Tricky one, Sam. Your two sons really like each other, but the friendship leaves you feeling like an unpaid nanny. It sounds as though you definitely need to do something about it – the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

What to do, though, is the question, so I have asked Sydney-based clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon for some suggestions, and the thrust of it is, Sam, that perhaps what you need is a good dose of assertiveness!

“For her own peace of mind she needs to speak up,” says Amanda. “She needs to assert herself and not be an unpaid nanny and to do this sooner rather than later. It would be quite easy to do it in a nice way: she could simply say to the mother that she is happy to do what she can, but that she isn’t able to do as much as is currently being asked of her.”

Sam, according to Amanda one of two things is likely to happen when you do this:

1. The other Mum could take it on board in a matter of fact way and ease off on the requests. “Sam may be putting expectations on herself that are not shared by other mother,” says Amanda. “The other mother may be quite happy if she says no and may in fact be quite surprised that she’s always saying yes.”

Or

2. It may be a catalyst for re-evaluating the whole friendship. “If there is truly obligation expected on the part of the other mother, then it may not ultimately be a friendship that can be sustained,” suggests Amanda. “Ultimately if it can’t tolerate her saying this then it’s probably not a real friendship anyway.


Either way though, speaking up probably better than keeping quiet. At best you’ll maintain your friendship, but with a lot less demands on your babysitting time. At worst – well, as Dr Gordon said it probably wasn’t a real friendship anyway. Either way I don’t think it would affect your kids – they’ll be very happy playing together at daycare anyway.

This happened to a friend of mine recently - she was being treated like a doormat by another 'friend'. In the end she simply started saying no to her requests or offering a compromise to some of the things she was being asked to do. They have now drifted apart quite a bit but at least there are real boundaries set now.

Stand up and say no, be nice but just explain that you already have things planned or that you cannot fit in her request at this time.

Good Luck

I have a friend who was becoming excessively clingy with me as our daughters are the same age. It started off slowly. We live 30 minutes apart but she would drive out of her away to enroll her daughter into all the same activities as mine. Swimming, dancing etc. Then she would back to my house afterwards uninvited and stay until the cows came home. She became worse when she had children. I would invite her over for a coffee at 9:30am in the morning so our girls could also have a play. She would still be there 9 o'clock at night. I just started saying we weren't home or we had something on all the time. Now I only bump into her occasionally every 6-8 months or so. I never bothered having a 'talk' with her as I had become so worn down by her that I wasn't interested in maintaining any kind of friendship anyway.

I can't believe no one has yet picked up on the phrase "I feel that... saying 'no' would be confrontational". This is a common problem for women, who often feel that they must please everyone. It is OK to say no!

The only way this other woman is going to stop taking advantage of you is if you stand up for yourself. You don't have to just say "NO!" and leave it there; be assertive. Tell her, "I'm sorry, Lady, we can't have Son over this weekend. Perhaps (name a date that might suit you)". Avoid being offensive, but don't feel like you have to explain yourself. Dropping hints and making excuses might eventually give her the idea, but it will take forever and it is quite a passive-aggressive way to deal with the issue.

Good luck sorting this out.

I had a friend like this - she was always asking myself or my husband to help them out either look after their kids (for hours!) or do something to help them around the house (they weren't very handy and my DH is). I also had the problem of not being able to say NO until I asked her to watch my sleeping DD for 45 mins while I had to rush my DS to the Dr in an emergency and she said 'no I have to wash my hair before I go to the hairdresser (her appoint was 3 hours later and they live 50m away ). After that I decided well I am now going to say no too.

Since this we hardly see them and when they have called and asked us to do things I just say no sorry that doesn't suit me or if she comes over and I am busy I just say sorry I am busy doing bla bla.

I have finally learnt to be assertive with her (even if it took the best part of 10 years!)

I still feel guilty every now and again about pretty much cutting them off but then I remind myself that friendship is 2 way and you need to be able to give something of yourself and not just take.

