Hi Tammy,

I have to admit a bias with this subject as I’m adopted and FWIW couldn’t imagine a stronger bond than I have with my parents, or them with me. Certainly, my bond with my parents is a strong as my bond is with my own (biological) kids, if that makes sense.

However that’s just my personal experience – I have also asked the professional opinion of Jennifer Newbould, counsellor and manager of ARCS - the Adoption Research and Counselling Service - and this is her advice:

“Interestingly, this fear is a common one which men in particular seem to have,” she says. “Often, men become really anxious that they might not be able to bond. However the good news is that while it is a common pre-adoption fear, it’s also an unfounded one. It would be a tiny percentage of men who don’t then go on to bond very successfully with their adoptive children – for the vast majority it’s a fear that just melts away.”

After all, as Ms Newbould points out, we love our partner deeply without being biologically related – so why not a child as well? “Love is something that develops over time through shared experiences – it certainly isn’t dependent on a biological connection,” she says. “But it is great to openly discuss these sort of issues both together and with others so that you can work through any worries and concerns before you start the adoption process.”

And Tammy, in many ways being open to the idea of adoption after your own attempts to conceive have failed is similar to being open to a new relationship after one has ended – in both instances you have to be able to let go of that previous situation before you can start a new chapter. If you haven’t let go yet it can cause a fear of moving on (or perhaps, in your husband’s instance a fear of being able to bond).

“It’s important to allow yourself time to let go of that dream (of having a biological child) and to give yourself time to mourn that loss,” says Ms Newbould. “That is difficult - both men and women can feel a sense of betrayal – that they are betraying their potential child by giving up. But being able to let go helps you to see an adopted child as their own entity – not as a replacement. That’s very important.”

So Tammy – perhaps consider some counselling. Or meet some families with adopted children to get the “warts and all” perspective from them. And best of luck, I hope it all works out!

Hi Tammy

I'm also adopted and my parents adopted me from overseas (Fiji). I was adopted as soon as I was born. My mother was able to have a biological child (my brother) but then a few years afterwards suffered from a serious infection which led to her being infertile. That was a massive blow for her because she always wanted a daughter. She went through a period of mourning and found it really hard to face the fact that she could no longer have anymore babies. Adoption didn't really enter her head or even my dad's mindspace for a few years afterwards. At the time they were living in Fiji and lived near a few orphanages. She slowly grew towards the idea of adopting because she saw all these children without parents and who just wanted to be loved.
Although Dad never openly said he was against the idea of adopting he never said much to mum to encourage her down that path. He did initially think the bond would be different between a child who was adopted.
However, that all changed one night when they received a knock on their door at 3am in the morning one night. A woman who had been there neighbour a couple of years ago and then moved away, was standing at their door heavily pregnant and ready to give birth. She explained to them she knew they were good people and that she knew mum wanted another baby. She also told them she already had 7 children to look after and that the father of this baby was not going to help or support her and that she wanted to give this baby to them.
Dad thought she was just being emotional and hadn't thought this through properly. He took her to the hospital and made sure she was looked after. Mum's resistance to adoption changed that night because she saw it as a sign that the universe was giving her a second chance to be a mother, even if I hadn't been born from her womb.
My biological mother gave birth to me and she left the hospital straight away. She left a note with the nurse, which outlined her contact details and saying that she did not want the child and that my dad had agreed to adopt the child!
Dad hadn't, but the hospital treated me like I was an abandoned child. They said to him if you don't take this baby, they wouldn't have any choice but put me into an orphanage. He initially thought I'll look after this baby for a little while and then try and talk the mother into taking me back. Well I can say that never happened! Dad took me home and he's always said to me, the minute I held you in my arms I knew you were my heart and soul. He did contact my biological mother to make sure she was still happy with her decision, which she was. They finalised the adoption and then a few years later brought me to Australia.

My bond with my parents goes beyond life itself. I have so much love for my mother and father I really can't imagine anything deeper or stronger.

Thanks missgeorgina for sharing your beautiful story.

I find it interesting that the feeling is there of betraying potential children by adopting. I actually felt the opposite. My husband and I did AC for a while, and had decided if we had a biological child, we would then adopt. We didn't want to continue AC, and both felt strongly that adoption was our way to complete our family. We continued AC mainly due to the encouragment of our doctor. In the back of my mind, there was always this niggling feeling of guilt that perhaps my child/children were waiting for us. We have since gone on to adopt two beautiful boys from The Philippines whom both my husband and myself cannot imagine them not being our sons. They are so embedded in our hearts and souls.
I think reaching out to get advice from families that have adopted is a good idea as is perhaps seeking counselling to resolve feelings about not having a biological child.
Honestly, for us, biology didn't matter and we couldn't be happier with our gorgeous, though mischievious boys. We have bonded with them and love them beyond our dreams.
Good luck.
Kathryn

I am lucky enough to have three sensational children!!! Two adopted from overseas, and one by birth.

