I went to a kitchen tea yesterday and got talking to a group of the brides friends I didn't know well, but was pleasant enough.

Anyway we were discussing babies in general and a couple of them asked me when I was planning on having baby number 2 (meanwhile I'm still to have number 1! )

Anyway DH wants 2-3yr gap. I want minimum 3-4 yr gap so we'll probably meet in the middle somewhere I'd imagine. In theory if I could I reckon I'd have an even bigger gap as the idea of two littlies is daunting.

Anyway all these women - and a lot of people in general I have found, have said no way have 1 then have the next one soon after and "get it over with" as in the baby stage, nappies, sleepless night etc etc.

Anyway its been playing on my mind today, and I can't help but wonder if they are right. Is it better to just "get it over with" in one go (2 kids in 2 or less years) instead of having a baby then going back to that stage years later, like we had originally thought we would.

I can see the first few years would just be a blur - crazy busy doing it that way and I think I may struggle that way, but then long term they are close in age and going to school closer.

So are "they" right? Is that the best way to do it. Have one then back up and have the next (my sister has done this and is knackered but her boys are so close and always playing together). Or have a bigger gap where the older child is bit more independent and able to do some things for themself and not have two in nappies etc.

WDYT?

There is no 'right' way to do it. What is right for your family depends on your family.

There is nearly four years between my boys and I really like it. My first son is more independent, has just started school and needs me less which gives me plenty of time to look after the baby without feeling like I'm neglecting one of them. The older one can also help out with the baby. I think back to when he was 2 yrs old and I'm not sure I could have handled both of them - ds was still very clingy. Now I get plenty of time to love on the baby

Yes I know that, but WDYT? Big gap or small gap?

For me, I don't know. I only know what I know and it's ok. Is it ideal? NFI because I've never experienced the alternative.

It's different for everyone but unfortunately you won't know what is the best way until you are in that situation!

I have a 2.5 year age gap and found it quite good. Both my boys were bad sleepers as babies so I got some sleep before having DS2! DS1 was fairly easy to entertain while I was 2 hourly feeding DS2. He was happy to sit next to me and read books or sing/talk or even watch TV. He could feed himself. I had 2 in nappies for only 6 mths.

One disadvantage now is that they don't really play with eachother yet and DS1 (3.5) gets upset when DS2 (15 mths) won't play with him or do what he says! Plus DS1 has to take his games to the dining table because DS2 likes to knock down his towers or mess up his train tracks!

Personally I couldn't imagine having DS2 and a baby now. DS2 is completely full on and I don't think he'd be patient while I was feeding a new baby. It would also be hard to explain to him why I need to spend a lot of time with a new baby. It might be easier as they get older tho because then they would play together better.

There are advantages and disadvantages to all age gaps. You can listen to people's experiences but everyone handles it differently so it might not be the same way for you.

Good luck.

Interesting topic.

DS is 17 months and we have no plans for no2 as yet. I'm enjoying my time alone with him and the attention I can give him. I also find being a SAHM full on as it's 24/7 and we don't get any help as all our family live overseas. DS has been sick quite a lot and quite clingy and don't think I could cope with a newborn and a toddler. Also studying over the next two years so we're looking at a 3.5 year age gap if all goes to plan.

There is 18 months between DD1 and DS and if I could do it all over again I would space it out a little more, more like the age gap between DS and DD2 which is almost 3 years. The stress I felt when DD1 and DS were little nearly mad me lose the plot. But that is just me, you have to do what feels right for your family.

also it didn't help that my DH is a shiftworker so was either at work or at home sleeping because of night shift work.

We always said 2 years. I have a friend who's children are 1 year apart and she loves that they both went to school within a year of each other. I also know someone who had a 5 year gap because she wanted to devote the same amount of attention to no. 2 as she did with no. 1 and that way the 1st was at school. It's a very individual choice. I must say I get annoyed at people who tell me that by having them close they will miss out on my attention and that it's unfair to the 1st as they are still babies.

