Hi TW.

I think that’s a great question and as a parent it’s something that I’ve considered from time to time, because when our kids do go visiting we can’t always control who else will be there.

I have asked Hetty Johnston, founder and executive director of the wonderful organisation Bravehearts Inc to help you out with a response.
“The first thing to say is always to trust your own instincts,” says Hetty. “Go with your gut feeling. Unless this is a common pattern for you, there is probably a good reason you feel the way you do - even if you don’t know what it is. Trust it. The potential to upset the little girl’s Mum by not letting your daughter go over to their house to play, pales into insignificance against the alternative potential that your child is unsafe.

But you raise another important observation. With the rising awareness of child sexual assault many parents are becoming almost paranoid. While this is understandable given one in five children are sexually assaulted in some way before their 18th birthday, this too is unfair to the child. Kids needs to be able to experience other people and to grow in their own confidence. They just need parents who will teach them how keep safe while they do it. As parents, we need to teach our children to recognise and trust their own instincts and support them whenever they feel or express a ‘NO’ feeling.”

TW, Hetty advises that the answer lies in education, both in terms of children and parents. “We wouldn’t think of letting our kids walk to school without first teaching them the road rules,” she says. “And we do this successfully without the need to describe the gory scene of a road accident. We can also successfully teach 3 to 8 year olds the road rules of personal safety and it do it without describing the gory scene of sexual assault.”

TW, if you’re unsure about how to talk with your daughter about personal safety issues then check out some of the fact sheets available on the Bravehearts website. Bravehearts also produces a CDrom called “Ditto's Keep Safe Adventure.” “It is not sex education, it is about personal safety generally - including bullying,” says Hetty. “It’s fun, it’s safe and it WORKS! It costs around $25.00 and represents the closest thing we have to insuring your child against sexual assault and other forms of harm. I recommend it to every parent in the nation with a child under 10 years old.”


And in the meantime, as Hetty said, trust your instinct. Personally I’d prefer to err on the side of caution!

Always go with your gut instinct, but I understand the need not to offend anyone.

Why not invite the mother for a coffee every time the kids play together at yours, then hopefully she will invite you to have a coffee at hers. Engineering a habit of a cuppa (if practicle) when the kids play means you are nearby and can probably get to know the husband a bit better, and maybe find that he isn't so bad.

You post immediately made me think of the Oprah show "How the Gift of Fear Can Save Your Life". I really believe in trusting your instinct and think if you are feeling uneasy then it's worthwhile to pursue why.

Part of the show was on how to keep your children safe from predators. Here is a link to the recap... http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/How-the-Gift...ave-Your-Life_1

I feel sort of like this around one Dad at school.

As an adult to adult I really enjoy his company but I feel like I don't "get" him and I can't put my hand on my heart and say I trust him 100%. Nothing has happened to make me distrust him but I do find his child's behaviour unusual. She seems very "flirty" and adult for her age. I spoke to DH about it and he said that she is definitely the only 7 year old her knows who tries to flirt with him.

This dad asked me to have his daughter overnight and she had never even visited our house before. That seemed strange to me in some way. Like he wasn't taking the usual precauctions with his own child if you understand what I mean.

I think instincts should be trusted 100% I will definitely use mine to guide me.

We are all scared of stories we hear about, but I am sure you don't think this about everyone you meet. So in my opinion, trust your instinct. It isn't worth it if something happens. Good luck.

From my own personal experience, I strongly suggest you trust your instinct. I think when an 'instinct dilemma' arises, you have to ask yourself "what I'm right" versus "what if I'm wrong", and I'm sure you can clearly see here that the two possible outcomes aren't equally weighted in risk. Feel confident in your decision, the other mother might be upset but the chances are if she felt the same about your DH she wouldn't hesitate to do the same. It's nobody's job to protect your child but yours, and you don't need to explain it to anyone.

I've had that niggling feeling about someone before, where nothing concrete at all was evident, yet tiny little comments or looks here and there made me uneasy and I couldn't pinpoint why. Years later it turned out I'd been 100% right in the worst way, so please, please don't feel guilty for trusting yourself. If her DH is normal and fine, there's still no real harm done. Perhaps if you really want the kids to maintain contact you can suggest a coffee at a playcentre with the mum instead.

