Hi all

Just a brief history of me and my family. I am a mum to 3 children a nearly 4yr old son born early (31.3wks) after a very "long" difficult pregnancy he is doing fantastically now. And my beautiful twin girls born 05.05.05 at 34wks after an even longer and even more complicated pg. I was very glad for them to finally be born.

Our girls were born fantastically well Charlotte 2.5kgs had headbox o2 for 24hrs, and Lillian (T2) 2.3kgs, they both had the usual antibiotics, drips, ngt's but were only in the NNU at Wollongong hospital for 13days. Then they came home. I had a c-sect that was planned but was done as an emergency if that makes sense so had the recovery from that. I also had an abcess in my scar after the girls came home so was quite sick for a while. I had a blood transfusion after the birth as well as iron.

I had PND after our son and have also been put on medication this time round. This is good but also adds to my feelings of inadequacy.

I have a wonderful husband who is a great support and does what he can when he can, he is a shiftworker in Sydney (Qantas) and we live in Wollongong so he has about 1hr travelling time each way on the days he works. Soon he is due to change his roster and start doing more night shifts, the pay off will be more time off in between days at work. I also have my great parents but they live in Sydney and both work fulltime and Drew's family are local they offer a lot of support but when I ask for the help are too busy with their own families.

My girls are growing well now that they have had their reflux diagnosed, they are on formula and that is working well for us. Except for the days when I don't think I have the energy to make another bottle. But in truth I think I would struggle to produce milk for them if I had BF as I know I am not getting enough rest.

I have joined my local MBA and they are lovely unfortunately my buddy doesn't have any older children so I find that sometimes some of my issues also involve the logistics of that older or 3rd child and she can't always help there.

Ok so that is the brief rundown. I really need suggestions on how to deal with the mad couple of hours in the evening. With my hubby he is either home or not during the period I need him usually between about 4-6 or 7pm.

I know that this is the worst time of the day for most of us but how do you cope when you are home alone, have two babies screaming hysterically in rockers in front of the tv in the hope that the colour, sound and movement might distract them long enough to stop the crying. And a cyring nearly 4 yr old cause he wants his dinner, bath, drink, shoes off, I am sure that I could rattle off a whole list of things that he wants, but generally it is just a cry for attention. It is worse with him on pre-school days. I have tried picking him up earlier so I can spend more time with him before bed but that hasn't semmed to work either.

In addition to this I then get stressed at the state of the house because DS has brought every toy he owns into the lounge room, I haven't managed to cook my dinner during the day so that I only have to heat up and I am tired as I have been on the go since the grils got up in the morning anywhere from 530am onwards (luckilly they are sleeping from around 1130pm thru). So by the time the mad few hours are over it can be nearly 8pm and I have everyone in bed but haven't eaten and more than likely haven't eaten lunch either so am completely stuffed

Any suggestions would be fantastic. I have arranged for my MIL to come over one Wednesday afternoon a fortnight (the one where hubby is on nightshift). This will happen tomorrow so hopefully that will help a little. But I am not holding my breath as it will mean that the house will have to be tidier and I will have to cook a meal for her and FIL as she doesn't drive so he will drive her over. So on one hand it will be help but on the other no help at all.

I am soooo sorry this is so long I didn't realise how much I needed to get out.

Thanks for reading and replying if you can

Catherine
Mum to
Zac born 31.3wks 26/11/01
Charlotte & Lillian 34wks 05/05/05

Hi Catherine

All i can say is sit down and have a rest. I don't know how you are coping. What i do during the mad period of the evening is that we basically have a simple routine (as i work 3 days and my DP works full time). At 5pm the boys have their solids, then we have a bath together at 6pm and then they have a bottle at 6.40pm and then they go to bed at 7pm. When my DP goes away with work i struggle severely and a few times i have called a friend to come over and help me as i have been a mess.. so i seriously admire you for doing it all with a 4 year, babies with reflux and a dh who works so far away!!!

When my boys were younger i quite often would put them in their cots and close their door and walk outside to have a break, as i knew that they couldn't be hurt and knew i needed a break. Sometimes that is the best thing to do. There is no harm in a baby crying for 5 minutes.

