I really need some advice. My marriage ended 15 months ago, it was a truly terrible marriage. I have recently found out that my husband ( we are not divorced yet) has been having a great time with friends and seeing other women. I feel so alone and completely abandoned, we left Sydney 4 years ago and moved to a country town. I love living in the country but I left all of my friends behind and have none here. It feels completely unfair that after the years of hell he put me through that he is living the life of Riley and seems to have it all. I hate him for everything he ever did or said to me throughout our marriage. I want to forgive him and finally move on but I don't know how to. The thing is I feel I need to because it is eating me up inside, and until I do I don't think I will find happiness. How do I possibly forgive someone who has been so terrible to me? He didn't just leave me, he left our 3 children too. I have cried and prayed about this but just don't know if I'm able to truly forgive him. Has anyone else forgiven someone for their actions and moved on? How did you do it? I need some inner peace.

I just wanted to send you a big hug.

I think that sometimes forgiveness only comes with time, maybe this pain is all still too fresh to you?

And even then, often we can only hand it over to God and ask for the strength to get through things and eventually get to the point when we can feel we can forgive. It is hard when you are still feeling very strong emotions and grief about it, you may not even be ready to truly forgive.

I know that you already realise the difference between forgiving the person as opposed to forgiving what they did..

I really hope you find the way to move on, I really admire that you are looking for the best way for you. It sure isn't the easiest way!

God bless, wishing you his peace.

I don't have the answers for you, I'm sorry Berrie.
I just wanted to post and let you know you are not alone in struggling with this issue. I'm still with my husband and intend to work through it and stay together - but I cannot work out how to forgive him and let go of the past and all the hurt it contains.

I heard a counsellor/speaker talk about how sometimes you can ACT forgiveness before you feel it. So you stop dwelling on and thinking negatively about the person you are forgiving and act as if it IS forgiven. I suppose this means treating the person who hurt you with civility and no longer brewing hatred towards them. He said that at some stage, the feelings of forgiveness will come ... AFTER the acts have started. Does that make sense?
I cannot tell you if it works, but it's one piece of advice I've heard that stuck with me.

I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way. Please remember you are not alone, and that forgiveness is not always easily given - it can be a journey moreso than a single act.

I just wanted to wish you all the best too - sorry for all you're going through, it must be so hard.

I often struggle with the concept of forgiveness when the other person seems unrepentant and is continuing to hurt you through their actions... How can you wish someone well in that situation? So hard!

But I have to remind myself that God forgives us in EXACTLY that situation. We reject him every day, we turn away from him and do things that are against him, and often remain unrepentant. But He forgives us. Amazing....

I agree with what Beth says - don't expect too much of yourself to soon. Maybe you can spend some time just focusing on growing closer to God and in that way he might find a way to heal you that you hadn't expected - and through that healing you may be able to forgive? Baby steps....

Thankyou for your replies, I am in emotional turmoil at the moment. He led me along for a long time during the past year, I thought we might have been able to work things out but it seems he was wanting the best of both worlds ie: family time and single life. I have just found out what he has really been up to and it hurts terribly. He is not a christian and so we are complete opposites. I am not wanting him back, I have accepted that our 13 year marriage is well and truly over, I just feel hard done by. I am a very faithfull, loving and giving person and he took advantage of that, he is completely different around other people. They feel so sorry for him but don't really know what he is like. I need to forgive him because I don't want the burden of all of this pain, I want some happiness. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. I should be working on an essay at the moment, I started university last year after he left me, but I can't seem to focus.

Thankyou so much for your kind words, I really need that at the moment. Loneliness is a terrible thing.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I really think that you have made the first step, you want to forgive him. Your will is what you can control, your feelings should follow in time.

You are in effect picking up your yoke and following Christ and He will give you rest. I always found that passage hard to understand until I realised that sometimes the act of shouldering the 'yoke' was for me, choosing to travel through the burden of pain, emotional or physical, accepting it and continuing on, choosing to forgive through the hurt. It is sometimes the cross we must carry, it's a Catholic take on it, but in uniting our own suffering/pain/anger etc with Christs cross we are living our own Calvary, and He promises us ou 'rest'!