Mumofsky, your post just gave me goosebumps - literally. Great advice, and you are so right - when it comes to balancing the "what-if I'm right/wrong" question, there's no doubt as to which answer is more significant.

I grew up in an Eastern European country. Even though my parents are highly educated intellectuals, as a child I was never explained the PERSONAL SAFETY rules, I was never warned there might be adults out there wanting to hurt me in some way... and so I was subjected to abuse from strangers, in the form of visual sexual molestation (flashing), from a fairly early age of around 7-8 (the earliest episode I can recall), to the ripe age of 21, and I was frozen and physically and mentally paralised every time it happened, I never called for help, I didn't know what to do, I just knew it was very scary and very wrong... But I could not even bring myself to tell my parents or grandparents... and they only learnt about it when I was in my 30s...
Now I am a mum myself, and I am not sure how I can protect my daughter from this kind of harm, because I know from my own feelings and the effect this had on me, that no matter what you say to a child, being exposed to something like that scares you so much, you can't talk, you can't walk, you can't run, you can't hide... I wonder if I could have coped with my molestations better, had my mum spoken to me about it... But how do you say to a 6-7 year old "If a man in a coat comes near you and shows you his penis, and wants you to go with him, please, don't"??? How do you convey this? How do you instil the fear without corrupting your child with your own words? Will she not end up growing paranoid and terrified of everyone if you try to tell her this could be ANYONE ANYWHERE ANY TIME???
I am very very worried about this issue, even though my child is only a toddler now.
I am 37 but the sight of an adult man exposing himself (and yes, I still see them every now and again in Sydney, although very rarely) still freaks me out and freezes me on the spot... just like it did when I was 7, 12, 15 and 21...
Any thoughts, anyone?

And people wonder why men feel so emasculated and left out of their child's lives these days!!! It's irrational paranoia like this that destroys the fabric of a community, and gives a bad name to the 99.9% of loving Fathers out there.

Just because they're male doesn't mean they're a paedophile!

Stop reading the ridiculous over-coverage and over-reactions of the mainstream media on these issues, and just get out there and respect your fellow man.

Very well and good David, but we are given instincts for a reason. I say use them and trust them.

Instincts are one thing, but when you specifically say that you have no reason to distrust the person, have never heard anything negative about them, and have never actually seen any semblance of a problem, then instinct MUST give way to rationality. There's hardly an important decision made in this world that was successful purely on instinct. Decisions like this require rational thought ... not some pseudo-science hokum.

then instinct MUST give way to rationality

I don't agree at all. Man or woman, if they are making your instincts scream then there is a reason and I would trust that.

Just because they're male doesn't mean they're a paedophile!

And I totally agree.

I am big believer in parental instinct. It exists for a reason.

Plain and simple don't let your child near this person. Better to be safe than sorry. You don't want to look back at this in years to come and think if only I hadn't done that. The risk is far too high.
I do like the idea that has been suggested already of turning it into a coffee catch up as well as a play date. This way you can keep an eye on things and your child doesn't miss out.

I agree that instinct should not give way to rationality when it comes to this. I've seen this ignored by someone who then learned, more than 10 years down the track, that the carer had abused the child they were concerned for. This perpetrator gave no cues and there was no evidence to suggest they would do anything untoward. This perpetrator was also a woman. So male or female, if you don't feel good about leaving your child with someone, then don't do it.

Just to add another dimension to this, I also think that kids themselves can have an "instinct" with certain people.

When I was 9 I did Judo and really enjoyed it until a second instructor started with our group. I really liked the main instructor (who was male) but this new guy gave me the creeps. I distinctly remember hating the way he looked at me (like a lingering almost loving?! look). I told my mum about it straight away and that was it for her, I never went back. He never got the chance to do anything inappropriate to me, but I'm glad I didn't have to hang around to find out!

My point is, I feel lucky that I had a mum I was really close to and was encouraged to talk to her about anything. At the age of 9 I had no idea what a pedophile was but all I knew was that something didn't feel right. The other instructor didn't look at me like that!

Talking to your children about how a particular person makes them feel could also give you some clues? Just a thought....

