Matthew and Erin are now well over 3. A couple of times lately I have had the opportunity to take only one child with me somewhere, with the other staying with Daddy. The difference in their behaviour has been amazing. Maybe it is because they know that things are "different" without their sibling. Maybe they just do not have their sibling to get them all excited and encourage them to misbehave. Or maybe that is just how much easier it is to have only one 3 year old to keep under control. All as I know is that it has been amazing.

Anyway, it got me thinking, should we be doing more things with them separately? What do you do?

I was talking to a lovely mother of twins (is that a MOT or a MOM - mother of multiples, then everyone can think we are American) who was sympathising with me at Coles the other day (she was able to speak more than half a sentence without screeching the name of a child, because she had only one child that day). She was telling me that she has her 4 year old twins in different preschool sessions, and thinks that she will send them to school a year apart.

I know it sounds selfish, but with us both working full time shift work, it is hard enough to get them to playschool one morning a week - if that was split into two sessions then it would be even harder. We have no idea what to do next year when they are at preschool two or three days. We want them to have swimming lessons as well - which is another logistical nightmare, but once again I think that they will do together.

Matthew is VERY into music, Erin is about as musical as me. Next year we thought about some sort of music thing for him. Maybe Erin could then do dance or something. But what a nightmare - sorting out getting to and from all of these things! Particularly if we are at work, or knackered after night shifts.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me as I try to think this one through. What do you think?

This message was edited by joanne2 on Thursday, 3 March 2005 @ 4:42 PM

I have identical twin boys who are nearly 4 going to kindy, they are very energetic together but will not socially interact with other children, I am noticing it more now and after spending time at kindy and speaking to the teachers they agree. When they do have seperate time all they do is ask for each other,. would more seperate time be better even though it upsets them.

My 2 have just started school and are in seperate classes , I could never have held one back and sent the other as I think that is very unfair and 1 would definately have an advantage be it the one being held back or the one being sent.

My 2 went to pre school the same days, do swimming together and have just started doing dancing together , however I have never had seperation problems and infact even when in the same room at pre school they both had their own friends and would rarely play together.

When enrolling them at school I was asked if I wanted them in seperate classes or not and I asked their opinion (even tho I wanted them seperated), they told me they needed to hear my opinion 1st and when I said seperate they said that is what they recommend unless they are likely to become very anxious apart and in that case they would seperate them in year 1.

I often just take one shopping (normally Tahlia she loves shopping) and leave Breanna and Kasey at home with Dad , Breanna loves spending time doing boys things with Dad.

Thats my 2 cents worth of dribble prob hasn't helped but gives food for thought when starting them at school.

My 2 are just soo connected to each other whenever we have tried to take them difference places, they ask for the other one the whole time.

A classic example, Sophie had to stay overnight in hospital when she had asthma. I stayed with her, Alicia went home with DH. When they came in the next morning, Alicia and Sophie ran down the hallway to each other (like they do in the movies) and they ran off to play - not even a "hello mummy!!".

Even if Sophie is outside, Alicia will run around the house looking for her going "where's my sister?".

Maybe Alicia is more clingy to Sophie than the other way around. Be interesting to see what happens as they get older. As for school, I can't even imagine them getting that old!!

Sure would be nice to have more one on one time with them though!

Cheers

Kate
Alicia and Sophie 2/12/02

Hi there, I think this is a really interesting discussion. In my opinion as they grow and devlop their own interests they will start to choose some activities without their sibling. My 3 year old boys love to do lots of things together but also have separate interests (one is very outdoorsy and the other likes to do puzzles and games inside for example). I can see though that it's going to a logistical challenge in the future for them to have different hobbies etc but we'll see what develops.

I totally agree with you re their behaviour when they're just on their own. We love taking each of our children somewhere on their own. It's a totally different scenario. It's so easy for one thing and their behaviour has always been amazing when it's just them. They love the special treat of being just with mummy or daddy (or their grandparents) too.



Maycee (35)
DH (33)
Twin boys (4/12/01)
DD (7/10/03)

I am wathcing this thread with interest!!!

My girls were apart for the first time ever the other day when I took Zoe to a Dr's appointment without Izzy. Dh said that Izzy crawled around the house looking into each room trying to find Zoe and when she couldn't find her she howled the place down. They are never bothered when I leave or DH goes so it was really interesting to hear how upset Izzy was to not find her sister.

I think as they get older they will naturally choose to do more things seperately but I don't think I can see us sending them to kinder seperately but if I felt it was the right thing to do I'd put them in different classes at school. I guess I hope they will do some things on their own and some together thought not sure how strongly I would encourage time apart!

Really interested to read all your responses as I love hearing about all we have to look forward to, the good and the bad!

Kate

When they were younger, my 2 hated being apart. I only had them in one day a week daycare at that time, and there was one day where nicole stayed home with me, as she was sick, and kyle went to daycare. Not only did she fret all day, but so did kyle. When I got him home the first thing they did was run to eachother and put their heads together - it was so sweet to watch. They didn't talk, nothing, just put their heads together and held hands.