I hope to have had my 2nd by the time my 1st is turning 2.

you gotta love when you get asked 'when are you having the next one' when the first one isn't even here

honestly - wait and see how things go with your first THEN worry about an ideal gap - there is no such thing as a blanket 'ideal' gap - there are pros and cons for a smaller gap as well as a larger one.

for example - we have 2 years between each subsequent child - and yup there have been some tough days (mostly in pregnancy) but i am on the side of 'getting it out of the system' in a close hit, as i have seen friends with 4+ year gaps and they're struggling atm getting back into the groove of it all.

There is no "right" or "wrong"

I have 2.5yr and 2yr 9mths between my girls, and it's the perfect age gap, for US. The older child out of nappies, old enough to understand about the new baby, and still close enough in age to be friends. My girls are 9,7 and 4 and they play so fantastically together.



Ok, the sleepless nights are not fun. And it's nice to get rid of the nappies.

But really, there is not way I would want to rush through the baby stage. I love having a baby, there is so much good stuff to enjoy in the baby stage, in ANY stage. I like being able to enjoy my newborn baby, not look back on "blur".

We have 17 months between our girls and it works just fine (although we dont know any different age gap)
Some days they play nicely together some days they are fighting non-stop. Maybe after you have #1 you will be able to make a bit more of a clearer decision.

I think you need to have the first one first.... and then see how you feel about when is a right time for you and your partner to have another.

You don't know what you will be faced with.....and also you may not necessarily get to 'choose' an exact age gap. i.e. unexpected pg, or trouble conceiving the 2nd time.

Nothing is a given and there are no hard and fast rules.

Personally I was not going to have any less than a 3 yr gap........... its getting closer to 4 yrs now if I fall pg in the next few months as TTC#2 is not happening the way it did with #1.

Pro's and cons both ways so no easy answer!

I can only say how I feel, but my DD is gone 4 and we are only just trying now for a second. First reason was that I have always felt it would be better for the child in terms of my time and attention to have a larger gap, and secondly, I just didn't feel like having a second until now. After having DD I realised I had other things that needed attention, like my career ( a new one ) and my relationship. Once they were sorted, I began to feel clucky again. The downside I have found is that she is without a playmate like most of her friends have. However she has an amazing imagination ....you could analyse it forever.

YOU will know when you're ready, and only you.

we have a 3 yr 1mth age gap not by choice but hey its perfect for us that if DH gives in to #3 I would like the same if not a little more between then

I think it is different for everyone..
I wanted mine all close together, they are all 2 years apart (I wanted closer - at the time) ... nowdays I wish I had started younger so I could have had them 4 years apart.

Good news is that we are nearly out of nappies and not talking stages ~yay~ The countdown is ON!

OP, we were so besotted with DS that we wanted another baby pretty much right away. But breastfeeding hormones prevented that from happening and after 12 months of trying and 8 very irregular cycles (sometimes anovulatory) we are now pregnant again (also still breastfeeding)

The gap will be 2 year 4 months between them. We wanted a small gap, but ended up with an 'average' age gap, not what we 'planned' but happy with it nonetheless.

I have an 11 year age gap, I love the age gap. But it is the only age gap I know.

Having a two year old right now, I don't think I would be able to enjoy her being two (and it really is enjoyable and fun) if I had a newborn. Other families would be different, but I love bigger gaps because it just seems right for us.

Oh and I don't follow the philosophy of have children close to 'get it over with' because having children is wonderful and I don't want to rush it.

Mine are all close, and I have never felt like I'm neglecting any of them or any of them have missed out on anything by being close. Now my youngest is 2 I am well and truly over babies (although that could be due to child overload, who knows?! ) and on the contrary I feel having another baby now would mean the older ones would miss out by taking me back to the days of working around a baby's very different needs to a school child's needs, and sleep deprivation.

Realistically I don't think either is better and everyone just does the best with what they get. I also believe personalities and gender make a difference in just how hard or easy any gap is.

A real possibility for us as I have PCOS and it my cycle can be real hit and miss at the best of times.