Wow I completely disagree with this. I have had countless instincts with some men that have had no explainable reason for a negative perception, and yet I have 95% ended up being right. The other 5% I guess I'll never know. I agree with the notion that we should never distrust anyone, be it male or female, for no reason. But an instinct is an instinct and at the risk of sounding sexist, perhaps women's instinct is in fact a lot stronger than a man's, because whenever I have this instinct and tell my husband, he usually never feels the same way, but chooses to go with my instinct just in case.
We should always trust our instinct. A child's safety is top priority and goes above and beyond avoiding the risk of acting paranoid. The same goes for a child's instinct, keep your communication open and trust their instincts as much as your own, as their feeling of safety is your responsibility.

Totally agree with this 100%. Had the same feeling towards a couple of men when I was about 5-10. There was one particular guy (my older sister's friend) who gave me way too much attention and I used to plead with my sister to not make me talk to him or let him sit next to me, however back in the day there was not much room for kid's opinions or instincts. Listen to your kids, because even if nothing ever happened, there will still be that feeling with them that they were never heard by you.

I work in child care and we have to do courses of child protection.

I found them very informative as you are given helpful tools about how to make your children less at risk.

Molesters like to train and manipulate children 'that will not tell anyone', they do not go for kids that speak up, are loud and confident, and are too risky at keeping the secret. They also spend a lot of time and effort grooming them too.

I plan to inform my kids of their rights and how it's ok to speak out, yell for help, say 'NO' and hopefully make them confident enough that they are too risky to approach.

If you can go and do a course on child protection, it is very eye opening but it doesn't make you run out and accuse every Tom, d*ck and Harry. You too become informed of what to look for.

You can do courses privately or through TAFE.

Ofcourse the courses can make you very emotional too! But well worth it.

Thats my two cents.

Every time I have ignored my instincts I have regretted it later when it turned out they were right.

When I was a kid my instinct told me the extra friendly relationship my dad had with my cousin wasn't right. I didn't know why, just that it didn't feel normal.
I don't need to say what he was up to, just that she finally told someone over 10 years later

I agree that instincts are important to listen to, but I think that you need to go with your child's instincts over yours. You might have a dodgy feeling about someone completely harmless, but what if your child is 100% relaxed with them? I think kids who are confident, happy, and secure actually have FAR better instincts than most adults. Two examples from my own experiences:

When I was a young child of about 6-8 my parents were friends with a couple who had two little girls about my age. I loved playing with the girls, but the Dad made me feel very uncomfortable. I never understood why then, but I hated being at their house when he was there. And I recall one time my parents were going to leave me there overnight while they went away, but I begged not to have to stay there. My mother thought I was being horribly rude about this man (and terribly inconsiderate of her and Dad!), but thankfully listened to me and made other arrangements. Whatever my parent's link to the couple was eventually died off and we stopped spending time with them -much to my relief. Many years later when I was 15 or so I was there when a mutual acquaintence of my mother's and the girls' mother told her that the father had been sexually abusing his daughters for years before it came out. My parents sensed nothing, I knew there was something wrong about him.

But on the other side of the coin...

A couple of years back I first had exposure to a woman who volunteered at our local creche who made me feel very "odd". I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt something wasn't 100% about her. She never met my eye when we talked, and seemed in a hurry to get away when I tried to talk to her. I was slightly concerned about my kids with her (though they were never alone with her) until one day we were walking in the same direction after creche, and my eldest (who was all of 3 at the time) reached up and took the woman's hand. My DD literally led this woman across the road, and then gave her a gentle pat on the arm at the other side before waving goodbye and hopping in the car with me. On the way home I asked her why she took XX's hand, and she replied "So she could get across the road safely with us, Mummy". Asking the centre director about XX the next time I was there, I discovered that the volunteer had an intellectual disability...so what I took as shifty, evasive behaviour was just a very shy, mentally 12-year old girl in a woman's body. My 3 year old adored her and wanted to protect her. My "instincts" were off, but DD's were right on.

