I totally agree - you're organising the party and you can choose not to invite peoples children and I dont agree with your friend asking to bring her children as then other guests will have something to say about the preferential treatment...

But then I can see her side as I have already been in this postition twice.. Both invites were from family who know that we have a DD 19 mths. I am lucky that I have my mum that will babysit for me, but in saying that I dont like to ask.. She is my child therefore should be with me..

I think you should leave the ball in her court and let her decide, no pressure as it may put some strain on your friendship - maybe have a small gathering with her and her kids before or after so you have celebrated with her..!!

Wow I'm a little disappointed in the responses that are calling the friend neurotic for not wanting to leave their child with an unfamiliar babysitter. I wouldn't want to leave my DS with someone that they don't really know because he would become upset and then I would become upset and would hardly enjoy going to a party while this was happening. Your kids might respond well to being looked after by almost anyone but not everyone's kids are the same.

My thoughts about the party situation...

I think it's fine that you are organising a child-free 40th if that's what you want to do then go for it! It does make things a little more complicated for guests though when they must find a babysitter to be able to attend. This is not to say that you should change your plans but you have to accept that because of this not everyone will be able to attend.

There has been a lot of comments about your friend being out of line but I personally think that's a bit harsh. If she is a good friend like you say then I think she is probably just genuinely disappointed that she isn't able to celebrate with you and was trying to find a solution so that her and her husband could join you. She obviously tried to secure alternative care arrangements for her kids first before calling you and asking whether she could bring them to your party.

I don't think she was trying to ruin your party and I think the awkwardness of this situation is probably making things seems a lot worse than they are. She's probably just feeling a bit disappointed and obviously you are feeling a bit upset too. I don't think you should change your plans and let her bring her kids.... however I do think it would be in the best interests of your friendship if you give her a call.

I think you both just need a good deep and meaningful conversation to get rid of the stress and tension that this issue has caused. If it was me I would just call up and say that you want to speak to her because you didn't think that your last conversation went that well. Tell her that you've been feeling upset and explain why. She probably just wants to say the same thing to you.... but you know people don't always say or act in the way that they are feeling! I would explain to her that you would really like her to still be able to attend even if it means that she comes along alone. Tell her that it's important to you that this is a child free event and you hope that she can respect that.

Good luck and enjoy your party!

My cousin recently got married and because it was an early evening (ie 5pm start) I would have had to find a babysitter capable of (and willing to!) bathing, feeding and putting to bed 5 children uner 9 yrs including two very boisterous 2 yr olds. All family members who might have been game to give this a try were already invited. We didn't really have that much spare money to spend upwards of $100 on a babysitter to do this even had we been able to find someone willing and capable.

So, as it was my cousin, I went to the wedding and DH stayed at home with the kids. This way I got to be there for my cousin and I knew my kids were being well looked after. DH would have liked to come too, but that is just the sort of sacrifice you make when you become a parent - if there are outings with friends who are closer to him than to me, then he would be the one to go and I would stay at home. I'm not a hugely "social" person and would have had a better night if my DH could have come too, but again, sometimes you just have to make that sacrifice. Even though I felt quite shy I still preferred to go on my own than not at all to show my support for my cousin.

This event wasn't even specified as "no children" but they weren't invited and I would have felt rude to ring and ask if they could come. The only time I would consider it appropriate to ask would be with a young breastfeeding baby (ie not a 2 yr old who could probably skip a breastfeed without any ill effects). I agree that the OP's friend was a bit inconsiderate to put her on the spot by asking this, and really not terribly gracious in letting her know she took offense.

Personally I think the odd outing (and we really don't get very many) without kids can be great - a little "mini-holiday". Who would want to go to a party anyway if they are going to spend the whole night chasing after an overtired 2 year old: "No you can't put your hands in the fondue! Don't go near the edge of the balcony!" etc etc. I certainly don't get to talk to any friends in this situation - I would just spend the whole time making sure my children behave appropriately and considerately in an environment not designed for them.

I guess if you are single parenting it could be a bit harder to find someone to stay at home, but if you are in a couple there is usually someone trustworthy who can make themselves available!