Talk to your MIL & FIL and tell them that you can't make dinner when they come over. Can you get take away or something like that? Don't worry about cleaning up - ask your MIL to help you to do the housework. Is she helpful in that way? I am in a position where i don't have any family nearby so i know it is really tough when everyone is busy with their own lives. Just take it one day at a time and keep going!!!

Keep your chin up and come on here to chat whenever as we have all been in the same position (not with the 4 year old though!!)

Rach xx

Rach (26) & BJ (35)
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Also a tip for you on your dinner - since i didn't eat much for the first 6 weeks of my boys life as i was in the same boat - what we eat now generally is the microwave steam fresh vegies (3 mins in microwave) and then we eat frozen fish fillets or chicken fillets that you put in the oven and take about 20 mins. I know they are quite boring, but they were a life saver to us (and still are) as i don't have time to cook anything elaborate!

Also have you seen the meal bases from the supermarket? You just add chicken breasts, diced tomatoes & onion and it cooks itself pretty much. They are great. If you have a slow cooker they are great to put on first thing in the morning and are so quick to put on (as i do it of a morning between getting the boys out of bed, getting ready for work and walking out the door!!). It saves us heaps when we get home and just have to put vegies in the microwave.

Just an idea.

Rach x

Rach (26) & BJ (35)
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This message was edited by RachieD on Wednesday, 21 September 2005 @ 12:42 PM

Phew! No wonder you are tired. I find evenings difficult enough without a 4 year old and with a DH around.

I have a few suggestions, I'm not sure if they will help, but you might get some ideas.

One of the reasons the 'witching hour' is so horrible is that you, your 4 year old and your babies are SO tired by then. (As if you didn't know!) What time is the latest afternoon sleep for the babies? Could you try putting them down for a rest late afternoon (say 4-5pm)? I find this helps my girls enormously, they don't always go to sleep but when they do it is a godsend. This may give you an hour or so to spend with your son, get his dinner and maybe even your own.

Your babies probably aren't sitting up yet, but when they do, it may be an option to chuck all three kids in the bath together in the evening. My babies love the bath and it keeps them happy for an extra hour or so. You can get bath rings and various bath supports so that you only need to hold one baby at a time. We have a spa-size bath and I quite often get in with them -they love it.

Another idea is to go for a walk - put the babies in the pram, if your 4 year old has a bike, he could ride his bike alongside you and you can have a chat about his day at pre-school. Or if your PIL are up to it, get them to take your son for a walk while you see to the babies.

I know this is easy to say, hard to do, but DON'T worry about the messy house. Who cares about the ILs - get take away for dinner.

In general, just play around with your afternoon routine to try and establish the most practical routine you can.

Gotta go, babies are up!

Narelle

Hi Catherine,
Im hearing you, loud and clear. When my boys were born in January my older son was 5. Im not going to lie and say it was easy but trust me, things do get better. Can your older son help you out a bit with you bubs ?? .Like getting dummies or playing with them for 5 minutes so you can run a bath or get some bottles ready ?? DS1 started Kindy this year, so my whole day & the boys routine revolves around dropping him off & picking him up.(Eg timing of sleeps).
Ill give you my afternoon routine - this might help.

Sleep 1-2.30 ish
School run 3.00
Play time with all kids 3.15-4.00 (My older son loves this as we all play together)
Bottle 4.00 (DS1 watches ABC kids for a while and has a snack)
Dinner 4.30-5.00
Bath 5.00-5.30 (DS1 'special' job is to remember whose turn it is for first bath. Sometimes he will entertain the other one in the loungeroom, or else I will bring him in the high chair into the bathroom with me and then swap them over)
Hubby gets home about 5.45-6.00 so he plays with the boys while I get started on dinner. Dinner is normally just something quick & easy like what Rach mentioned.
Boys into bed usually about 6.30.

I know my boys are a bit older than your twins but this is working for me right now.

I remember how hard the early days were. If you ever need to talk or vent we are all here.

Mel

Sounds like it's a very hard time for you!

