Hi, long time lurker in this part of EB, first time poster

My first birth was a public hospital birth and suffice to say, the entire experience was off-putting enough so that after a bit of research to satisy my own concerns, I am an avid HB convert.

My problem- my DH believes my ideas are 'ridiculous'. He will not discuss the matter with me, so I have no idea if his reponses are emotion based, or fear based.... or both, or what is going on. I just cannot talk to him about it.

I am not even pregnant yet, but I have this seed of doubt growing in my mind that having a HB will not be the best thing for our relationship. My pregnancy with DS was unplanned and it was a very stressful time. I don't want to have another stress laden pregnancy. That said, it would be much better for me both physically and emotionally to birth at home. I can't begin to talk about the dread I feel about going back to a hospital to birth again. It was awful.

Has anyone here had a HB against the wishes of their DH/DP? I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer.

Sorry for the long winded post. Feels good to get it all out

Sorry, I have no personal experience with this situation. My DH trusted that I knew exactly what I was doing by chosing to hire my own midwife and birth at home. I suppose though that he had a few years to soak up birthy information via sexual osmosis, meaning he had a very good understanding of my motivations

The basic hardline is that it is your body, you are the one who ultimately makes the decisions for the best of the baby you will be carrying. Yes, your DH is obviously the father, so does deserve a say, but if he refuses to discuss and explore the option he is forcing you to submit to his fears and ignorance. Not fair! Unless he has a really, really good reason to fear birth outside a hospital, being stubborn and having little understanding does not outweigh your knowledge and preferences. Anyone who simply says that you are being reckless by wanting to birth outside the hospital system is speaking from ignorance, pure and simple.

My advice would be to read as much as possible about birth, research 'risk' and share your findings with him, leave books around for him to flick through when you aren't present. When you decide to TTC, make an appointment to discuss care possibilities with a midwife, have a list of questions. Do the same at the local hospital with the same list of questions, or the private OB that your husband wants to use. Then maybe he will see the difference and will begin to discuss.

Agree with Isis.

My DH knew nothing of homebirth, but told be that he trusted me enough to make the right choice for me and our baby.

Once he met the MW, though, he was on board 100%

I think a lot of the 'objection' comes from misinformation or lack of it. Once DH had a chance to ask all the questions that were niggling him in the back of his mind, he was all for it. Now he insists we would never go to hospy unless medically necessary.

I used to watch Business of Being born while DH was on the computer (in the same room) because he ended up watching it all wthout 'being made to'. It really helped his understanding (although very basic) of why I wanted to avoid intervention etc

Hi there,

I'm sorry that you are finding you can't discuss HB with your husband and also sorry that you had a bad experience with hospital birth. I had my baby at a birth centre last year and since then (she's one next week!) I can't help thinking about the next one and am seriously considering HB. I had a great experience at the birth centre but now knowing more about birth and my body, and know that I CAN do it, I think that having a baby at home would be so much more relaxing, safe and special. My partner is open to talking about it but he isn't so sure, so I was thinking of (when the time comes) going to an information session. I'm not sure which city you are in but in Melbourne there is a group called Midwives Naturally (I'm pretty sure that's the name). They run information sessions so I was going to head there first. They have been recommended by a few people. If you're not in Melb you could always contact them and ask them if there are similar things where you live.

It's not really fair to block out an idea without exploring it first. Particularly when it comes to birth - informed choice is of upmost importance! I agree with isis in that at the end of the day it's your body and you are the one that will be going through the pregnancy and giving birth so although it's important to make a decision as a couple I think that the choice ultimately is yours.

Best of luck and I hope that you have the HB you are hoping for.

Not against my Dh's wishes, no.

My Dh was not happy about the idea for a very long time. At first he wouldn't even consider it. I had had very straightforward, good births in hospital, so for him it seemed quite risky to have a homebirth.

I explained to him how much it meant to me. I told him it was my body. I was also up against the fact that he wasn't keen on having another baby either.

In the end, I found a midwife and she met with him and talked to him. She spoke in terms of "nothing is set in stone and homebirth only happens when it's best for mother and baby". She had to reassure him that she wasn't willing to risk me or our baby and that it's wouldn't be "a homebirth at all costs".

In the end, I was in labour for an hour, during which time he had to take our older boys to school (I didn't want him at the birth, but that's a completely separate issue). When he got home 2 hours later our fourth son was already 45 minutes old.

Dh now believes homebirth is best for normal birth.

My DH was always on board but the two approaches I would take in this situation are

1) if either party wants to have a say in a major decision (whether it's homebirth or how to invest money) and you don't agree outright BOTH parties must be able to bring evidence to back their arguement, say at least three reputable sources. If you don't care enough about the decision to do some research and put a good argement you don't get a say in the decision making.