I knew I was infertile from VERY early on and pursued adoption as my first choice. I was lucky enough to have a good friend who was involved in the adoption service so had heard a lot about the program, families and children AND I had a great FS who was very blunt with me about my chances of getting pregnant and recommended we look into other methods of building a family.

My (ex)dh felt just like the dh from the quote. The single thing that changed his mind was meeting a few families who came together through interrcountry adoption, and he saw that those families were just like every other family he knew....the kids just looked different! Then he knew he could love a child of adoption as though that child were our own.

Adopting my first daughter was the most emotional event of my life. I instantly fell in love. Through the 4 years of waiting for her I almost felt like the process was a type of labour. I cried and cried wheen meeting her for the first time, and it was just how I imagined a mother through birth might feel when first meeting her child. To say my dd1 and I are bonded is an understatement.

Dd2 is just as precious, but the experience was different. I loved her so much from the moment I met her, but to be honest it did take longer to bond to her. As I imagine happens with birth children on occasion. I felt guilty, torn, inadequate and afraid. But I had prepared enough so I knew this could happen. Part of the reason for this was that my dd1 instantly clung to me for dear life and didn't let go for weeks, whereas dd2 had been in a foster family not an orphanage and my poor, poor dd2 grieved heavily and intensely for her "Mama". That first night she screamed, wept, raged, cried and struggled out of my arms for 12 hours straight. Each time she got out of my arms she wriggled as far away as she could from me and pitifully wailed for her Mama at the door of our hotel room. So the process was a longer one, and more focusewd on helping my dd2 with her grief than it was about instantly bonding to each other. But bond we did.

Ds1 was a huge shock. He wasn't meant to be! I was 16 weeks before I even knew of his existence! And the bonding to him was different again. He was prem, almost died, and so the focus initially was on making him well. I loved him too, instantly, but the intensity of this love grew in proprtion with his gaining health. I think I was too much in shock to even wonder whether I was 'bonded' or not. Part of the reason for this was that for 18 years of my life I had imagined/ known my children to be dark haired, dark eyed asian kids, and now there was this londe haired, blue eyed child that I had never even thought of as being one of 'mine'. And I had only be pregnant for 13 weeks (that I knew of) and so hadn't gotten used to the idea yet. Now I couldn't imagine life without him and I adore him from the bottom of my heart.

As the Mum of birth and adopted kids I can HONESTLY say that I am bonded and they to me. The process was different for each, but the depth of love no different, and I say a silent 'thank you' in my head every single day for my children.

My dh and I have been doing ac for some time now with plenty of sorrow along the way. At this stage we are not giving up on ac but we are starting the application forms for inter country adoption. I would like to both adopt and have biological children. My dh and I feel there are some similarities between adoption and ac such as the lack of a definate child at the end of it all, the yearning for children involved, that there is emotional stress, the length of time it takes etc. There are also many differences which have been covered in this blog and replies here and were also covered at the inter country adoption seminar we attended. I am very new to the psychology involved with adoption but DoCS (although not called that now) did run a very helpful 1 day seminar to give an introduction to inter country adoption which touched on many issues to consider. We also met many other fertility challenged couples there who are also considering adoption. I recommend looking up adoption on the DoCS website. All you have to do is fill in a Expression of Interest form and mail this of. You then get invited to the next seminar provided you are a lovely couple . This might help answer your questions and your partner's questions.

I have to say we are scared, just as we were when first starting ac but for different reasons. In particular I am scared my parents won't love my adopted child because of the lack of biolgoical connection. I'm going to start reading some books that were recommended at the seminar, hopefully these will help me.

Thank you all for posting these lovely comments. It is so nice to hear real stories from real people.

Hi Tammy,

I am an adopted child and I can truly say that my parents love me in exactly the same way as my two older brothers whom are their biological children. The only way I was treated differently growing up was to be told how 'extra special' I was by all the members of my family, not just my parents but my grandparents and aunts & uncles.

It was never a secret, I have known for as long as I can remember that I was adopted. With olive skin and dark features I also look completely different to the rest of my German/Scottish family. My Mother always tells the story of when I was brought out to the room where all the couples wait, even though I looked nothing like they imagined, she just knew that I was her baby.

