As we all know, one of the biggest no-nos of parenting is having 'favorites' ie. a favorite child. A bit of a taboo topic I know, but a tricky one to avoid for twin parents as they are the same age and therefore so easy to compare.
I have struggled with loving them equally at times, especially when time after time one screams in the cot for hours and you look over at the other and she just gives you a huge contnted smile! It is so tempting to think 'if only they could both be like ...'(insert happy baby's name here)!
I guess it will be an ongoing problem as they get older but it must be so hard if your personality clashes with one and not the other.
Also hard is when they're both crying and you can only pick one up. Which one gets left behind? I am always trying to remember which one I picked up last time. It seems that the one left in the cot gives me a really resentful glare (they're only 10 months!)
It must be very difficult to avoid some level of jealousy as they get older.
It is compounded by people on the street who always say 'oh, she is the happy one and she is the serious one'. I know they can't understand now, but if I were the 'serious one' having that said over and over would really s**t me!
Other than the obvious stuff like trying to give them equal time etc., does anyone have any ideas/ general thoughts on all this?
Mill
(mother to Scout,4, Indie and shari, 10 mths.

[color=Teal]I can honestly say that neither DH or I have a favourite. They're both such different little people and both have their own good and bad days.

As for worrying about which one should be picked up or given attention too first if they're upset etc, I just get to whichever one is closest first! I certainly don't beat myself up worrying about things like that. They both get their fair share of attention! ;p

Vanessa

Dont worry too much... i think my favourite is the one thats sleeping peacefully!!! I found my feelings fluctuated between the girls constantly for the first year or so. Olivia was a bit sick at birth and smaller so I found even in hospital deciding who would get my small amounts of colostrum was a hard decision. You always feel like someone misses out.
My girls are 2 now and it's more like "who's our favourite parent" they are quite decisive as to who they want to help them with their daily things. Particularly if they've been naughty during the day for me the attention Daddy gets when he comes home is unbelievable.
I still dislike people comparing so if they ask who's the dominant/clever/outgoing I always say neither they are completely different kids.

Rebecca 32
Nathan 28
Fraternal twin girls Amber & Olivia 08/05/03

Hi there, neither of ours is a favorite, they have their own little personalities, which make them an individual, as a single child is. Please don't worry about it too much I’m sure they know you love them just as equal. As for dealing with two crying babies, I don't really have that problem, Jarrod is the laid back one who hardly cries & Korbin is the attention seeker. :)Someone else maybe able to help you out there. Enjoy your little ones..

Hi Mill, GOOD ON YOU!! for raising a dificult issue. I have had many 'motherguilt' moments when I've felt one of the girls(18mts old)has been an angel and the other the being the 'evil twin'. We now just joke about who is evil and acknowledge that at those times you don't feel as bonded as you think your suppossed to be!! Its normal and OK! I think they must discuss it betweem themselves because they do alternate (sometimes it feels more like one for longer though and then you worry about neglecting the other........twins are really challenging!! (for us anyway!)
I feel you've added a bid dose of reality to our discussion about twins and lets keep raising awkward that challenge us as mothers/parents, cheers Caroline

Oh yes! I have favourites. It really depends on the stages they are going through and who is being the most difficult. I feel guilty for favouring one over the other at times, but I think it is human nature that it is impossible to not have a favourite when one is throwing the world's most monumental public tantie, and the other is walking holding your hand, being as sweet as pie ...

I have favourites for about 2 hours out of each day, I would estimate!

Thank you for your thoughts!
Vanessa, Rebecca, Jennifer, I am sure you are right and I probably just need to chill out and go with the flow a bit more.
Caroline and Jo, I am relieved that I am not the only one who gets concerned about these things.
Just thought I'd throw a curly one in there to see what people thought!
Mill

This is a hard one I think...

I am sure you love both your bubs the same amount (ie- lots and lots and lots) but in different ways and ofcourse your feelings will change and fluctate over time. Since they are individuals with different personalities like anyone else you will love different things about each one...

For me it changes over time and I sometimes find myself feeling like I am 'getting along better' or conecting better with one of my girls and not so much with the other and I think that's often when one is going through a difficult stage of development or whatever. And like Caroline my girls seems to swap and change every day so it all evens out in the end. And I definitely love different things about them both - I love Izzy's wild sense of humour and that Zoe is so wicked sometimes. They are different and getting more and more different everyday so ofcours I love them in different ways.

I do have lots of guilt about whether or not I am treating them equally but I try to remind myself that they are not exactly the same so they don't need or want to be treated exactly the same. But that doesn't stop the guilt somedays!

As for people comparing them... it's the comparison that is the problem. If they simply pointed out a wonderful trait of each child it wouldn't bother me but the fact that everyone want's to know who is better drives me nuts! Neither of my girls are happier, more dominant, stronger or healthier... they are just different!

Kate



We are moving house! Yipee!!

I think that having multiples just concentrates the issue which all parents with more than 1 child have of how to be "fair" to all of them. I've asked my Mum about this (I'm one of five). She said that she loves us all "equally - but not the same". So the amount of love she feels is the same but there are different things which she loves about each of us (on top of the instinctive bond).



Maree

Eleanor 1/8/03
Harriet 1/8/03