Hello,

Am posting this in the hope someone has experienced it or knows someone who has experience in a similar situation (though would never wish this on anyone!).

My friend was pregnant with twin boys. Sadly, at the 32 wk scan, they found only one heartbeat. The pregancy has continued but for the past few weeks she has been in hospital as she went into early labour at 33 wks.

I visited her yesterday and the OB has agreed to deliver the boys next Tuesday. Problem is, she is completely torn between whether she should attempt a vaginal delivery or just opt for a c-section. She said she is flipping back and forth constantly and just has no idea what to do.

The OB would like to induce her and try for a natural delivery (he's the same one I had and is a very experienced, highly capable OB). He is suggesting they put in an epi very early on to make it as easy as possible from the physical point-of-view and also to be prepared if they have to go to theatre.My friend says she can cope with the physical issues of natural labour but is not sure if emotionally she can cope with delivering both babies.

She mentioned yesterday that the live twin hasn't grown as well as they would have liked in the past three weeks (he's estimated at around 5 lbs). For this reason, maybe she should attempt the vaginal delivery for the sake of his lungs, etc. Of course, of paramount importance is simply that she get to take home her little baby boy - however he gets here.

This seems like such a huge issue for her to decide on and whilst I have no intention of bombarding her with my opinion or that of anyone else, I thought if perhaps someone on here had experienced a similar situation and could offer their advice/support it may help her in this very hard decision.

If I receive any information which I think may be of help to her, I will be passing it onto her mother in writing so she can decide if and what she shares with her daughter (her mum is lovely and supportive and was there when I visited yesterday and we were all discussing the pros and cons). I feel that's the best way as she'll be in the best position to understand how her daughter is coping and whether or not she needs/would appreciate outside advice.

If anyone has anything they can offer either here on the boards or in a PM, I'm sure that it would be greatly appreciated.

I think I might also post this in the Miscellanea section to get to a wider audience (in case someone knows someone who's been in this situation but they themselves don't visit this section IYKWIM)

Many thanks in advance,

Sally



Sally (37),
DH Geoff (31),
Married 1/11/03

and our beautiful princess, Alice Elizabeth, born 8/10/04

Firstly, what a great friend you are!

Secondly, it's a very sad thing that's happened. Losing one baby would be VERY hard & I'm sure your friend is kind of torn between emotions. She would be devastated at losing one baby, but very exciting about meeting the other.

I have NO idea what she should do in regards to the birth. For me personally, I think a natural birth would be best for ME.
The reason I say this, is that a natural birth is easier to "get over" than a C-section. After the birth you want to see your baby & be "with it". I had my girls at 30 weeks & had a C-section & I was unable to see them until midnight that night (they were born about 9 in the morning).

Also as the babies are early, she will want to be able to go into the nursery & be with the baby. Having a C-section makes it just a little more difficult to get around. She may want to breastfeed & might have to start expressing shortly after the birth. A natural birth may make this a little easier too. I found that I was so drugged that my milk didn’t come in & etc.

The other thing too is that your friend may want to see & hold the baby that has passed away. How does she feel about giving birth naturally to a dead baby? It's a personal thing & I've heard some woman just can't stand the thought.

If the live baby is born first, then a lot of the risks shouldn't really come into play with the 2nd baby. Like they shouldn't be worried about the things they normally are concerned with as the 2nd baby has already died (that sounds really horrible to say that).

Also, I don't know what the difference between a natural birth & a c-section would be for the baby’s lungs? I've never heard that before. As I said I had my girls at 30 weeks & they were ok having a c-section. Your friend has done well to make it to 33 wks considering what has happened.

I know I haven't really helped with your question, but I wanted to also say your friend might find it extremely hard after the birth. She will be elated at having one live healthy baby, BUT also grieving at the same time.

I have spoken to someone else recently that lost one twin. She said that lots of people make comments like "Well at least you have one baby". Comments like this don't help. People seem to assume that b/c you have a live baby the grief is not as bad. I think this assumption is very wrong. Your friend will need to grieve just like anyone else does.

As I said before, you are a great friend to have & I'm sure you are already being very supportive. Tell your friend about our forum & she's welcome anytime. Just b/c she has lost one baby doesn't mean she's not welcome & she's still a twin Mummy.