The only thing I can really think of is trying making your dinnertime a bit earlier in the afternoon. We still often eat at 5:30pm, just so that the girls are not too tired to eat properly & they seem much better after they have eaten.

Another thing is it possible to get dinner ready somewhere earlier in the day? I have found this to help me lots.

Sorry I'm not much help

Belinda

I don't have an older child but I couldn't read your post and not reply. I well remember the very long hours between the girls getting up from their afternoon sleep and DH getting home. I distinctly remember counting down the minutes until 6.00 (5.03 - only 57 minutes to go!) and would be beside myself if he was 5 minutes late! Poor man would walk in to find 3 crying females (me and the girls!). Things that helped us get through those early witching hours were going for a walk straight after the girls woke and sometimes for the last half hour before DH got home, I would put on Baby Mozart - they would sit in their rockers absolutely transfixed. I used to feel a mixture of relief and guilt.

Just know that you're not alone. We've all been there (with or without older children to make it more difficult) and it does get easier.

Take care of yourself and don't worry about the housework or cooking - just getting through the day is an achievement.

Maree

Eleanor 1/8/03
Harriet 1/8/03

I also couldn't read your post and not reply to you...I haven't had my twins yet but do have 4 children...What struck me most about your post was the part about your MIL..I don't mean to be rude, but will say, if they are not coming over to help then you do not need them there at all.. You need to put your babies ,DS and yourself first and not make more work for yourself..Don't be afraid to speak up and maybe suggest that your MIL bring you over one of her best meals. Let her know what a fantastic cook she is and how much you would love one of her meals...I'm sure she would be flattered and only to happy to bring you over some meals. Don't be afraid to ask for help as most people feel good about themselves when they can help others.. Don't feel as if you have failed because you need help...We all need it every now and then..And I am sure your MIL will get a kick out of feeling needed. Especially when helping with the grandchildren..
Good luck and let us know how you go...
I will probably need your help and advice in a few months....

Rachael



Mum to
Kyle (1995)
Tylah (1999)
Blake (2001)
Jaxon (2004)
<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src="http://www.tickercentral.com/view/42jy/1"></a>

This message was edited by mum2_4 on Wednesday, 21 September 2005 @ 11:52 PM

Hi all

First let me say a huge thanks to all who replied and gave me some food for thought.

Just wanted to let you know that the IL's didn't end up coming over as I went to the shops with a girlfriend and they decided to come over early to surprise me. When at the shops my girlfriend needed to BF her bub and so I realised we would be a bit late back so was trying to ring them to say delay coming over for about 1/2hr. When I finally got in touch with DH and got him to ring their mobile to find out where they were and pass on my late message (at this point still 1/2hr before they were due), it turns out they had been sitting in our drive for 1/2hr (so yes they had arrived at our place 1hr early as a "surprise" lucky me).

Their response to my DH was well she has been at the shops so she won't be stressed so she won't need our help (read very stroppy because I wasn't sitting at home waiting for them to come over) so we are going home now!!!! I was really cranky as I was the "bad" guy and I had to ring and apologise to them!!!! Even though before I went out I had made dinner (canneloni) it just needed to go in the oven and cleaned the house!!!

Some help! I rang my dad and asked if they wanted to come over for dinner but they were busy but may come down tonight. I explained what happened to Dad and his reply was you are fine when you go out it gets you out of the house that doesn't change the fact that you need an extra pair of hands at that time of night!!

So even though I had dinner cooked I still didn't get to eat until about 745pm which is a lot earlier than most nights.

In answer to someone's question about feeding Zac earlier I do this and cop a lot of flack from the IL's as all of their children eat with their children and as a family every night. We would like to do this but we have a much younger family and DH is often not home until later so I got into the habit a long time ago of feeding Zac between 5-530pm then the bath, play, story, sleep routine.

Again thanks so much for your replies.

Cath - ignore then telling you when to feed your son. When i was growing up there were four us (my sister & i were twins and the youngest) and we were always fed at around 5 because it was the easiest for mum. So do what you want - remember he is YOUR son - not your IL's!!

