&C #2 for 2011 tomorrow afternoon....

Will be back later.

PCM xxx

Am so glad I've finally been able to post! (I kept getting this message saying that new replies weren't allowed on this thread... Finally worked after DAYS!)

PCM I'm so, so sorry. This is just ridiculous. I didn't realise your hcg levels would go up for retained products. I hope tomorrow clears things up for you, and please do stay ever the optimist!

superfruity I took a couple of HPTs to see what was happening with my levels, but I never knew numbers. For me, I got a faint positive 2 weeks after the D&C, and it was negative at 3 weeks. AF only turned out to be 5 days later than my usual average. Having said that, my little one had stopped growing 4 weeks prior to the D&C, so I guess that was a lot of time for my levels to be dropping beforehand. I'm not sure exactly what levels the HPTs pick up, but I think what littlelion said might be correct!

littlelion hooray for a BD marathon! I'll be keeping an eye out for your news in early December!

Welcome Gaia. Thank you for sharing your story. Never apologise! That's what we're all here for

How is everyone else going?

AFM: CD12... Anxiously awaiting O, which will be between CD17-CD21 if my cycles are back to normal now, and that's about as normal as I get. DH is heading away for work tomorrow but hoping he is back in time to catch the end of it! A perfect way to take advantage of the "welcome home BD" that seems to have become a tradition! This would mean I'd end up testing around December 20th, so guess who just can't help wishing for a Christmas BFP? Even to the point that I've sorted out how I'd announce it to DH on Christmas morning

Where's the "off" switch for the baby-thoughts part of my brain?!

Lou87 - thank you but it is getting so hard now. I feel that I'm finally completely beaten. I am so tempted to call and cancel the appt with the FS. I am willing myself to embrace childlessness by choice. I don't think I can spend the rest of my years living like this. It would have been far kinder for me to just not get pregnant anymore than to have hope dangled in front of me like this only to have it pulled away and exchanged with more pain and uncertainty.

I know this is all emotion from the shock of today's ultrasound but I am getting very weary from it all. I am this close to giving up completely.

I will try and check in as much as I can but if anyone would like to stay in touch with twitter, please let me know via PM.

PCM xxx

Hullo darling ladies!!

I'm so so so sorry that I haven't been online lately. Our laptop shat itself and hasn't even been starting up lately. Grrr! To go with the PC that doesn't start either. Anyhoo - today it just started up today, so for a little white at least - I'm back on board!

Porkchops - Oh, darling PCM. I don't think anyone here can blame you for being so sick and tired of TTC. I wish you all the love in the world for tomorrow. I'll PM you x

little lion - Go you naughty thang with your sex-athon on the w/e! I hope that this 2ww goes super dooper quickly and that you have an actual take home baby on board. How long is your normal luteal phase? When are you testing? (Ooooh... might just be a lil excited about the possibility of you being pregnant!)

superfruity - I'm so glad to hear that you and your DH DTD again. I remember being a little nervous about it too, the first time post D&C.

Lou - I don't think there's any shame in thinking about the way that you're going to do your Christmas baby announcement for the possible maybe pregnancy that you're going to have this cycle I do the same thing alllllll the time!!! Hope you're well, hun!

MaryLou - how you going chick?! I usually start using OPKs around CD 17 or 18 (I have around a 35 day cycle). I usually O around CD 22. Last cycle I O'd CD 21 (earliest ever). I had some cheapo OPK's from pregnancy shop (I think they were from there). Though last cycle I bit the bullet and bought some FR OPK's and still had some left for this cycle.

Gaia - My lovely Gaia. I'm so glad that you decided to have a read of our lil' forum and that you joined in. More than anything - I'm so glad to hear that you hope to be ready to TTC again soon. you xxx

Well, AFM. I'm back on deck at just the right time, I think. Today is CD 19 and I got a +OPK this afternoon. I'm hoping I don't O till day 22 and that we get a few days to add to the storage collection Yesterday hubby was asleep by the time I got to bed, so day 18 didn't happen (again... we NEVER get our crap together for day 18!!)
Bizarrely, I'm more relaxed this cycle. My temps are all over the shop, and for the first time I just don't care. We missed yesterday and I just didn't care. I have no idea when weeks would 'possibly' align if we fell pregnant this cycle. And for once - I'm not too fussed to check. The power of the positive!
Sweet dreams tonight to you all xx

Oh dear I have tried twice and EB ate my post both times on the iPad. I'm trying on the PC now, fingers crossed.

hugs to you PCM. I'm only a tweet away if you need to talk.