Anyway, I guess my point is to "listen" to your kids with your eyes and ears. My children are assertive, vocal little girls with a strong sense of social justice and fair play. So if my kids feel safe and protected with someone, that's good enough for me. I can tell almost immeadiately if THEY don't like someone, or feel insecure with someone, and I go with their instincts on that one. I was a child who loved to hug and kiss and jump and climb all over people I liked, and my two daughters are the same...but unlike my parents I would never force or guilt my kids into kissing "Uncle Brian" or spending solo time with "Aunty Joan".

Always go with your gut instinct. It is the one thing that can protect you and your kids.

I'm not saying all men are pedophiles as a PP has mentioned, but the fact of the matter is that the rate of child abuse is huge and you HAVE to trust your instincts about people you meet.

It might be as simple as just not getting along with them or seeing their views differently. But it COULD be something more.

My Mum didn't trust her instinct. I paid for it with many years of sexual abuse as a child.

When I was 19, I went on a date and my instinct said was to get away from this guy but I didn't because I thought I was making a fuss over nothing. Then was date raped.

Most recently - as in a couple of months ago I found out something about a man who was a friend of my nanna's. I used to see him fairly often at special occasions where he would come along. I hated the guy and had no idea why. My skin would crawl and he gave me the creeps but I had no reason not to like him. I decide to put my feelings aside and ignore the instinct for my nanna's sake. Then we find out a couple of months ago that he is a paedophile that has abused a huge amount of little boys (i can't remember the number but I was shocked to the core). He's been in jail before and he was taken off in handcuffs a couple of months ago because he was still doing it!!

Always go with the gut. Being 'rational' isn't always right.

I would 100% go with my instincts if I had a gut feeling about someone. These days I always follow my instincts as I know from past experience that I've lived to regret the times I didn't.

I'm not saying your fears are always founded, that is, just because you have a creepy feeling about someone, doesn't mean they ARE a child abuser. Howevr, I am a highly rational, logical person, and when your instincts kick in about something this serious, I can't understand how you wouldn't follow them and risk the unimaginable happening.

I think this is fantastic advice. It is important especially because it shows your child that you (and they) can and should take their feelings seriously - that if they feel uncomfortable with a situation then they (or someone else) can and should put a stop to it. This is so important in getting kids to speak out if ever anything does happen.

The book "Blink" by Malcom Gladwell has some interesting things to say about first impressions and gut instincts. He does say that your intuition can be surprisingly perceptive, but there are also situations where it can be corrupted by stereotypes and likes/dislikes, eg: prejudice can operate at an intuitive unconscious level, even in individuals whose conscious attitudes are not prejudiced. I can't really remember all the details about it, but I seem to remember you are more likely to be wrong making a snap judgment about someone (as in a first impression) than when you have spent a bit more time with them and have more "data" (conversations/facial expressions/body language etc) to base your "gut instinct" on - of course though by this time you have already got a "first impression" so it is not all so straightforward.

I like the idea of asking the child how they feel - they may well have a feeling for the situation, but in any event it lets them know that their comfort level with a situation is important and should be taken into account. Although I guess if you as a parent have a very strong feeling then supervising contact is probably a reasonable precaution because the possible harm far outweighs the difficulty of doing this.

The best advice I've ever been given in relation to children being able to say no is respect their boundaries first. Never make a child hug or kiss you or someone else if they don't want to, teach them it's OK to say no to being touched when they don't want to be.
Tell them if someone makes them do something they don't want to do for them to tell someone and they will be protected.
If a child feels uncomfortable around someone never dismiss their feelings, respect them.
Let them know that touching where swimmers cover is something only adults in a loving relationship are allowed to do. And it's against the law for someone to touch their private parts or for you to touch theirs until they are an adult.

It speaks volumes that the one poster to object to the use of women's intuition here was a man.

I am bloody horrified that there are irresponsible w*n*ers like that finding a voice on here, telling mothers to go against their motherly instinct and leave their kids unsupervised with men they feel uncomfortable around. What's your interest in it? Why do you care so much if she wants to protect her child?