2) insist that you are both meeting with a midwife (or two) and that if he wants a say he needs to participate in the meeting. If that alone is not enough to convince him then also do a visit with a private OB or a public hospital clinic, whatever your alternative is. My DH was already on board with our homebirth but I tell you every time I forced him to come meet with the OB (I had high risk pregnancies and had an OB as well as a homebirth midwife) he walked out saying how glad he was that he mostly only had to visit with the midwife and how awful the entire OB visit experience was in comparison.

Thank you everyone for replying


I like this idea We have a computer DH sits at in our loungeroom as well. At the very least, it might be able to open up a discussion. Which is all I really am asking, I need to understand his objections so that I can address them. I need to try and open his eyes up somehow because I very much doubt he will be attending any visits with the MW.


This is a great idea too, thank you.

I'm very glad to read the HBs for the husbands and partners were a positive experience. This is what I am hoping for DH too.

Deejie- My DP is very 'Meh" about homebirth still even after 2 births at home.Although he has nothing to compare it to as I have never birthed in a hospital.


He honestly thinks everything would have been exactly the same had I gone to hospital ( and yes it probably would have, but that's not the issue)

I didn't have any issues with him ( except his blase attitude) as I'm a midwife who works in a hospital and am so the called birthing "expert" of our relationship.
It is really frustrating when they just don't understand how important the whole pregnancy and birthing process is for some women.

He knew it was safe,
He knew it was how/where I wanted to birth and he supported MY decisions but he was never really supportive of the whole homebirth idea or philosophy, but he was supportive of ME and my decisions around birth ( which is better than nothing I guess)

Nothing I said or did made him ever go "Ah.. this is why she homeirths" and I don't think it ever will.

It can be done even if he's not 100% supportive as long as he respects you and supports your informed decisions.

I was goign to have a unassisted childbirth, but my partner wasn't supportive, and i wasn't confortable going against his wioshes - BUT he was happy to homebirth. He knows i educate myself and am making the right decision, and trusts me.

I would be showing your husband the information to back up your decision, and keep talkign about it. He may come around!

I'm just lurking and don't have anything to add, however I am very interested in everyone's responses because I'm (secretly) hoping to HB our next child (we should hopefully start trying for the next one next year, when our DS is 2). I don't think DP would be initially very supportive either.

I hope you are able to sort it out with him.

I have a very supportive husband. He supports everything I do with no question. If he ever said "you can't do that" for whatever reason I would really be questioning my relationship with him. In a partnership based on equality and respect having to obey rules set by the other seems out of balance.

was your partner there with you during your first birth? Did the experience affect him? Sometimes the experience that turns us to homebirthing is the same that makes them more worried/need the hospital more.

I wanted to hb with my third - I wasn't passionate about it, but the idea was appealing. DH supports homebirth (he even attended a rally with me in support before #3 was even conceived), but after some complications birthing #2 he wasn't confident for us. I wasn't passionate enough to push the issue, I was so happy with my awesome caseload midwife!

#3 was born very quickly and easily with no complications, the only issue was only just making it to hospital on time. The same day DH said, 'next time we'll just homebirth'. This time I think the fear of a roadside delivery was more scary to him than the fear of complications! Haha!

So I personally wouldn't hb against my partners wishes, I hope that you two can find a way to talk about it. Even if he's going to support you in a hospital birth, he needs to know how you felt about the first time. It made all the difference to me with #3, that I knew my DH understood what I wanted/feared etc. and he was willing to fight for me. Maybe you can compromise on an awesome midwife through a hospital caseload program? Or a really solid hospital back-up plan that he feels confident in?

Pretty such exactly this for us :-)

After being a little iffy at first DP came around through:
(a) it turns out he had a family friend in her 60's now who home birthed two of her kids (where as I knew no-one who had gone this path) - he called her up for a chat about the whole thing
(b) Watching the business of being born (from behind the computer screen, until he got too interested and was compelled to come over to the couch)
© Meeting the midwives
and went from coming around to utterly convinced through the research and statistics I put his way after he had come around.

My Dad actually was a quite sceptical (while Mum is supportive following her own four sh*tty hospital birth experiences)....Dad was careful not to say much, but I would tell he was shifty about the whole idea. A run through of the business of being born and he was completely at ease.

So I can't recommend the business of being born enough!

Good luck OP. It might take months and it may help to have your midwife chat with him.

My partner was very nervous and anti homebirth when we were having our first. He was convinced it would be unsafe and bargained that if I had the first in hospital then after that he would feel better about homebirth. I was lucky that my midwife did visits at home, and she was reassuring to him - mostly reinforcing that my body was made to do this and that it was a normal, natural process. By the end of the pregnancy he knew I wasnt changing my mind, he trusted the midwife and he reluctantly agreed when I said we would transfer if anything went awry.

He was nervous but supportive. All went well and he thought it was amazing. Hospital birth was never even mentioned again.

Yes, last time I homebirthed initially it was against his wishes. He likes to follow protocol and the norm, and I am outside of the box. I wanted a homebirth with my first, but had a hospital birth because I wasnt strong enough to stand up to him and everyone else with their 'saftey', qualms of a homebirth.