I have read all your responses and there are valid ones there so I would like to ask the following?

What happens if one of your guests is actually coming from overseas and has his son with him - he is related and all possible babysitters are at the event? It is a child free event and there are already a vast majority of parent's there that are not bringing their children.

Secondly what do you do if your baby is still fully breastfed but kids are not invited? We had this problem with a close friend - he got married and DD1 could be babysat but the wedding was two hours away from the babysitter. That was fine but because DD2 was fully breastfed and would not take a bottle whatsoever she couldn't be left without a feed. Do you ask or just decline the invite? As it was a logistical nightmare DH could not attend by himself.

That is really selfish of your friend they are 5 and 3 not newborns, do not let them come its your party as you said even your own kids aren't going why does she think hers have the right to? She shouldn't make you feel guilty it's an adults party not for children.

Soo $300 as for their gift, $100 for the petrol to get there and back and parking, then $200 at least for a hotel room (resort town) -and- finding and paying for a babysitter who was willing to go out of town with people they didn't know for 9+ hours.

That's about $700 -if- I found a babysitter for under $10 an hour (and they don't exist imo). Yeah, I don't think so.

My baby developed anxiety very young and wouldn't sleep etc for anyone else (and would wake up screaming if I'd left her alone). If you're passing judgement on my spelling then imo get over yourself. It's a mums forum I'm not submitting copy, besides that is my favourite word to misspell and I can do it four different ways in the same post - so if it upsets you be prepared to be upset alot

you know when I was a kid it was a no brainer that any party like this meant no kids. You didn;t need to put it on the invite everyone just knew not to bring your kids unless the host specified.
As children we never went to our parents cocktail parties, weddings etc unless specifically invited. At my wedding our rsvp card stated clearly that children weren't welcome at the reception - in a nice polite way (we had some at the day ceremony which was great, but I don;t think a reception is the place for little ones even at half the adult cost). We did have one child, my 2 week old niece who was breastfed - I would never have told my sister not to bring her though being that young. She never made a peep all night anyway bless her.
It seems a new thing this kids must be at every event thing, drives me nuts

Would depend on the people involved. In the first case, if it was my party and I knew of the situation, then I would try to arrange for the child to stay with some of their family member's children and their babysitter. Obviously this would depend on how well the child knew the other children (their relatives) as to whether or not you could expect them to be comfortable and find it a fun sleepover or more of a stress. Also how long would they have been in the country before the event so as to reconnect with the other children and would the child be completely jet-lagged which would make things more difficult? Does the father trust the family the child is staying with to choose a good babysitter (ideally you would have them with close relatives)? If this wasn't acceptable I would offer to organize a good babysitting service with reliable references and history but if someone is already paying for a plane ticket to come to the event I would be offering to pay for the babysitter. I also would understand if the father didn't want to leave his child in any of the above situations so I would offer to organize them, but if all else fails I would probably have the child there anyway as you can't really expect someone to come from OS for an event and then not attend.

Still, it would probably be possible to hire (at my expense) a young student to "babysit" at the party itself ie pay a small wage to a reliable teenager to come to the reception and entertain the child in a small designated area with games/activities etc as much as possible. This would enable Dad to actually have a good time at the event but have his child within sight so not have to worry about who he has left them with. I also wouldn't have to worry about an unsupervised child getting into danger at the party or disrupting things. I'd offer this to the father as my way of making sure he had a fun and relaxing night and I'd imagine they would be glad of the help - as honestly looking after an only child at an all adults venue and function does not make for a fun evening, especially if you've come from OS to catch up with all the family/friends who will be there and they have not bought their children for yours to play with.

I think if you categorically wanted to refuse the child in this case you would have to make it pretty clear before the father purchased the plane tickets!

For a fully breastfed young child I would ask if they could attend (I did this for my brother's child-free wedding) but wouldn't be offended if I was told no. Most people would be OK with a small baby who is just going to feed or sleep (as long as you are willing to remove them if they start screaming and make it clear in advance that you would do this). I think it is more the mobile and noisy children that are an issue. After all if a baby needs to feed you don't have much choice here. If the host said no to the baby, then I would just send DH on his own and if for some reason this was not possible then there would really be no choice but to stay home.