Now ... well nicole is more independent and the more dominant, and kyle is the one who is more attached to her. He needs her more than she needs him - well most of time. They still have their moments like in the car, they'll reach out across ryan's booster and hold hands - no talking, just holding hands, especially if one is a bit upset over something.

We do have our separate time with each of them - and their big brother. Generally they are fine with it as they're not fighting 2 others for mummy's attention.

You are looking at whether to separate yours more - i'm looking at mine having to be in the same class again next year when they hit high school as they have a lot of the same interests! I would definately not want to be the one to say only one person can do 'design and technology' !!!! The boys did preschool together, but they tried to encourage them to work alone or with other groups of people. They said on the first day how surprised they were - as long as they knew where the other one was they would just get on with their own stuff. Ds2 would sometimes raise his head and say 'where is my brudda?' and when he saw him or they told him where he was, then he would immediately go back to his work or play. When they were in squad swimming the teacher used to send one off at the beginning of the group with the words 'and dont wait for your brother' and the other boy at the end of the group. They didnt race other kids - only each other! Mind you now when the swimming carnival is coming up i tell them to race each other for practise! And last year when they were learning to play brass instruments for the band they were the only two who could keep the same pace - because they practised together. It is lovely to have some time alone with them - in fact nowadays they take it in turns to come to the tip with me (we dont have garbage collection out here) and if someone takes someone else's turn - well look out! I've always tried to treat the boys as differently as possible - but logistically you cant be in too many places at once - put one in one football team and another in the next suburbs football team and who's match do you watch? I find that when things are going well the boys are happy to play and work alone, but when they are anxious - new class/bullies, starting a new activity they stick together until they feel safe and then split up again. Its kind of like a barometer - what's up, you two are so friendly to each other? Ali

Thanks for all of the replies.

jo65ed - I am not sure about your situation. I guess if they are becoming that interdependent then maybe they might benefit from some "me time", even if for the first few times they fret that the other is not there. But on the other hand, who says it is wrong for them to be so close?

Tanya and Girls - I have read a few things about separate classes. I guess I will see what happens there. Being a boy and girl, I wonder if they will not tend to gravitate towards different groups and activities anyway. I will see what the teachers and myself feel when that time comes (who can believe in 2 years I will be making such decisions!). Just to clarify, the lady who is considering sending hers to school a year apart really feels that one of her children will not be ready (though she has almost 12 months - that is a long time in kiddie development).

KateTwinMum - I had a similar experience when Erin was in hospital for 2 nights when they had just turned 2. Matthew drove us crazy asking for her. Even the other day when he and I went to the shops alone, he looked over to her seat and says "Muuuummm, you forgot Erin". Funnily enough Erin is the one more likely to want to stay at home and tinker with Daddy.

Maycee - it must be a 3 yr old thing ... we parents suddenly get the fear of the logistics of shuffling different interests (I guess every parent of more than one child has this). Your boys were born on what I think was my original due date!

katef - it just keeps getting more and more interesting, this having twins business. Poor Izzy crying for Zoe. It is like the old "Crying because my twin is upset" thing - thankfully my kids do not do this anymore, because it used to break my heart. Now they will sometimes just ignore the fact that the other is upset, and other times they will try to console each other.

3-lil-angels - how lovely that they hold hands across the booster. Does Ryan cope, or does he feel a little left out?

localyokel - thanks so much for sharing the older twin experience. I cannot begin to imagine my two being at high school!

My children are the same as Tanya's, in that the few times they have been to occasional care, the staff have commented that they are really happy to go off and play with other children, with a quick check every now and then to see where the other one is.

Keep the discussion going - it is great food for thought!

This message was edited by joanne2 on Friday, 4 March 2005 @ 10:55 AM

Hey Jo,

My thought is this, if i'd had my girls a year apart they'd be separate without me even thinking about it and somehow i'd find the time to take them to each others individual classes or preschool days. Difficult as it might be it's just what we'd have to do.

I think you can see that Matthew and Erin are growing into separate beings and being different sexes they'll continue to do so and like you said Matthew is showing an interest in music that Erin isn't so maybe it is time to foster some independent activities for them, moreso now than after it's thrust on them when they begin school full time.

Anyway that's just my thoughts. Good luck it's an awfully difficult decision for you i'm sure.

I'm in the same boat as KateF, my three get very distressed when we take one out of the mix. When Josh had his hernia repair done 2 weeks ago, DH said that the girls looked for him in every room of the house and were calling for him constantly. We have only taken them out individually a few times because they do get distressed when they are apart.

Maybe I need to start encouraging a bit more independence!

Hi back again, this topic has been good Its good to hear other people with the same experiences, I think I will just go with the flow for now reguarding my 2 boys seperation issues, as I have learnt from the people on this site the older they get the more they take intrest of other things and people around them.
The boys are in kindy and hopefully as they grow there intrest will grow.