After a horrendous hospital birth, I knew I was never having another baby there, unless it was medically necessary. When I voiced this to my dh, he was not for it. I still booked in, and started the process. Gradually we talked it over, he was fearful of something going wrong, I and my midwife reasurred him of all of what would be involved in a homebirth and all of the 'what if' scenarios. I researched THOROUGHLY before presenting him with the homebirth idea, so that everything that he made a comment to that was negative, I had a answer for.

But really at the end of the day, it was my body and my birth that I really wanted to go differently.

When I went into labour he was fantastic, nor aprehensive at all, not worried and supportive. Our birth was beautiful and very smooth. He is a complete supporter and advocate for homebirth now, and it wasnt a question when I got pregnant this time, we both assumed I would homebirth. He supports me in this decision, and is on board.

It takes them time sometimes, especially if they are usually happy to just follow the line, just be informed, have lots of information, and stay focused and strong.

Thanks everyone. I did have the 'big talk' with DH and although he isn't 100% on board, I can best classify him as 'reluctantly supportive' at the moment. Which, I must say, is a lot better than where I thought I would be a this point!

I think most of his fears are safety based. I am currently pulling the numbers off the internet to try and ease his concerns. Does anyone know of any Australian based studies for HB? I think some local data would help allay his fears far more than something out of the Netherlands I hope when we talk with my IM, he will feel a bit better, although he did say that he could ask questions and because he doesn't 'know' any better, the answer could be complete BS and he wouldn't pick up on it. Hence why I am compiling a list of research for him.

I don't expect he will ever be 100% comfortable with the idea in all honesty, but I am pleased where we stand after our big talk and hopefully over time DH will be a bit more comfortable too.

Keep in mind an OB is just as able, and some might argue more likely, to spout utter rubbish too. How would he be able to tell if the OB was basing what he says on good quality evidence based standards of practice?

So many OBs still scare women with breech babies into having an automatic c/s by referring to the Breech Birth Trial - which was a terrible study that more and more people around the world are acknowledging was a terrible study. But the OB isn't likely to say "I don't do vaginal breech births because I have never seen one and don't know how". Where as your midwife probably will say "That is outside the scope of my practice" if something is outside their practice.

Sounds like you are making some progress.

I am almost certain the thing that changed my husband's mind was listening to me reading Hello Baby (kids book) to the kids. I just honestly don't think he "got it" before that.

I hope you have a wonderful HB experience and your DH like many many others has gone from anti homebirth to a great homebirth supporter.

Lisa

My IM has told me she will not deliver my baby if she's breech - she has only delivered one baby breech in all her years, and that was accidental. She had said she just doesnt have enough experience and doesnt want to risk something going wrong because of her inexperience. Luckily, DD is head down, and i'm doing everything to make sure she stays that way!

My DF knew from the start i wanted a HB, but was sold when i told him our hospital will kick him out an hour after the birth - evem if its 10pm. He will not be allowed on the ward to bond with his child, he will be asked to leave. He said he wanted to cuddle up in bed with his girls, so was completely sold on a HB after that! He was fine, as long as a MW is attending, he didnt want an UC. which i was fine with

I've not had a homebirth yet (bring on August!!!!) and my DH has said he's on board, been very positive etc etc but I think it's only hit him this week that what we are planning is going ahead LOL He's very supportive but I think he's got a few fears lurking, we're meeting our birth assistant this Friday and hopefully that will help alleviate any fears he has. To be honest even with our previous 4 born in hospital it's only ever been myself, DH and one midwife so it shouldn't be too much more for him to get his head around

I haven't had a HB and for me not an option (high risk) but I do remember a friend of mine wanting kids so bad her DH was totally agaist c-sections however due to her own health issues her doc wouldn't allow her to try and birth so it was going to have to be a c-section or nothing. I remember telling her that I could not believe that she let her DH even have a say in it - perhaps he should try and push a kidney stone out or something! However in saying that I let my DH's feelings make the decesion for me. DD 1 & DS were both hard emontional labours, DD2 ended emergancy c -section we were given the option for DD3 and DH said that personally he would perfer I had a planned c-section then have to go through all that again. I didn't at the time realise how hard it must have been for him emontionally.

So whilst I do believe that it is a women's choice I can now see the other side of the coin. Good luck with what ever road you go down.

When I first brought up Homebirth my DH was very 'anti' however after hearing about MeeMee's HB (who is a friend IRL) and then once I was PG meeting our midwife and asking questions he was still hesitant but supportive. Witnessing the labour and birth he is now a convert to HB and 110% gets why I wanted to do it.

To be honest I never would have considered a HB myself until MeeMee did it then I read lots about it on the net etc and decided it was something I wanted. Like a PP said most of the negativity (from both of us) was ignorance and not having any knowledge about HB.