To say instinct must give way to rationality is absurd. If I'd chosen to follow instinct over rationality, my DD would never have been allowed to be in the occasional care of her father who was (as most here know) later convicted on child pornography offences. I'm not proud of that but by god I'll say it if another mother wonders on EB whether she's imagining something and is getting told by men she's never met to shut up and ignore her instincts about the protection of her child so as to avoid the emasculation of men. I had nothing concrete either on DD's father, nobody had ever said anything bad about him - but I just felt weird. So if you want evidence of one successful decision based on instinct, imagine I had trusted mine and kept DD away from that monster, and that would have been one.

Seriously, it's too dangerous a topic for the blackshirts to get all political on. It makes me mad. sorry.

I'm not going to say one way or the other what to do or not do. My son is too young so I have never been in this situation of visiting others alone. I am really interested in everyone's opinion on this though.

I'm just wondering if OP's child has displayed any different behavior after they are picked up, even if they return to normal quickly afterward? If something untoward was happening surely there would be some change in the child even temporarily? Even it's just that they're a bit quiet or something?

Has anyone found out that a child has been abused, even in a minor way, but there has been no change in the child's behavior whenever they are around this person or immediately after? I think what I'm asking is has anyone's thoughts been right when the ONLY thing they had to go on was their own instinct?

Like PP's have said, and coming from a position of no experience here, to me it makes more sense that maybe the child's instincts or behavior are the better guide for this.

I always trust my gut instinct.

I do have a question though. How would you react if someone said their child or they got a "icky" feeling about your husband/partner/father or even yourself etc and refused to let their child around them. Would you be offended and dismiss their concerns or would you be open to the possibilty that maybe just maybe their is a good reason for them to have that "instinct".

I think it's important that if you don't trust anyone (male or female) that you trust your instincts and protect your child. It's not just about sexual abuse. If you decide you want to supervise your child or not leave them alone with someone you don't trust, I would definitely suggest trusting that feeling.

My mum had an instinct about my best friend's dad when I was 5, and I never went to their house when the mother wasn't home. Then once the mother went up to the corner store while I was there and we were out the back playing and while she was out the dad smacked us both. We had done something naughty although not on purpose - and in any case that's no excuse to spank someone else's child. I never went back to their house again - we only played at our place after that.

This has been a very interesting read. I am another who feels its very important to listen to instinct. I agree, if you ignore those instincts and later find out they were spot on all along, could you ever forgive yourself?

I also agree that its a shame that some people wrongly assume all men are paedophiles (especially men who work in female dominated occupations or jobs where they have lots of contact with children), and it is a problem in our society that some still feel this way about men in general. However, the OP wasn't talking about all men in general, she mentioned a specific individual who she feels uncomfortable with...that is a very big difference to assuming that all men in general should be considered paedophiles until proven otherwise.

FWIW, I have very similar feelings towards one of our relatives. This guy has given me the absolute creeps from the minute I met him. I can't explain it, or put my finger on what it is exactly that bothers me, but I just can't shake this feeling I get when I am around him, and I simply don't trust him. We have plenty of other male relatives however, who I would feel 100% comfortable with caring for my kids...but not this guy. I feel terrible about it, but just can't shake it.

I would rather listen to my instincts and be cautious, than ignore them for the sake of "being nice" and see something unthinkable happen to my children.

I would listen to my gut instinct, and have done so with both men and women, this includes who I trust with my childrens care, and who I don't.

Can't add enough weight to the school of 'listen to your instincts". The older I get, the more I realise how often they are end up being right.

And life is full of tricky situations where you have to figure out how to be true to your principles and hopefully not offend innocent bystanders. This is just one of them.

When my step daughter was young - 5 - she was obssessed with seeing me naked. She used to stalk outside the bathroom to see me without clothes on. Given my own background with a neighbourhood father who tried it on with me at 12, you can imagine how challenging I found this; how did I talk to her about such a delicate subject without frightening her? Talk about it at her level, not shock her out of her childhood?

The answer I can up with was this "the only two people that you need to see without their clothes on are mummy and daddy". To which she then stalked her mum, saw what she wanted to see, and then it was all back to normal. It was the best I could come up with..

Mumofsky, I am so so sorry for you and your DD that you had such an experience. No words can express just how crap life can be sometimes.

I feel like this about my dad. Don't know why, I just do...which makes leaving kids there for any amount of time weird, as I don't actually have any good reason really.