Lou and Fairey, it is nice to have you back, damn technology eh?

Lou my luteal phase is 13 days so I'll be testing soonish. It isn't even a 2WW for me! Long cycles must suck. I haven't had those since my teenage years, pre-pill. I hope you don't miss your BD window of opportunity.

Fairey, I have been feeling a bit zen about things this cycle. Well I was a teensy bit obsessive and calculated the due date and end of first trimester, in case this is our month. Since I am not working right now, in between the endless writing of job applications (who invented selection criteria?) I have a lot of time for contemplation. So as Lou said, if anyone figures out how to turn off that clucky section of the brain, do let me know!

PCM...I still believe you are an incredibly strong and courageous person and I wish you all the best for the future, whatever you chose to do or not do... I don't have twitter but maybe we can catch up every once in a while per pm...

Sorry for everyone having technical difficulties! good to have you back...

Marylou I think I have caught the same summer cold... Annoying at least I can pump myself full of codral!! maybe the drugs will inspire me to get going on my phd... just about 3 weeks to go...


Fairey & Lou, (talking of being obsessed): I know that I don't have any say in when AF returns but I even went so far as to see when I would need AF to start so that my EDD would be on a day that has so far always brought us luck (19/10, but i have forgotten the LMP date again)... so yeah I sometimes really ask me if i'm just going crazy...

I am a bit apprehensive about getting OPKs but i am also afraid that my cycle will be all screwed up after the mc and I wont know when I O and with temping I will know only when it is too late... I was planning to do some sort of SMEP but just BD every second day from CD8 to about CD 22 (i used to O about day 19-20 on a 33 day cycle..) but now I'm not to sure about it... I feel like OPK are a bit too much? DH thinks that I'm already obsessing by writing "novels" in this forum every other day... I don't think so but have to admit EB is good phd procrastination material....

alright dinner time... gotta love a DH who cooks for you almost every day!!! today chilli con carne and roasted eggplant and fresh baguette...

Hello ladies

Well, a tiny bit of good news for me. No D&C yesterday!!!! Bloods fell and I need to repeat the hcg when I get back from holidays on December 12.

Emotionally, I've been all over the shop this week. Tired from juggling work and the uncertainty of the blood tests. Sleeping well at least.

I've been thinking alot about 2012 and what it holds for me in the TTC stakes. Having failed to ease any of the angst with positive thinking I have succumbed to cynicism. At this stage, I'm planning the year around the certainty of another 3 miscarriages which will take me to my upper limit of what I can endure until I officially give up. I think trying and failing for another year rather than giving up right now will help me accept the inevitable.

I am glad that DH and I are leaving town for Christmas. We're going to a retreat a few hours out of Sydney. I doubt that anyone pregnant or with young babies will be there at the same time so it will make it easier for me to let go and enjoy as best I can.

PCM xxx

PCM that's good to hear your numbers are dropping. Have a lovely time in Dubai!

superfruity When my husband asks, I just say "oh I'm on that baby forum" - that's enough of an answer for him. (Quite often he's on his "car forums". Hehe.) Your dinner sounds great. My husband only has about two dinners he cooks, but since he is fantastic about all the other household chores, I don't mind.

PCM - I'm glad you didn't need another D&C. Small mercies.
I'm so jealous that you're going to Dubai! One of the places that I'll get to one day! Good to hear that you have a plan in place... albeit a cynical one, but a plan nonetheless. xx

Superfruity - snap on the DH front. My hubby is all 'they don't care' 'why are you on that crap again' and 'get of essential b*tches'
Sheesh!
His wife would be a nut job if she didn't have this outlet for free counselling!!

littlelion - all I know is I'd be due in around August. Usually I'd have looked it up by now. I'm sure once I'm in the two week wait, my crazy side will take over again though!