I never thought I would come into this part of EB but here I am.

I need some advice.

My friends little baby passed away this morning, he was 2 weeks old, but only 30 weeks gestation.

I visited them on Tuesday and he was doing ok, but had NEC complications yesterday and didn't make it, such a shock. I've been down the premmie road but I haven't dealt with the loss of a baby before. We had a great chat on Tuesday and she was so grateful to talk to me because I had been there, I told her it would be a very long road but they would be fine, and now I just feel horrible because my little guy is here with us, and hers is not.

I make beautiful name cushions and was in the middle of making one for him, my question is, do I still make one? or is that insensitive?

I just don't want to do the wrong thing and make things worse for her. But I don't want to not acknowledge him either and she would have known I was making him a cushion anyway.

Sorry I am rambling now, I just don't know what to do.

Oh no, your poor friend, and poor you too.

I have no real suggestions, but your friend will be in my prayers tonight.

I would ask her what she wants you to do and how she wants you to support her. Everyone reacts differently and you can't predict how you'll react in advance. She may want your presence or it may be too painful for a while as you have a surviving prem.

I'd let her know you were making the cushion and ask her whether she would like it. I'd finish the cushion no matter what and if she doesn't want it yet just keep it safely for a while. She may change her mind later and you can give it to her then.

Big hugs to both of you

I am so sorry your friends son has become an angel.

I would definetely still make the cushion for her, every memory and every item she recives of her son with become very precious to her and her partner. It will also give your friend something to hug and feel close to her boy.

All you can do is be there for her, listen to rambling and repeating the same thing over and over again, suppot her now and more importantly in the months ahead when she really does hit rock bottom and everone is moving in there lives but she hasn't.

If you know her due date please remember that as well, it will be a tough day for her.

So sorry for your friends loss. I would continue to make the cushion and then tell your friend you have done so and would she like it. If she says no hang on to it as she may just change her mind, after all he was with her for 2 weeks any reminder could be beautiful.

So sorry for your friends loss. It is so heartbreaking. I also think you should give the cushion. It will be a beautiful gift and keep sake for her.
I agree with pp,dates are very very tough. And I also find the lead up to special dates very hard.
Wishing you all the strength you need to be there for her. I can imagine it is really hard for you too
Take care
K

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss.

I'm so sorry to hear of your friends loss, she will be in my prayers tonight. I also wish you strength to help her through this sad journey.

The name cushion sounds like a beautiful gift, whether she wants it now or later.

Hi LittleStar,

As a father who lost a baby 2.5 years ago, I can only tell you the experience of my wife and myself. If it was us, we would love the name cushion. It is so important to parents that have lost babies that people acknowledge that the baby did exist and to use the babies name. From our experience it appears that grieving parents are allowed around 6 weeks and then the world expects you to move on. As you said, it is a very long road.

My advice would be to give the name cushion. I have no doubt that your friend will cry when you give it to her and may get very upset. However, don't think that the reaction is in anyway a bad thing or think that you have done the wrong thing. In our experience people stopped talking about our daughter, thinking that they were in some way helping us by not upsetting us. In reality though when people stop using your child's name it is very hurtful and makes the grief harder to handle.

Everyone's grief is different, but in my opinion I would give the cushion to your friend.

I hope that is of some help.

HappyDad.

I am so sorry for you and for your friends loss. Having worked in a NICU, I feel that you should definitely continue with the cushion that you are working on. The best thing is to recognise this little bubba. Sometimes the hardest thing to say is that you dont know what to say, but to aknowledge her baby and her loss.

My thoughts and condolences to you all...

I'm so sorry that another little one has had to leave too soon ...

Yes, make the cushion. It will be something that symbolises love, expectation, hope and acknowledgement of his existence in a world that now feels pretty empty.

She will need you. Do not be afraid to speak his name. Talk of how gorgeous he was and how privileged you felt to have met him. Keep listening for a very long time. She may seem to be coping now, but I found that 3 years down the track has been harder than the very beginning - it's individual and different on every grief journey.

Definitely make the cushion. We lost our first son who was also a 30 weeker, to NEC, when he was 9 days old.

I knew people had bought/made things for him/us and I definitely still wanted them all. They are beautiful memories. Your friend will cry when she receives your cushion, but it will be a treasured memory for her.

Im sorry to hear of your friends loss. I lost my son in NICU at 11 days old. The fact that you were making the cushion for him is so nice and please finish making it and give it to her. This is far from insensitive and she will cherish the cushion. Trust me. Anylittle gift or card received esp. made or given while he was alive helps make it real as time passes.

Thank you so so much to all that replied, especially those who have sadly lost their own babies, my heart has truly broken for you all, I can't even imagine. It's just not fair.

I knew it was the right thing to continue making the cushion, I just wasn't 'sure' iykwim.

Thank you again.