If men would like to regain their fragile sense of masculinity, they need to as a group, fight against the abuse of women and children. That is your innate role you w*n*er, to protect. you are the protectors and yet you fail fail fail, over and over again. you tell women, and I must assume, children, to ignore their instincts because your sense of selves may be eroded...harden the **** up pin d*ck.

When you can come on here and tell me that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 10 boys are not molested any more because of the men who have stood up, dealt with their own demons and stopped abusing children, then you may have some merit to what you have to say. At this point, whilst you are not fulfilling your role as protector, you will remain emasculated, because you aren't a bloody man.

This story sent shiver's up my spine, same situation of my daughter and I just 18 months ago, I ignored my instinct and my child suffered for it.
She was abused by her friend's father.
I now ALWAYS trust this instinct

that would have to be one of the hardest things to deal with. We all spend so much energy trying to shield our kids from harm, for it to happen anyway would be so devastating. sorry this happened to your daughter, and...to you.

I agree go with your instincts ... I agree that 99.9% of the time you get those feelings for a reason.
My daughter since she was a toddler hated my best friends partner ... It was obvious to see to evreyone now shes older if me and my friend want to dash to the shops he offers to watch my daughter with his own 2 girls but i still decline. He did ask me one day and i told him straight out that i didnt feel comfortable he totaly understood but in saying that ive known this guy since primary school, so i know hes a nice guy , but just a little gruff in the way he speaks. Do i think hes a pedophile ? NO lol but i think its a parents choice who they have around there children. So to answer a previous posters question how would you feel if someones child said that .. he never took offense to it , My bestfriend even agreed that a child shouldnt be forced to stay with someone. But if it happened to me id probably wonder why ? Or was my attitude towards them mean or scarey in some way etc

I'm so sorry Elindanjah, that that happened to your family. xxxooo

on top of trusting our own instincts is allowing children to have and honor their own instincts.

In our culture it is encouraged of children to kiss elderly relatives hello/ goodbye. My mother never forced us to do this, and I would never force my child to either. If they dig their heels in and don't want to, it is really detrimental to force them to. You are basically saying, "I know you feel uncomfortable, but saving face is more important then your feelings right now". A lesson that may prove dangerous in the face of a child feeling comfortable enough to say "NO, I do not want to do that" to an adult.

I still see people every day trying to force their children to do this.

This annoys me to no end. You should never be made to kiss anyone if you don't want to. A polite 'goodbye' will suffice.

Quite a few years ago I was horrified when my 2 year old niece was made to kiss her older aunt even though my niece really didn't want to. Her mum said she had to or she wasn't going to get dessert or something. So she goes to kiss the aunt on the cheek and the aunt shifts her face so my niece has to kiss her on the lips!

It gave me the creeps and I won't let my child anywhere near her. It wasn't an accident either. I believe that there is nobody you should have to kiss on the lips!

I suggest you read Gavin de Becker's "Protecting the Gift". In brief, it explains why in a situation such as this , your instinct (or your fear) is the most powerful tool you have in protecting your child. Gut instinct is a primal weapon, developed millenia before rational human thought. If you go against your instinct in this case, you are essentially gambling your child's emotional and physical security. It is NOT worth the risk.

And David_Johnson? Get off this forum, troll. If your primary concern is the emasculation of males instead of the welfare of the particular child in this particular case, you are in the wrong place.

IMHO, I think that David_Johnson's comments have been at least partially taken out of context and blown up into a "men's feelings are more important than children's safety" argument.

I agree that there should not be an automatic distrust of all men - or if there is (due to concern about pedophilia) I agree that it is a shame for the majority of men who should be equal contributors to the bringing up of children in our community. If my partner was automatically distrusted from watching our friends' kids then I think this would be terrible - he has much to offer and kids need good male role models.

But if a parent or child felt uncomfortable or a parent wasn't happy to leave their kids with someone they didn't know very well - be they a man or a woman - then I think this is simply good parenting.

I would go with your gut instinct, my best friend in primary school (and who is still my best friend 24 years later) step father abused her for years and it only came out when we were 13.

When we met at age 9 my Mum would reluctantly let me stay there for a while and eventually said no althogether, I chucked tantrums, said I hated her etc and at that age couldn't understand why she was being so mean.