I pray you can find joy in your sadness and hurt. Experience has shown me that the joy that you find there can be greater than the joy of good times.

Hi again, I was lying in bed last night, thinking about your situation, and feeling so sad for you.

I really just feel that you are so much on the right path, in simply having that desire to forgive your husband. God promises to bless us when we seek Him, and I can see that that is exactly what you are doing. He loves you, and feels (and wants to carry) your burden.

I think you should take time for yourself, even put aside the forgiveness issue for now, and just let God seep into your thoughts, feelings, emotions about all this.

We are human and therefore so fragile and weak, and God can do what we cannot.

I hope you are doing OK, please feel free to PM if you like.

Oh Berrie,

Your post really touched my heart too. How hard it is to forgive someone who has hurt you through and through. I had a similar situation where I found it just too hard to forgive someone who had hurt me but I saw a program on Oprah of all shows and there was a woman there whose husband had done some horrendous things to her and her children and she said "I couldn't go there. It was too hard. So whenever it became too big for me I just laid it at the feet of Jesus and left it with him". So now when things get too big for me to handle I try to do that, just tell God that it is too big and here is the problem for him to work things out. It really did help me as I was able to stop mulling things over in my head constantly and let God take care of it instead.

Just a suggestion. We each have our own journey of healing. I'll be praying for you Berrie.

That is beautiful Hoover Damsel, thank you for posting.

How wonderful that Jesus will deal with what we cannot.. all He asks is that we believe and trust.

Berrie, I hope you are doing OK. I tried to PM you, but not sure if it went through, I have had some problems with PMs..

Am really sorry to hear this Berrie. Each situation is different and the problems sometimes do seem insurmountable. Don't beat yourself up with how you should be feeling or what you should be doing.....sounds like you might just need sometime to feel loved and cherished. Try and surround yourself with those that really love and care for you.

I don't know if you have read "The Shack", but that is a powerful book that deals with forgiveness and describes more of how we were intended to be relationship with God and other people.

*hugs*

Im really sorry that you are going through this but you are a strong person now by just admitting you need to feel forgiveness so you can move on. You have started the process.

I didnt go through what you have but i read a book called Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable by Lillian Glass. I read it because i used to attract alot of negative people. After reading the book it help my life in more ways then i thought especially realising that my family were at time toxic throughout my life.

You may read it and it might not help you at all but just saying that i found the book to be helping in ways that changed my outlook on life.

I read alot of other self help books too, some good and some not so but even if i took bits and pieces out of each one it definitely helped me.

I'm so sorry that you are having to wrestle with this. There are a lot of wise women on this thread, and I'm sure that you will be able to take something away.
Forgivness is so hard. Such a struggle. I guess that is what makes it so important!

Thankyou ladies for all of your well wishes. I have taken the advice of several of you and have handed it over to the Lord, I can't do it on my own. I am feeling such a sense of relief already. I think my journey to forgiveness has begun. I don't expect it to happen overnight, I am taking baby steps and just being kind to myself. Thankyou everyone, I really appreciate it.

HI OP... I have just come across this thread and I am so glad you seem to have started your journey to forgiveness. I just wanted to add that one thing that has really helped me forgive some awful hurts from people who show no remorse whatsoever and continue to hurt me is to try not to let myself wallow because that breeds bitterness. When I started thinking about these people I would instead pray for them. It was SO hard. I didnt want to pray for them. Well I wanted to pray, God give them what they deserve, but not, God forgive them and bless them. But I tried really hard to keep doing this and it really helped.
I will warn you that it took years and what they did to me has nothing on what your Husband did to you so dont be too hard on yourself and give it time. Unfortunately forgiveness isnt a one time thing. You will probably find yourself forgiving him every day for a long time. Our forgiveness isnt quite like God's in that forgiven=forgotten. If only it were!
All the best OP and I pray it gets easier very soon...