I can see myself just enjoying 1 child for some time. I don't feel I'm on a "plan" to get my family over and done with. 2 kids will be it for us so I only need to (hopefully) consider the 1 age gap. Thankfully my bub will have 2 cousins close in age (5 months and 7 weeks so will have play mates no doubt even without a sibiling )

This is the age gap I have between first and second (2 years 8 months) and I am really happy with that. If we try for a natural miracle 3rd child, same gap again.
I am not cut out to deal with more than one tiny person at a time. I hope DD will be toilet trained and a little more independent by the time number 2 is born.

We won't be having a small gap but it does seem to be quite common amongst people I know who are having children. We are in such a good groove with our one daughter. I try to just enjoy it for what it is. The idea of getting nappies and sleep deprivation out of the way doesn't ring true for me. I figure there could always be some new challenge on the horizon anyway and how do you know you won't be bothered by nappies but will be bothered by sibling demands until you try it?

There have been studies that suggest that the optimum age between siblings is 3 years, especially in how it benefits child #1's development.

There was also a study that was released about a month ago that suggests that in siblings born less than 2 years apart, the younger of the two is 3 times more likely to have autism. There are a few links I found to this study, but here is a fairly basic article about it...
http://www.savvysciencemom.com/2011/01/is-...n-siblings.html

Also, wait and see how your body handles childbirth! My period didn't even restart until DS was 21 months old (I breastfed till 20 months) and I also had back and pelvic soreness for months after DS was born. The idea of another pregnancy and childbirth was quite repugnant to me until DS was 18 months old, when all of a sudden I got clucky again (we have started TTC again in the last couple of months) Sometimes it is less about the children and more about how you and your body handle things. Of course, your first child might get to 3 months old and you will be raring to go again, who knows? I have read another study, however, that suggests that having babies closer than 2 years apart is much harder on a mother's body.

All that being said, my brothers are less than 2 years younger than me and we have a great relationship. Apparently, though, I was a very lonely little girl after they were born and my parents still feel pretty guilty that I was "pushed aside" in favour of newborn twins (even if not intentionally, it was an oopsie pregnancy) To this day I always assume people will get sick of me after a couple of years and I wonder if it goes back to this experience.

ETA here is a quick link I found about the effect on a mother's body of having children too close together http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_an...icle5525024.ece

My first 4 are 19 months apart, 22 months apart, & 24 months apart. Although it was chaotic with 4 kids under 5 1/2 it worked well for us at the time.

DS2 is 5 years younger than DS1, & this gap worked well for us also.

There were benefits to 'having them all in one go', as we had no problems with jealously, the kids were used to having to share Mum & Dad, we were used to it, so there was no newborn 'shock' when the next one came alone & with none of them being way older apart from school we weren't having to run around after them much.

There was a benefit to having a 5 year gap too. Only one child in nappies, & it was way easlier to ferry all the older children around to all of their activities with only one little one in tow.

There will be an almost 3 year gap between DS2 & this baby & personally I think with the ages of the older children that this is going to be the hardest age gap that we've had. Ask me again in 5 months time

For me, I wanted a decent gap. So I could enjoy my first child without feeling pressure from the second.
4.5 years was perfect for us. I still had the baby stuff, still had the energy to devote to #2, still remember most of what I need to do for a baby by the time the 2nd came along.

DD1 didn't feel that put out of her place because she had her own interests and friends, and also was a big helper, she was looking forward to kindy and was very excited about that rather than feeling jealous of the baby.

DD2 looks up to her sister and just loves to follow her around.

I didn't want to "get it all over and done with". I wanted to savour it. And with a bigger gap, I am doing that.

Maybe during the teen years there will be friction between them, but maybe not because there is simply less competition due to the age difference and the fact that they are at different stages.

Who knows.

I also didn't want my body so wrecked with 2 pregnancies close together.

I think you need to have the first one and then decide.