At the time she just said to me she had a bad feeling about it and was not comfortable for me to stay the night, I am grateful she trusted her instinct and didn't give in to me wanting to sleep over.

I agree, always trust your instinct. I saw the show Oprah did on fear and your instincts and it just reinforced what I have always believed, that 'nagging' feeling is just your instinct kicking in warning you to be careful. Never second guess it especially when it comes to your kids! Stick to your guns...and if you have to make excuses, then do so, or I agree invite them to your house for a play.

The instinct which warns me about an individual person is completely separate from my general view on whether people are trustworthy or not.

I have no issue with "men" or "women" but there are certain individuals which leave me feeling uncomfortable. I don't believe that instinct is the opposite of scientific. I think our brains, especially womens' which are wired differently, are very good at taking in an enormous amount of information almost immediately and then matching that information against past experiences, stereotypes, etc Much of that processing would not be fully conscious but that does not mean it's airy fairy. It's part of our basic survival mechanisms.

I only wish I'd had the confidence to follow my instincts when I was eight years old.....

Yes I would definitely agree with this, just because someone isn't a paedophile isn't a reason to ignore your child's instincts about them. If your child voices their opinion to you that they aren't comfortable around them, then just listen to them and you will in turn have a deeper and more trusting relationship with your child. I believe this will also help to make them a confident and independant person who is able to value their own opinion as well as others.
My friend's 2 year old got a terrible scare from my husband as he rode in towards her on his massive mountain bike all geared up with a full face helmet and a full face of black hair! She used to love him but when she saw him like that she started screaming and ever since then has been uncomfortable around him. My husband is embarrassed but doesn't take offence in the slightest. He even mentioned to me that it's good she is so well voiced and confident in her own instincts, and hopes our own baby will grow to be like this. That being said, my friend has explained to her daughter that my husband 'did look very scary that day, but it was just because he was on a big bike', yet didn't squander her daughters feelings about the situation and didnt force her to go near him.
It's been about a year since that happened, and her daughter is now content to sit next to him and chat without remembering the 'bike incident'. This is a good example of just being open and letting your child work through their feelings about someone, without dismissing them. If your friend/s are decent and logical people, they will understand this and not be offended.

I have these feelings about a friend of DH's. I know him and his wife and really they are lovely people but the guy always undressers me with his eyes always makes comments about I am only second to his wife WTF? how much a part of our family he is blah blah blah. He got fired from one job for apparently saying sexual things to a fellow employee which he denied over and over again. I have never felt comfortable around him and whenever he comes over he goes in for the hello kiss which I ignore and always move away. The last time he was here when they were leaving he grabbed me and put his hand on my neck and kissed me it was like something my DH would do, DH saw this and after they left said what was that about. My problem is I now have a DD who is 21 mths and loves being with people, hugging, kissing, playing that sort of thing. I will not leave her alone with him for a second. I was sick one day and he came over after work, I was having a lie down and DH went outside to get something. My room is next door to DD's room and I heard her playing in there, next minute I hear him talking to her which is what got my attention. She was showing him her toys next minute she says I did poo change my nappy, he said ok well I jumped out of bed and by the time I got there (2 seconds max) he had her on the change table still clothed, I said what are you doing he said she needs a nappy change and I said that's fine i'll do it and he said no you lie down i've got it i've changed my boys nappies when they were babies and I said get out and will change her nappy you have no business doing it. He apologised and left but I was shaking, he may not have done anything to her but there was no way in hell I was going to sit back and find out.

2boyzandagirl- i think the way this male is towards you is not only weird but sickening. If I were you I would end the friendship, if he makes you feel that uncomfortable when near you or your child he obviously isnt what you would call a friend. Even if you had it out with him about how inaproriate he is towards you, would it really make the firendship better?