I now have a child (biological) of my own and my mother smothers my baby with love, it's just gorgeous to watch.

Children can come into your life in so many different ways, you don't have to give birth. I know that my mother loves me as much as I love my son.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Great comments larms1 (actually, great comments everyone). I think larms1 raises an important (if slightly off-topic) point which is that I believe it is vital for adopted children to grow u knowing that they are adopted. Certainly I was - it was always a very matter-of-fact, accepted thing. Other kids came from their mother's tummy - I came from the adoption centre. It was never a big deal because I grew up knowing that. One of my friends however wasn't told that she was adopted and therefore did have big issues with it down the track when she found out.

Of course nowadays most adoptions are sourced from overseas, so I guess it's probably not an issue.

Hi Tammy,

I have been fortunate enough to have 4 biological children. Some years ago, my husband and I decided to become foster parents. Our last placement was a 10 week old boy who stayed with us until he was 22 months old.

Giving him up was for us the most heartwrenching thing we had to do. It broke our hearts. However, we didn't need for that to happen to know that we loved and still love him just as much as our biological children.

I wonder if it has a lot to do with attitude towards the whole lot. If you allow yourself to be open to the possiblity that you could love this child just as much as if you had given birth to him or her, then you possibly will.

I wish you all the best and hope that all works out well for you both.

Good luck,

Melina

Not meaning to get off topic, but I do know of several os adoption families who won't be telling their children. Everything from "you are biologically ours" to a family that are going to tell the child that he is the bio son of his Mum and a sperm donor. This is from the same country as where my children were born. The paperwork that goes with the adoption is so clearly adoption paperwork, and the children can't access Australian birth certificates that I don't know how they will cover it up when the child gets older to ask for their own documents.

Terrible i think!

Another adoptive parent here.

DH and I (and the furkids) are totally lovestruck by our DD. Adoption isn't a secret in our house, she's Chinese, DH and I are British/Euro and fair as fair gets. But we love and admire our differences, as well as our sameness.

Adoption isn't for everyone - its a long, hard difficult road (the application process is brutal, and the wait is LONG). But if you are the sort of person who can love others, then you will survive. I've met people who aren't truly capable of loving someone who isn't their own DNA, and they should avoid adoption as a choice.

I will confess to overwhelming anxiety when my screaming DD was placed into my arms. OMG, what have I done to her (taking her away from her life)? Can I do this? and screaming guilt were all that I felt, and an urge to protect this child.

I remember the moment I realised I had genuinely 'fallen in love' with my baby. We were playing on the floor, probably 6 weeks later, and we had giggles and fun, and trust. It hit me then, that I loved her enough to die from - and for. It took her a bit longer to discover 'love', in the same sort of way, but it did happen. Yes, we've had issues (attachment, speech delays, the god awful melamine contamination scare), but in every way, this girl is part of us to the core of our being, and will stay that way forever.

So, it may start out differently - and the road may be a bit bumpier - but yes, you will bond and attach to your child.

Oh, for what its worth, the Oxycytocin that is the 'love' hormone for mums and newborns is also found in mums and adoptive children, to the same levels after a few months, unless something disrupts the attachment process. My advice - do a lot of reading, and talk to people.

I second that - definitely terrible! Imagine the betrayal of trust that those children will feel when they eventually find out!

My DH seemed pretty unengaged in the whole adoption process. He was happy enough to go through the process but didn't seem quite as excited as me which worried me at times.

After we were placed he said that the reason he was unengaged was to protect himself in case it didn't work out. A bit of hope can be a dangerous thing and there are no guarentees with local adoption you will be placed at all.

As soon as I met my daughter I knew she was the one that I was waiting for, the one that was meant to be mine. It felt like I "knew" her already, within five minutes of picking her up and holding her. It felt like we bonded in about five minutes and she became the apple of her father's eye as soon as she threw him a glance.

We forget quite a lot that she is adopted because she is just our child. She knows she is adopted and she knows this means she has lot of people who love her, including two mums and dads. For now that has raised now real issues.

A friend of mine who has adopted and bio children summed it up this way, with bio children you feel instantantly like you know and love them because they were a part of you for nine months, with adopted children it is like falling in love all over again and who wouldn't want that high every few years!

What a great way of putting it!

Hi, I'm a parent to a biological child and a locally adopted child, so there is no obvious physical difference in how we look as a family.

I had the same reservations about how I'd feel towards our adopted child before he arrived. You do wonder if the connection will be as strong and the answer is an emphatic YES! It took about 2 weeks for me to adapt and to stop feeling like he wasn't ours, but I felt the same way with our bio child at first. It's a getting-to-know-you thing I think. After a month I couldn't distinguish my feelings between either child, both are such precious gifts.

