Hi

DS2 has never been a mummy's boy. Not that that matters really. But he can be so nasty to me. Not to DH- hardly ever. He loves his dad. According to DS he's "dad's friend". But he says "I'm not your friend mum!" And he really means it. I am quite firm with him as a sahm- not too firm but I do try and be consistent. I am the one who never has the time to play with him like dad does. He attends one day a week of childcare- it's hell if I pick him up (instead of his dad). One day he refused to come home with me from childcare because I picked him up. I felt terrible.

He often spits (raspberry-style) at me, attempts to hit me, screams at me, growls at me (talking in an angry voice), snubs me (turns his head away when I ask him to look at me with arms crossed across his chest). He runs off at me when he knows he's misbehaved. He hides from me, locks me out of the house, doesn't listen to me, doesn't look at me when I talk to him, is generaly just silly at other times but yet he is mainly good with his father.

I'll say "I Love you". He'll just spit at me! Or growl. I don't expect him to say it back - or even react with a cuddle - though that would be nice. However, I really would like the nastiness to stop.

He is a very independent and serious young boy with a lot of potential. Is anyone else's child like this or am I alone? What can I do to stop this? DS1 was also a daddy's boy- but never was his behaviour like this. What have I done wrong?

At least dd is mummy's girl- she kinda makes up for him. Still makes me very sad. I know I shouldn't let it get me down but it does

Edited- he is 4, not 3 as I originally put in the title!

Maybe talk to your husband about making some mummy and son time with hm so that you get to be the fun one a bit more.

I think a firmer stand is required here. He is manipulating you.
How is your DH with you? Affectionate? Not so much? How does he respond to your DS when he is being nasty?

OP, one think known about kids before the age of three (ok, one thing a pead told me) is that the safer a child feels with you then the safer they feel to play up on you.

I would not have called my son a mummy's boy at that age. He hit, bit, pinched and basically beat me up every day. No one else. I copped everything.

Then I was hospitalised for one night and you would have thought his world collapsed (which is when the pead said what he did above). Then he went back to beating me up.

At about 3 things changed. And now at 4 he's my shadow, my huggy bear. He's my boy and won't have a bar of his father.

My daughter can be like this with my husband and it really hurts his feelings too. I have no idea why as he he such a loving, caring dad who spends time with her playing with toys etc.

But I figured it was coz she is use to me as I am always home with her when he works so not sure, sorry!

DS was always a mummy's boy. Loved Daddy too of course but it was Mummy who had to do EVERYTHING for him.

Then i had DD and she decided from the start she wasn't a huge Daddy fan so that meant i spent most of my time with her as she would scream if Daddy had her.. she is still the same now at 18 months. Squeals the hosue down for Mummy bless her...

So just after DD was born DS spent a lot of time with DS so they became little buddies and for about 9 months or so while i was busy with DD, DS wanted Daddy to do everything for him, read his bedtime story, prepare his food and get him in and out of the car...

It kind of made me sad, i missed my little man, so when DD was around the year mark i made an effort to spend lots of time with just DS.

Now a few months on again and DS is back to being Mummy's boy, i also have DD who is a Mummy's girl too so thats fun! But its nice because that bit of time that DS had as a Daddy's boy made the 2 of them closer - so now he is mostly for Mummy but he will let DH read his bedtime book...even though he does as me to read it first he will happily let Daddy read it if i ask...

So its worked out quite well. But i would certainly be spending lots of time with DS. I took DS to the movies and i spent lots of one on one time over the summer in the pool swimming with him while DD was having her day naps - just found lots of things to do with him one on one.. we went to see the Wiggles and Playshcool, just the 2 of us.

I think when you DS does things like spit at you etc your DH should also tell him thats not on - so he çan see its really not allowed to happen.

Plus lots of 1 on 1 time if you can with him.

DS (nearly 4) will choose DP over me 9/10 times, but he isn't horrible to me like that. He does occasionally tell me 'go away mum' when he's playing with DP, but otherwise he's polite to me.

I think he's playing you, he knows it hurts and knows he can get away with it. You need to stamp out the behaviour - what do you do when he talks to you like that/spits at you?

Also, make time to have fun with just him. Let him see you are not the mean, boring one.

Sounds like something your DH can help with. I'd be getting DH to have lots of 'pro-Mummy' chats and activities with DS. Like getting up together on Saturday to make you breakfast in bed, and articulate the fact that they're doing this together because they love you.

Also DH talking with DS about the things he thinks are really cool about you -- that you're really good at -- maybe some of the more strong/masculine things you do in particular.

It sounds to me as though you need to be firmer with him.
DOes he get punished for such bad behaviour?
And does your DH back you up or reprimand him?
You need to get your DH in on this. The PPs idea of spending some fun time with him is good, although he shouldn't see it as a reward for awful behaviour.
Good luck OP.

Sorry I have to disagree with a lot of what is said above about being firmer. I think you need to show your DS more affection and spend more time with him. Maybe make some time every day when just the two of you can enjoy each other's company without interruptions, find a game to play together that you both enjoy, or go to the park together, or whatever else you can think of.

If I was a child and feeling a bit upset at my mum for whatever reason, the last thing that will make me want to be closer to her is if she responded with firmness and more dicipline. I am just looking at this from his point of view. The acting out and bad behaviour may be because he is seeking attention, or maybe he is upset at mum because of some reason you are unaware of.

Levi's behaviour is a bit different to your DS's but he is certainly not a mummy's boy at all either.