I am also in 100% agreement to follow your insticts, even if you are not right, I wouldnt leave it to find out

2boyzandagirl, I agree with mellyeli 100% on this. I had a boyfriend years ago, who's father used to do this thing to me . This is slightly different to the topic being discussed, but it is a great example of instinct. This guy (the boyfriend's father) seriously thought he was God's gift to women - he had the slick, black hair, used to work out heaps, rode a Harley, had heaps of tattoos etc and just thought he was hot property. Even my own father's secret nick-name for this guy was "FIGJAM". Whenever I'd turn up there, he'd make a beeline for me, put his hands on either side of my face and pull me gently towards him and try to kiss me on the lips I even noticed he was a bit like this around his own daughter a couple of times. And it was not a quick "hello" peck either. He was seriously gross and full of himself. He also had quite a porno stash hidden around his house and watched them every single night, sex was obviously his number 1 priority. Not only did his sleaziness give me the creeps, but I just didn't trust him, I always thought he was into dodgy stuff, and never felt easy around him. Basically, I felt he was very untrustworthy, despite his overly-friendly & "nice" outward appearances.

His poor wife was so lovely, but very, very slow. I honestly don't think she ever picked up on his sleaziness. I eventually broke up with the son (not because of the father, but I have to admit, that was just one thing I couldn't handle). A couple of years down the track, I heard along the grapevine this guy's father left his wife, had been having affairs on her for pretty much their whole married life, and had been involved in "illegal activities". Even girls the ex went out with after me told him his father was "a sleaze". Unfortunately the ex-bf was as slow as his mother though, and went into business with his father. Turns out, his own father was swindling all the money out of the business (he was supposedly the manager & bookkeeper), drained the bank accounts dry, and p*ssed off, leaving his own son with debts and a business worth bugger-all.

My point is, from day 1 I felt uneasy about this guy, I could never put my finger on it, there was never one thing, or one exact moment that made me feel this way, I just didn't trust him and didn't feel comfortable about him. Turns out my instincts were right, and I'm glad I always tried to keep my distance from him.

Instinct is a very powerful thing, it must never be disregarded.

After years of being 'educated' and being taught how to use my critical thinking in a very rational way, I've just read a book which is completely changing my view on how I see and make these sort of decisions.

This book, called Blink is pretty much about how we make snap decisions or judgements about people, issues, situations etc - within a blink of an eye. I guess it could be referred to as 'instinct' but it has quite a scientific basis - and is based on how our unconscious mind makes rapid decisions about things without our conscious mind necessarily understanding this in a rational way.

I'd also trust "instinct" now after reading this book - and highly recommend this read if you're interested. I could never make up my mind about my own instincts beforehand after being so influenced to maintain rationality.

Well, this is a topic that no man is going to win...

As a Dad of a 5yo DD, AND the husband of both a Sexual Assault Counsellor / Counsellor, I have been well educated about this stuff from Day 1 of my relationship with DW. For those of you who were giving David_J a hard time, the poor guy has the same frustrations I and many caring men have around this topic, but probably not the insight into the female side of the equation. I agree with David_ in that we have to be careful of too much "cotton-wooling the kids" and tagging all men as predators. It's more important though that we (Mum, Dad, Kids) have to be more EDUCATED and AWARE around this topic.

Our DD has been read her "Its my Body" book since she was around 2 and she has been told about good/bad secrets and lies for about the same length of time. Of course she still lies about the mess in the kitchen, etc. but at the end of the day she always comes clean when we stress the importance of any "tricky" situations.

AS for gut instincts - us men just need to let the Mums go with that one. I've seen proof enough to think it's something almost supernatural between Mum's and their kids when it comes to danger so I'd prefer to p*ss off the neighbours (given the 80-90% of perpetrators being family/close friends you had better be a little paranoid at times). I've seen my wife pick up on signals you wouldn't believe (some of which I've also picked up on) and she has also given the all clear for guys I would have swore she wouldn't as well, and we've been fine so far.

I guess its up to each parent at the end of the day to do what's comfortable for them. But, given the dozens of stories I've heard from my wife over the years, and the fact it (paedophilia) is so bloody prevalent its almost a standard topic on crime shows/current affairs these days (watch the movie Taken and then let your daughter out of your sight!), I am very happy to sacrifice a little of my own "paranoia" and "rationality" to any gut instinct if it means my little DD will never have to be one of the stories I so ofter hear about.

Enjoy parenting - and keep educating you and your family - THAT's what keeps them safest at the end of the day

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