Rach xx

Rach (26) & BJ (35)
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Oh Cath, reading your story is like reliving the first 6 months of my babies' life.
My son was also 3 when my 2 girls were born prematurely at 31 weeks.
They both had bad reflux and colic and cried- no, screamed- from 4 till 11 pm or sometimes even 2am. I counted myself lucky if I got to sleep before midnight.
I also had postnatal depression the first time and signs of it the second time (but kept thinking 'who wouldn't be depressed in this situation?')
No family nearby, and one day I put the twins out in the garden in their pram and let them scream and called mum in desperation saying 'I can't cope anymore. I just want someone to walk past and take them away so I never have to see them again. Can you please come?' (she lives 2 hours away) and her response was "oh, sorry, I have to go out to lunch tomorrow so it probably wouldn't be worth it'. Dad said 'Now, all this negative doesn't really help you know dear'. Thanks guys.
I felt like my little boy had lost the loving Mum he knew and that in her place was a Snappy, uncaring stranger as he bore the brunt of my frustration.
I ended up one day when the 2 babies were screaming their lungs out and DS standing there screaming over them 'MUM, I'm hungry', I started punching the wall in frustration- VERY unlike me. I am such a calm, quiet person normally. I just lost the plot.
So you're not alone, I hear you. None of the settling techniques could calm my babies at that time of night.
The good news is that now (since 6 months of age) they have been a dream and motherhood is a breeze. (comparitvely). I am back to the old Mum who has time to play and read books with Scout.
So during those dreadful hours try to remember- things WILL go back to normal sooner than you realise. I thought life would never be easy again, but it is, and yours will be too.
What helped me? I went to a mother-baby unit for 2 weeks for a rest. I walked in and they took the babies and gave me a sleeping tablet and ear plugs. It was a life saver. Your MCH nurse can tell you where you could go if you felt you needed it.
The other thing was just being honest with people- saying 'I'm not coping. I need help' and to hell with what they think of you. OK, Mum wasn't great, but other people were fantastic once I was honest with them. You are in a hugely stressful situation, but no one understands what it's like unless you tell them.
Don't worry about things like not eating together or putting your son in front of endless hours of videos. It is only temporary. You WILL eat together again, just not right now.
I often put my girls in their cots (still screaming) for a while in the evening so that I could get some food for myself. You just do what you have to and it's not ideal but it doesn't matter.
What about a cleaner once a week? That also made a huge difference as I could look at the crumbs on the floor and think 'well Mary will clean that on Friday'.
My husband also works night shift and now I love it as he is here at breakfast time, sleeps during the day and then helps out at that critical dinner time before going to work. So that might work well for you.
Hang in there, my thoughts are with you. Let us know how you are going.

PS My son had a bath every 3 days for a while and the babies only every 2 days and they are no worse off- in fact his dry skin is the best it's ever been!

Mill. (mother to Scout,4, Indie and Shari born 4/11/04)

Hi Catherine, I really feel for you as you're really doing it tough at the moment. I hope you've been able to get some rest and take a break.
See how it goes with your in-laws and if you think it's going to be helpful- why not ask them to do it every week at that time. Then it will become a weekly routine. Maybe give them something specific to do each time- like bath your son or take him to a park - or whatever would give you a break. One of my friends is a grandmother who takes her grandson to the story-telling time at the library once a week and that's their special time together. Plus it gives his mum some quiet time at home with her baby.
I remember how hard it can be with baby twins. It does get better but I hope you get some support to help you.
Hope you've had a good day, take care,
Maycee

Maycee (35)
DH (33)
Twin boys (4/12/01)
DD (7/10/03)

I definately agree with feeding your son earlier. Stuff the ils!!! Do what fits in with your life. We did this (and still do some nights) and it makes so much difference to both their and our moods.

It does get better..hang in there.. you are doing an amazing job

[b]Amanda
Georgia and Kelsey 26.3.99
Piper 1.7.04

Another suggestion I just thought of - a battery operated baby swing. These were great for the nights when DH wasn't home and both babies were crying. I'd put one in the swing and cuddle the other one. If they work for you, it might be worth getting two to free up some time for your son.

Narelle