If I tell him I love him he will respond with, "Well I love my Dad." He will sometimes snuggle up to me on the couch but certainly not ever if Dad is around. He constantly makes it known that Dad does things better, that dad is more fun etc.

Our boys have only ever tried being physically aggressive to us a few times and we have just firmly held their arms, got down at their level and said in a strong voice, "We do NOT do that" and it has worked for us. We have friends however who have had a lot of problems with their children hitting them (especially the mums actually) etc so you are not alone in that problem.

I may be totally out of line here and I apologise sincerely if I am. You also have a SN child that would impact greatly on your time and emotions etc, don't you? Have you considered that maybe this acting out is a jealousy thing or similar at wanting your attention or maybe he has worries about his position in the family etc and doesn't know how to voice them. Is your family working with a counsellor about the enormous emotional issues you are going through? Again I'm sorry if I have crossed the line.

Thanks all.

I feel like an idiot- DS is not 3 as I have said in the title- he is actually 4. Was very tired when I wrote it last night!!

I don't 'punish' him for his behaviour- I hate that word actually. But I do discipline him. He goes in time out and I dam quite consistent. He does apologise every time and I make him tell me what it was that he did 'wrong', but then he will continue to do it- again and again. He has this behaviour all the time- of course DH does tell him off when he's home. But during a work day I of course have to deal with it myself.

He is not an affectionate chid. I can't cuddle him when I want to- I have to wait for when he wants me to. I got this advice from my psychologist who said that I shouldn't just 'expect' hugs and that O should let him decide when he shows affection. They told me he was an extravert! He makes all the rules apparently. Or rather, he likes things to be his way- and if I disagree then hell breaks loose. He respects DH but not me.

The other night DS fell asleep on the couch. I went to get him up and put him in bed. In his sleep he started thrashing out at me saying "I want my daddy". Also, if DS hurts himself when DH is at work he screams for his daddy. So as I am tending to a grazed knee all I hear is "daddy, daddy" through his sobs. It is upsetting me.

You are not out of line.

Yes that is all correct and yes we were all seeing psychologists (inc DS)- until she left and funding ran out. She (his psych) thought this to be a major thing- DS having to compete with his older brother's disability and his younger sister- he is the middle child. But he was always going to be independent (we knew his personality the day he was born). Always been a serious child and wanting to do things for himself- not a very 'happy' or smiley baby. Sometimes I make excuses for him to others and say "well he has a lot to cope with" etc etc. But realistically, what he is doing is not acceptable behaviour. The problem I know is with me. If I have had ample sleep (in my house anything over 5 hours sleep a day is ample) then I am in a better mood to face the day. If not, then I am not a nice person. I try and be calm and collected. But the reality is that I am not- especially after 3 hours broken sleep 3 or more days in a row with the uncertain future looming over me. And all the other everyday life crap that we all face such as not enough money, bills, bills, more bills, family crap etc etc.

It's not easy.

But I don't like his behaviour and I need to know how to handle it better.

Someone earlier also asked about DH showing affection- no, DH does not know how to show affection. He never really has. I don't either though. We don't get along at the best of times anymore- far too much stress We mainly just stay out of each other's ways. And our days are just so rushed that we never even get to talk to each other, nevermind discussing the behaviour of one.

OP, maybe it's time to etch out some one on one time with your son. Going shopping, reading him a book because DH is 'in the shower'. Finding something the two of you are interested in.

At the worst of times in my son's relationship I found it worked best if I sat down and started doing some activity - painting, play doh etc - and let him come to me.

Ask you DH if for a few weeks he would be the 'meanie' and say the nos and the wrongs to him so you can focus on saying yes, arriving home with his favourite ice cream or simply be the good guy.

It's not bribery, just building a bridge.

I think there is a big difference between showing favourites and showing unacceptable behaviour towards someone. If you are being firm and consistent with your methods, is it time to try another method? I havea very independent and spirited DD who is now 4 and it really took a lot of work to find a method that worked - and I use the term 'worked' loosely!

I agree with trying to get some one on one time with him and doing something fun. Or even trying to put aside 10 minutes in the day when your youngest is sleeping or occuppied to play with him doing whatever he is doing, brrrmming cars and the like. I read a great article a while ago about telling your kids you love them 7 times a day, and how important this is when times are tough. If affection is not a big thing in your house, maybe try to introduce it - just a quick cuddle when you can (one sided is fine) and a kiss on the head when they sit down to eat breakfast etc.

My DD has not been overly affectionate, but leaving the ball in her court does nothing to improve it. I have introduced 'Saturday night snuggles' when we watch a show she likes on tv and we cuddle up for the hour. She now looks forward to it and reminds me about it, but tells me it is only allowed to happen because it is Saturday But the more effort I make, the more results I get.

She has been a mummy's girl, but when her bro arrived we set some rules around mummy and daddy taking it in turns to put her into bed (which was a nicer way than telling her mummy was busy with the baby). whilst she did not like it at first, she knows how it works and whilst there might be one parent she prefers, she will have to wait until the next time for them. DS is more into dad and I quite like it as it gives me a break! But he is more than happy with me when Dad is not around.

It really sounds like you have a heap on your plate. I imagine getting through each day is hard enough, let alone trying to deal with all this stuff. You sound like a really loving mother trying to do the best thing with your 4yo despite all the other stuff going on for you guys at the moment.

I really just wanted to second this. Unfortunately I don't have any solution for you, but hope things get better for you soon.