Hope that your friend makes the right choice for her & that she gets a birth she is happy with. Wishing her all the best.

Belinda

Oh, Sally, how hard for your friend.

One thing that came to mind is that I found that in my experience delivering two babies was not more difficult than delivering one. The first stage of labour was very similar. The second stage of labour - the actual delivery, takes a little longer because there are two babies to deliver, however with both of them being small, it won't be as difficult as delivering one larger baby. I suppose what I am trying to say is that perhaps she doesn't realise that the delivery of the deceased one will probably be relatively quick. She will be putting all her effort into the first stage of labour to benefit her little baby that is alive - if that is what she wants to do.

I have found in the past, that I have been faced by decisions, whether big or small, that I struggle to make, because I don't know what is the best for me to do. So often with decisions like thses, we can't possibly know what is going to lead to the best outcome. Often my indecision has been when there is very strong emotion involved. I can "trick" myself into discovering what I really want by letting the decision be made for me, for example getting someone else to make it for me (but not so that it is irreversible). When I know what has been decided, I then prepare to accept the decision that has been made. At that point I may realise that I can't actually face that alternative, and will realise that the other alternative is really the one I want. Everyone is different, and this won't necessarily work in her situation.

What a fantastic, supportive, friend you are. She will certainly value your friendship and support over then next few months.

Sending your friend huge hugs and prayers! How distressing for her and the family...I agree with the girls ~ You are a wonderful friend and its nice to have someone there for you! Good on you....Please let us know how she gets on..

Haylie & Phil,Ebony(15),Hayden Phillip & Brooklen Lily 21st March 05

Thanks so much for the replies (both here and in Misc) and the PMs.

My friend has opted for a C-section (she had actually made up her mind before I spoke to her again, so naturally I said nothing).

She will deliver her boys at 10 am this morning. Please send lots of positive EB vibes her way!

Cheers,

Sally


P.S. Belinda, I musn't have been very clear, she's actually made it to 36 weeks (an amazing effort!!). Oh and natural delivery is best for premie babies as the contractions and journey down the birth canal work hard at stimulating the lungs and helps to get them ready for the big job ahead. :-)


Sally (37),
DH Geoff (31),
Married 1/11/03

and our beautiful princess, Alice Elizabeth, born 8/10/04

This message was edited by G&Me&BM3 on Tuesday, 28 June 2005 @ 8:13 AM

Dear Sally.

Just wishing your friend well for today. It will be a sad and happy one, saying goodbye to one little angel and welcoming her other beautiful bundle. God Bless.

Take care

RACHEL AND HER BOYS
Barnaby 14
Brodie and Oscar 28/03/05

Best wishes for your friend for today - what a mixed up day this will be for her. She's lucky to have such support. I'm feeling quite emotional writing this, imagining what she is going through. And of course, her surviving baby who will always be without his twin.

Maree

Eleanor 1/8/03
Harriet 1/8/03

Wishing your friend the best for today! Sending huge hugs to her and the family...please let us know how she is going. Thanks

Haylie & Phil,Ebony(15),Hayden Phillip & Brooklen Lily 21st March 05

Thanks so much to all who replied and sent their prayers and best wishes. I just received this e-mail from my gf's mum (didn't want to phone and bother them yesterday of course but the wait has been sooo hard), and just had to share it with you all:


Hi Sally and Alice

Alice has a new playmate or "toy boy" she being the older woman and all.

Cooper John was born at 11-15am weighing a huge 5lb 6ozs. 19.5ins long and gorgeous.

Joshua Matthew is now our beautiful sleeping little angel

Visitors a essential

Love M



Tears of happiness and relief streaming down my face. They were worried that Cooper hadn't been growing well for the past three weeks, so lots of anxiety over how well he would be . . . sounds like he's doing brilliantly.

Can't wait to go and visit them now!!! Watch out cluckiness, here I come!!

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sally (37),
DH Geoff (31),
Married 1/11/03

and our beautiful princess, Alice Elizabeth, born 8/10/04

Oh Sally.

I am so glad for your friend, and what a great size - go and give them big hugs

RACHEL AND HER BOYS
Barnaby 14
Brodie and Oscar 28/03/05