We are aiming for 3yr age gap but who knows what will happen. Having a baby earlier just didnt fit in. We decided to build a house and do some more travelling before having #2.
Initally we thought 18mth-2yr gap but when it really came time to decide we weren't ready. Im glad we are waiting a bit longer

There is a 22 month gap between DD and DS and they are incredibly close. Even now, when it's uncool as a nearly 10yo to have your dorky little brother hanging around, she smiles sweetly at him and says "I can't help it, I just love him".

We had an almost 5 year gap (2 weeks off!) between DS and Ruby and I was looking forward to having her at home by herself especially knowing that she was going to need a lot of help initially due to her heart condition. Unfortunately, we didn't get to experience having her at home.

We're still tossing up as to whether we should have another. We did decide definitely no about 6 months ago but DH is clucky so we'll see what happens. That would mean a nearly 9 year gap at least so we would be truly starting again.

I grew up with one sibling who was 6 years younger than me. She was a pain. It stopped me being able to do age appropriate things with my parents, she was always getting into my things (and I couldn't tell the "baby" off) and she would never leave me and my friends alone. And yet, I would not have swapped her for the world! I love her to pieces, always have and am glad that my parents perservered until she was born.

I can only write from my experience like everyone else. Your decision has to be based on what is best in your mind for your family and then it will be up to your body as to when you do actually have another child.

FWIW ... I have had such a great experience with my first 2 beng close together that I tried really hard to have more. It wasn't to be as I lost my babies for a variety of reasons ...

It was right for us ;-P 23 month age gap and PERFECT for us!! Never going back...

As PPs have said, it is a very individual decision and until you've had number one and seen what kind of personality they have, how it affects your relationship, how you settle in to motherhood etc it's probably better to take the wait and see approach.
Personally, I love our 3 years 3 months gap. We didn't plan it that way. We wanted another baby when DD1 was 18mths but had secondary infertility. DD1 was a real handful around the age that I would have been due with what turned out to be a loss and although it was terrible it kind of turned out for the best as by the time DD2 came along DD1 was toilet trained, having less tantrums and could do a lot of stuff for herself (like getting dressed, eating etc) Now that DD2 is 6mths old, DD1 is in kinder 5 x 3 hours a week and I get to spend some lovely one on one time with the baby. In the afternoon, DD2 sleeps and I get time with DD1.
I really think I would have struggled with a lesser gap. One SIL had three under 3 and the other two in two years and I look at how hard it was for them. Don't think I could do it - kudos to those that do and love it! (Totally disagree with the 'get it over and done with' camp).

There are some hard things about babies but also some really wonderful things. A rush to get all the hard stuff out of the way means you also rush through what can be a really magical time. But it really just depends on so many factors - your personality, your child/ren's personalities, your pregnancy and birth (I could not face the thought of giving birth ever again after DS1 and so didn't start TTC (reluctantly) till he was 18 months, whereas after DS2 I could have given birth again a few weeks later), career etc etc. And there'll always be pros and cons to any age gap.

2-3 years seems to be a common and pretty good 'compromise' age gap. We have 2y4m which was my minimum (fell pregnant rather quickly 2nd time), and it's worked out beautifully so far.

Just have the first one and then see how you feel.

I think it's more important to look at what's right for you, the children will adjust to whatever comes along. How old are you OP?
I have 5 years between my first 2. If I had my time over I would definitely have had a much smaller gap because now at 38 I am finding pregnancy very hard. I would have loved a fourth but it won't happen now because physically I couldn't cope to do it again and my family suffers when I am not on top of my game.
You mentioned some fertility issues. In your shoes I would not be waiting. Better I think to do it while you are younger and while your fertility holds out.

I'm 29, 30 later this year. So I do have some time to decide but who knows how it could all pan out.
Having PCOS does impact my fertitlity but it is managed quite well and if I do what I'm supposed to do then it seems ok

I know that I speak for myself only here but having another child took nothing away from my relationship with the newborn baby. IMO it was enhanced each time a new baby came along.