I would be saying no as well - sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. Why would she ask to drop her child at your house to play because she has got things to do? Take the kid with you! And who the hell asks to invite the child for a sleep over? What happened to waiting to be asked? I would only do that if I know a friend would do it for me. I guess if she did the same thing for you or you could work out a roster then that would be great but no - that is pushing the boundary to far.

archiesmummy - that is just plain selfish as far as i am concerned.

You have said that you find her favours a "little imposing" and you don't want to avoid confrontation - so I would suggest that next time she asks for you for a favour that you don't particularly want to do, perhaps say "unfortunately I can't do it this time, I have another committment on, maybe next time". If she presses you for information, just say it's a personal matter you have to attend to. That way you aren't saying no but you are letting her know you are not at her beck & call.

You also haven't mentioned anywhere that you actually like her or want to maintain a friendship with her which I find odd (or that your son & her son are particularly good friends).

If it were me, I would just tell her the truth - whilst I am happy to help out occasionally, I feel that the favours have become imposing and are encroaching on my personal family time, they impact your ability to look after your other kids and complete your own personal tasks, e.t.c. Sometimes (mainly selfish) people don't see that they are an imposition - they ask once, you say yes, so they keep asking you because they keep getting the answer they want to hear - yes!

As for the "hounding" you with constant calls, texts e.t.c. - that is just wrong. You really need to put a stop to that. Either ignore it altogether or SAY SOMETHING TO HER! I don't understand why you can't just tell her the truth? If she's a good friend she'll apologise and make an effort to either change of offer you some sort of reward (not that I'm saying you're asking for one), and if she isn't a real friend, at least you'll get rid of her & her demands (and phonecalls & emails & texts!).

Good luck, I hope you sort this out soon.

Just to be really clear: there is only one "b**ch from Hell" in this story, and it isn't you.

I agree, this person must have some nerve to invite her child over for a sleep over. She's either a complete fool and unaware how impolite this is or is purposely taking advantage. She's being very rude, so really you shouldn't feel at all bad about refusing her requests. Next time she asks for a favour, you could tell her you have a goal to spend more family time (only) together on weekends/evenings and will not be able to help her out as often as you'd (she'd) like. Otherwise just be less available.

My mother in law made a demand on us that when her other grand daughter turns 16yrs old myself and my husband have to have a spare room in our home and let her live with us!!
Myself and my husband were speechless!! We couldnt believe it!! We are nice people but not stupid!! This grand daughter (our little girls cousin) our niece we have not even built a great relationship with her. Only a very surface level one due to the mother of this girl (our niece) only wanting to keep it at surface level -as she is a single mum and lives defacto on and off with our mother in laws son (my hubbys brother) - our mother in law feels that this single mum has brought this kid up in a backwards way and she sees how we live and thinks we have more to offer!! Wow we do not want to take this up!! If she brings it up again we are going to say "no no no" We are not comfortable with this at all!! I still cant believe my mother in law demanded this!! Do these sort of selfish people ever heard of asking first!! Not demanding things!!! This child (our niece) has a mother and a father!!! Anyway we have our life and we want our life to be respected!! As i said if she brings it up again we are saying
a big fat "NO" we are not comfortable with this at all!!! NO WAY!! I want to know where these people get off!!! I believe in somethink that i learnt from very young " Be careful of what you ask for in others as you will have to be prepared for when they ask them of
you!! My mother in law and my hubbys brother and his partner have done zero for us, so that is why we are so surprised. We have always shown them respect but unfortunately they dont always give it back. As i said we might be nice but we are not stupid!! Relationships are give and take, and if they are not give and take its not a real relationship, its called using you !!! When you say a no to this friend of yours, you will see there true colours , if they disappear on you that means they were just using you, if they start giving not just taking then they have realised. If they are using you, you are better off without them. There is more healthier friends out there (that give and take) to hang around!! Dont be afraid to say a big fat no to this person. She is exploiting you, taking advantage of your kindness, learn to say NO!!!

Great advice!