Parenting an adopted child is different to a bio child. Our adopted son is 2 and we've already started reading him stories from books that are designed to introduce the idea of adoption. He will always know he came to us via adoption, although given we have contact with his birth father it's pretty much a given anyway.

The best way I can describe the difference is not a different love for each child but that in my bio child I'm constantly looking at stuff she does and trying to see 'where it comes from' ie: my husband or I. With my adopted child it's a very free way to parent because I have no expectations that he'll be good in sports, or music, or art...he is who he is and it's like a surprise package we open every day to see where his interests lie.

In short; same love, same connection. Just parenting from a different 'angle'.

Yes we can but mother should have that intimacy and love in her heart that she would have for her own child.

hannahthompson,

an adopted child IS YOUR OWN CHILD.

Your attitude, while common, is a real let down.

I am mum to 3 daughters and our last child is our foster son. He came to us aged 5 months in December 2008 and will be with us forever. Because reunification was attempted (doomed to fail) I did no to let myself go to start with (to protect myself emotionally). I fell in love with my son after an access visit and I missed him so dreadfully. He means the world to us and the only thing I did not do was give birth to him.

I have given birth, 3 times, so knew that experience I didn't need that again IYKWIM. He is the baby (now 2 year old) that I thought I would never experience again (babyhood). He gives me joy and pride.

I just wanted to say that I am so glad I came across this thread.

I have hit a bit of a wall with ttc and I have always thought about adoption.

I looked up some adoption websites on the internet the other day and there was a picture of a Chinese girl, about 6 months old and an orphan. Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt this overwhelming need to hold her. I said to DH that I have so much love to give that adopting a child would just be like having a biological child in my eyes.

DH was concerned that if we were to adopt, especially intercountry, that he would not feel a connection or true love for that child. At first I was angry and upset with him. But after thinking, I guess I can see where he is coming from and I did just throw it all on him. He did not say no to adoption, he said he just needs time to absorb it all. One thing I have learnt through this whole process is trying to value and respect your partner for being truthful and open. I suppose because I have lost so many pregnancies, I feel a strong urge to be a mum. Biological or not, they would be my child and I would love them with all of my heart. I can just feel it. Something just clicked and it feels like the right direction.

Now I am nervous that once DH gets his head around it, what happens if we are rejected, or never get a baby

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I am going to show them to DH tomorrow

Panda please consider fostering we registered as long term carers as our preference. The likelihood that a child will stay with you forever is very high (sadly). There are 33 000 kids in crisis in Australia alone and not enough foster parents, newborns and babies under 6 months are very very typical. have the right mind set and you will deal with it all ok. There are emotional ups and downs but to me you would not be human if this was not the case.

I'll 2nd Daliro, we opted to become short term cares in 2 years we have helped a number of babies. Nearly all have gone into long term care before their are 6months old and moved on to a long term foster families.
Four months ago a very little (2.3kg) one week old landed on our "feet step".When told he will stay in care we became his forever family (we had bonded with him within weeks)
The plan is to adopted the bub and when he is a little older foster again.There are so many babies/small children in care that need love even it is only for a short time in their journey of life.



Plan and simply, YES!

Thanks for the replies girls.

I have discussed fostering with my DH but he worries I will get my heart broken if the babies are taken back. He sees how much I suffer when I lose a baby and worries it will be worse if a foster baby/ child is taken away from me.

After hearing your encouragments, I might talk to him again.

Can I ask, are we still OK canditates if DH works full time and I work 3 days a week (as a teacher). We could afford child care etc for when I am at work but I am not sure if there are rules with docs. I also do not own carseats, cots, etc. Can you rent these things? Sorry if my questions sound stupid, I am new to this.

I understand what your DP is worried about it is very very hard to say goodbye. It is not easy and reunification is always on the cards.

We work with a agencie and I know they like you to be home full time so I'm not sure about Doc's.My DP works full time in a very stressful job and that didn't matter. Yes you can rent car seat etc.
As a foster carer there is a money that you receive(not a lot) that helps with the set up.

Your questions are not stupid as sometimes its hard to get info.

What state are you in?

Thank you

I live in NSW. I have just contacted Life Without Barriers (I sent them an online query). I am so nervous. Mostly I think I am nervous if I find it too difficult or if I become attached and the baby is taken off me.

Panda come over to the adoption thread - there are lots of people there who will be able to answer your questions. Sor scary and exciting at the start but so wonderful in the end, all worth it.