Even though DH and I were happy with the rate at which we had our children and the number of them I have always wondered if the children felt differently, since they are now adults we talk about them growing up and none of them felt they missed out on anything and did not feel they were superceded by the 'next model'
So OP--My perfect is one a year

I think there is no right or wrong age gap, you must do what suits you and your DH.

We have 4 years between our children and this was a perfect age gap for us. Also stopping at two children was again perfect for us.

IMO anything under 2 years would have been horrid for me. I'm a fan of slightly larger age gaps, but that's just me.

I've seen these studies and I have to say that in our case our #1 child has in no way compromised by her birth order!
It makes me laugh---she couldn't be more opposite.

I am also lucky in my 'body department' too. My body after 5 was no different ANYWHERE to how it was pre children-----in fact it may well have been better


ETA
The 'natural' spacing of children is actually 18 months.
If healthy ovulating women use no contraception and breast feed for at least 6 months they will have children approximately 18 months apart.

I would go for a larger gap every time from my own experience and from watching friends. I like having time to enjoy my children one-on-one, plus breastfeeding to full term is very important to me and this means I would never want a gap of less than two years at a minimum.

I think it also depends on how your first sleeps. My DD1 woke 5+ times a night until she was 2 1/2. If she'd been a better sleeper, maybe my perspective would be a bit different as I was so exhausted for so long.

I think personality has more to do with how well they play together than age gap anyway. My girls play together already and my brother and I were very close growing up, although we had a 3.5 year gap. We were much closer than many of my friends who had siblings closer in age.

I think unless you are in your mid-to-late-30s and want to fit two or three more in, go for the larger gap. What's the rush? Babies are fabulous.

You do miss out on savouring it a bit if you are trying to 'get it over with' and it is worth savouring.

I like the 4 yr age gap the best. We have had a 2 yr gap as well and it can be a lot harder in my opinion and not as enjoyable. 4 years is beautiful! Even though 4 yr olds are hard work it's a great age for a new sibling and they are usually past that 24 hour need.

Of course I am insane and about to do what I said I never would, a less than 2 yr gap. I just never expected to fall pregnant so quickly!

I don't really get the 'get it over with' thing anyway. There's something hard and time consuming about every age. Do you really want teens super close together for instance? What about those crazy early primary years where there's a million birthday parties, playdates and activities? All our children keep us super busy and they range from teen to baby with the rest in the middle. There's always one we are most worried about, one needing more physical care, one with sleep issues. Nappies are nothing compared to the dramas of a teen!

There's no right or wrong.

I personally though wanted a close gap between my kids and get nappies/bottles/cots out of the way quickly

For me it is better to space them out. The 3.5 year gap I had was much better than the 22months gap. I enjoyed my 2 year olds that didn't have a younger sibling much more than the ones who did.

ETA that I have age gaps between my 5 ranging from 22 months to 4 years. The four years currently seems quite big as they are 2 and 6 but I think that will change as they get older. It is stilll much easier dealing with a toddler with the kids all being much older.

I always planned to have my second child in the year that my first turned 3 and that worked perfectly for us! Ended up being a 2yr7mth gap - youngest was still having day naps but alot more independent.

I never wanted to rush having children to 'get it over with' - I adored having my babies and wanted to stretch it out in reality!

We have 22 months between ours and I love our gap. I dont think I would want a larger gap but I am lucky that I have two girls who are so in love with each other and want to do everything together.

I dont think there is an ideal age gap but I do think its easier to picture having two babies after having your first. I hadnt thought about having anymore at all until DD1 was born and then it just became a natural progression for us. When the time comes you will know. In the mean time get used to everyone having an opinion on everything from which nappies you use, whether your baby is tired/hungry/teething, whether you b/f or f/f and every other aspect of your child by complete strangers

There is absolutely no right or wrong, it all depends on you and your family as to what will work best.

