I (we, the family) lost my brother to cancer coming on 7 years ago. It seems like yesterday in so many ways and seem like forever since he was with us in so many other ways. He was a really big part of my life, our lives, full of joy, excitement and he was amazing and I miss him every day .My parents are in pain every day and I bloody hate it.

I don’t talk about him a lot really, I do with Mum and Dad (all sorts of things) and I do with my DH (who never met him) mostly the wonderful memories, DH is great, he is very supportive he will pull out a photo album and get me to talk about my great memories.

Yesterday a somewhat recent acquaintance (I’ve known her 12 months, her DH works with my DH- in a small business/start-up sort of thing) we have had coffee together one-on-one 6-8 times plus several “work” dinners and a couple business/pleasure weekends away.

We had coffee yesterday and she asked about my siblings I said ‘there is just me, my brother passed away’ her response was ‘I would kill myself if my brother or sister died’ I just didn’t know what to say so I said ‘It was a very difficult time and many days are still upsetting’ shes asked his name, I told her it, her response was (I have twin boys born after my brother passed) “why didn’t you name one of your sons after him?” I was a bit shocked, I said “well for us it didn’t seem right” – I’m not sure if that is what I really meant the real reason is that I felt having a child named after my brother would be too upsetting to me every day and also for my parents. She then went really quiet and said nothing else except “Why did you never tell me about this" (before I could answer) she said “I have to go”.

She isn’t a bad person, she has been kind to me in the past but I feel upset about it all. I think maybe something bad happened to her but at the same time when I come across someone who has had a loss (not saying I’m perfect or anything – far from it) I react differently and I try and be gentle. I just feel upset.

My DH is away until tomorrow night and I’m feeling upset about the whole interaction. I went in for a cuddle with my boys but they (why will you sleep tonight and not other nights!!! FYI we are in North America so it's the early hours of the morning right now) are both sound asleep and flail like their Dad so Mummy is not welcome.

I don’t know if this is a vent, a what should I do now? Or something else I’m just unsettled. I also don't want to come off irrationally when I see her next.

I am sorry you had such a bad experience.

If the person is normally a kind nice person perhaps she was just suffering from major foot in mouth disease.

I have done this in the past and wanted to absolutely dig a hole and crawl into it but didn't want to continue to make things worse by apologising.


So sorry for your loss.

Her comments were insensitive but it sounds like she didn't really know what to say. You are probably right in that something may have happened to her that she was reminded of. Maybe next time you see her you can gently bring it up.
Hope you get your hugs from your boys soon and that you are feeling better.

While I understand that her comments are unsettling, I think that maybe she was trying to express sympathy & empathy with the degree of loss you're feeling.

Re: the naming thing, I don't know - my Dad died 8 weeks before DS1 was born so DS1 has his Grandpa's middle name as his middle name, just as DD has my late Mother's middle name as her middle name.

Hi OP

I'm so sorry for your lost. My Dad died 3 months ago and it is awful. Some days all I seem to do is cry.

I don't believe your "friend" deliberately meant to be insensitive. I think she just said the very first things that popped into her head and probably didn't realise how upsetting it would be for you.

As for naming your children, that's totally up to you and your DH.

Best wishes.

hugs to you. It took me a good 10 years to start to heal after losing my mother in a particularly terrible way, and I really feel for you.

People who haven't lost anyone close to them really don't, and can't, understand. Usually they simply don't know what to say. This silly woman has stumbled her way through a conversation that took an unexpected turn without a clue that she was being offensive- but that gives you a bit of a clue as to her character. She couldn't talk about your pain without talking about herself; she couldn't think about your reactions to your pain without resorting to the cliche (probably something she saw in a movie) of naming your baby after your lost brother, and she couldn't restrain her invasive curiosity about why you hadn't done that. (Which is really none of her business.)

Pain makes us evolve as humans. It gives us a new depth and an empathy for others who have suffered. Your 'friend' has not evolved yet; that's not her fault, but you are busy grieving and you shouldn't have to deal with this problem. One of the things that holds my relationship with my partner together so strongly is that he has suffered deeply too, having lost his soul mate to cancer before he met me. You need to be with people who understand.