For me, while I do PREFER close gaps (12 months being ideal) problems conceiving the last 2 times have made us have much larger gaps and honestly last time we had 2y10m gap (after trying for a 12m gap) and wow it was bliss. After 4 in 4.5 yrs having that nearly 3 yr gap meant I had SO much more time to enjoy #5 and this time we anticipated it would take a while to concieve so aimed for a 12 month gap but will have a 2y4m gap and I'm not fussed at all because I know how much easier it will be on me having the larger gap!

I do love the bond the kids have being so close in age but thats not guaranteed. 2 of my daughters are exactly a year apart (share the same birthday!) and I swear they can read each others minds they are so in tune with one another.

The bond between those 2 and my third daughter (ages now are 5,4,1) whilst incredibly close just can't possibly be as close as the bond between the 4 and 5 yr olds even just because developmentally they are so far apart whereas the 2 close in age are very similar developmentally, share the same interests and friends etc

How I see it is for the kids sake the close age gaps have so far worked the best, for my sake the larger age gaps have been bliss (and really they're not large gaps anyway!)

I have had both.
A five year gap and a two year gap.

Longer gaps rock!

However I dont think its the end of the world if you have them closer together. Sure it can be a bit more difficult but I do think the Idea to get the 'baby' stage over and done with as quickly as possible is very sound reason. Short time of pain for a lot of gain.

Both gaps have their pros but when you are in the middle of having a toddler and a baby you do question your sanity LOL especially when you planned it that way.


In three years time my baby stage will be complete. A 10 year old, five year old and three and a half year old seems very appealing and I am glad I didint drag it out longer.

OP Ive also had people tell me this, but we've decided to have a large gap (3-4yrs). After losing our son we want to cherish every moment with DD and really enjoy her.
My brother and I are 17 months apart - grew up worst of enemies, now as adults are friends and get along great. I dont think age necessarily means your kids will get along and play together.
Definatley do what you feel is right for you

Thats so lovely, it must be nice to see them together

If I could go back and choose I probably would have gone for a 3-3.5'ish year gap.

We had twins and then our next one 22 months later. I have to admit it is all a bit of a blur .

I have a large gap (6 years) and a small gap (2.5) and there are good bits and bad bits about them both.

Keep in mind I went to work early (SAHD) so that affected my experience, too.

The large gap was good that I had the baby to myself all day as DD was at school. He was a difficult baby (would cry a lot which took a lot out of me) and it was nice for DD not to feel left out as I tended to him, because she was at school, having fun. On the flip side, they sometimes clash in terms of how they play because of the age difference.

With the smaller gap, it was more intense at first (I was a wreck in the early days because I didn't want anyone to feel left out and Rimi had trouble falling asleep again), but they are so close!

But, they all love each other just the same!

We have 4yr4mth and then 3yr8mth gaps between our three, the first gap was due to infertility, we were angling for 2.5-3.5 but once I finally did get pregnant (and had an awful pregnancy due to all the drugs I was on to keep me pregnant) we were SO happy about the gap. We love having the approx 4yr gap.

They all adore each other but they are also all at quite different stages and aren't competing for our attention in the way that a toddler and a baby would. But on the other hand I have been sleep deprived for 9 years straight, I am looking forward to maybe sleeping through the night one day soon...

Close worked for me.

My two are 22 months apart and they get along together brilliantly. I always felt like kids with a bigger gap would have less in common as they grow through the different stages of childhood at such different times.

I think there are benefits at different times. My SIL had her first same time as me but had her second when he was 15 months. I have an almost 3 year gap between my two. Those early years were really tough on SIL (and her husband) and she was pretty stressed most of the time. Her kids also fought a LOT until quite recently. However now they are both toilet trained, one at school, one at preschool and they are able to travel etc.

On the other hand our 3 year gap was perfect for us, my boys play together constantly and are great friends - DS1 is old enough to cut DS2 some slack for being "just a baby" . Yes it has prolonged the 'baby' stage of nappies etc but actually in my books that's kind of a good thing!

For us there really wasn't a choice, both of my kids were very difficult newborns that screamed for the first few months and for a year or so there DS1 was going to be an only child!! We needed that time in between to recover and convince ourselves it was worth it after all LOL.