So sadly, I think that she qualifies as an acquaintance, not a friend. You can't really get close to someone who is as clumsy as that with your deepest feelings- it will be too painful, and while you recover from your loss you don't need to be stressing about how to handle encounters with this person. So unless there is some very good reason for you to want to keep trying to get close to her, I would take a step back from this relationship and be less available for social tete-a-tetes with her.

In our life we are lucky if we can count our true friends on one hand; the death of my mother, who was my mentor and guide, proved to me who my true friends were. It really sorts people out. In the end, this turns out to be a good thing. I now know who I can trust.

Are there some other friends in your life who can handle talking about your brother without hurting you? I really hope so. These are the people you need to socialise with while you heal.

As someone who lost a sibling to suicide, I would have struggled not to slap her with the "I would have killed myself" comment (I've heard it from people after my brother died KNOWING the circumstances and it's sh*ts me). That is for my circumstance though so I have no idea what to say to someone who pops out with that when you've lost someone dear another way (cancer, car accident, etc.)

Honestly, most people don't know what to say. Sometimes they open their mouths and stupid things come out, sometimes they say nothing and it hurts just as much.

If it's something you want to discuss further with her then gently bring it up again. Try not to be too harsh on her for her reaction as she may have something going on you don't know about, or she may have never been around loss to know the right thing to say.

Thank you all for your words. As I said don’t think she was meaning to be unkind/upsetting – it just sort of hit a nerve with me.

Aunt Annie – your post was amazing. I will reply to you in more depth after I get some sleep and take a picnic breakfast in the park with my boys however your words have resonated and won’t be forgotten.

Feel free to PM me anytime. It might sound odd to you while your pain is still so fresh, but using what I've learnt from the pain of losing my mother somehow helps me to makes sense of her death. So you see, it's no inconvenience to me to talk to you- far from it.

Wow, this is so true! I lost most of my friends when my mum died. They just didn't know what to say to me, and i did not feel up to holding their hand through my grief. She had a terrible illness, and i nursed her for 18 mths before she finally passed. Later that year We lost our baby girl to preg complications, so those that remained friends scattered. I think they thought it was catching. I have 1 left now my SIL. She is and always will be my rock.
Do any of you feel like you are always apologising for having had a loss? I find i do it all the time, or saying oh its ok, don't worry. I hate that, but the uncomfortable blank stare you usually get is worse, so i tell them its fine etc.
I'm sorry for your loss, and i am glad that you have so many happy memories, and that your hubby is such a great guy. Big hugs for you

I lost someone very special, who I intended on marrying this year, one year ago (his funeral was a year ago last Monday). I also lost many babies after doing ivf (and my marriage ended with these failures).
People say the most insensitive, careless things I can ever imagine.
One day, I was with a close girlfriend, just weeks after the death and I was crying during music she had playing. She asked me what was up, and I said I was thinking of 'F'. Her response?? 'Oh, well, it wasn't meant to be'. Can you imagine it? I was annoyed so I spoke up and said 'Except that it was!'. I know and he knew we should have been together and always should have.
Another from a relative..when telling her how difficult it all was to cope with, turned my mention of not being a mother and miscarrying into 'oh, if one of my sons died, I don't know how I'd cope. I'd go crazy'. She's a mother of four, so I pointedly told her that she hadn't lost any children, that I had and she didn't need to worry about it, because it hadn't happened to her. And then she continued...'maybe some day, you'll meet a nice man'. Hmm. I showed her a photo of my man and said 'this is the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The last thing you say to a grieving person, is 'maybe some day someone else will come along. Nothing is more insulting'.
It's hard to believe how rude people can be. These things are the last I could ever say when someone tells me something so painful! The best advice is, when you are faced with someone so careless, say what is on your mind. I've learnt you can be too polite when others aren't being so nice. Sorry for your loss.