Sorry to hear that this has created an uncomfortable situation with your friendship. I don't think you are being unreasonable in sticking to your request for no kids at your party. If she is a good friend she will get over it in time.

I agree with the your party, your rules team. I would, personally, always make an exception for a very young, exclusively breastfed infant, but I know others aren't happy with that.

On weddings, at the last place I worked as a wedding coordinator we had a little separate lounge area off the main function room and if the B&G were having issues like that I said they were welcome to use that and hire in a babysitter. I used to set it all up with a TV and DVD player, colouring stuff and bring my own kids' toys from home for them to play with. It worked really well. I remember one wedding where we had 6 portacots set up in there and those blessed babies slept through the whole reception, even when the music got whacked way up loud! It was so sweet the videographer went in and video-ed them all sleeping in a row of portacots.

I don't really understand not inviting kids to weddings though. In my mind, there are a few things that make a wedding different...one is that people will travel from far and wide to be there, they are involved in the process in that they are witnesses to your vows...a wedding is a family/community kind of thing. Given all of this, it makes sense to have kids there and seems kind of mean spirited to leave them out. I have been to a few weddings recently, even one day time garden party wedding, where kids were not invited and I just don't understand it. I reckon they would have enhanced the experiences enormously, as quite frankly, both were a little boring!
[/quote]

I understand that everyone is different and you have made a fair point but I would like to give a flipside to this discussion. when we were married years ago before kids, we were badgered into allowing my nephew and niece attend our beachside wedding as my SIL was a single mother and had no option for babysitting and fundswise it was not practical.They are great kids and were very well behaved in the early hours, however, my SIL felt it completely reasonable to ask people not to smoke around her kids and asked several male guests to tone down their language and story telling as it was not appropriate for young ears, then as the night wore on the children got tired and cranky and whilst there was a quiet dark area away form the reception that was designated for them to crash out in, they refused as it was a party and wanted to stay up and drink soft drink! It didn't bother me and did not affect my night at all but I wish we had stuck to our guns and said no kids as it ruined some of our other guests night.(this was said directly to my husband by a drunk male friend!)

my question is why do parents think it is appropriate to take children to an adult party where language, alcohol and gods know what else is on display for children to witness???? Plus maybe for second think that hosts do not refuse kids at their parties for their own sakes but that for their guests who do object to children being around at an adult only event when it might be their only child free night out in a year!!!

I feel for you OP but maybe if it turns into an issue point out to your friend that it is fair to your other guests to be wary of her children sleeping upstairs when they are trying to enjoy themselves. Surely at least one of them can attend and the other can take 'one for the team' as many of us have done in the past. Good luck and have a great night regardless

If its a adult 40th party, i wouldnt even bring my kids, as its a ADULT PARTY, only unless it was a family member which i know they dont DRINK.
But if its friends why would you want to take your children to a adult party.

I was the opposite when planning my wedding. Among the guest list there were about 30 children, and given that the wedding was on the North Coast and many of the guests were from Sydney, few, if any, would know a babysitter nearby the event.

My plan was to hire a babysitter and an extra room at the same building as the wedding reception (so if people wanted to check on their kids during the night it would be easy). I included this plan on the invite for everyone with kids and made sure the kids names were on the invite, so it was clear they were welcome.

In the end, most people had similar thoughts to the Original Poster. That a formal night out without their kids would be a wonderful evening. And only 4 kids (3 of them siblings) out of the 30 invited came (though most of the parents were there).

I was surprised, but I understand now that there are many adults who enjoy an evening out occasionally without their kids. I'd say stick to your guns, if nothing else for the sake of all the other guests who are expecting an adult party without children.

I can't believe that! How rude of that couple to take their 2 year old to a funeral and let him behave that way. I would've been so mad if I was a relative of the deceased.

Anyway, about the issue of the friend wanting to bring her children, I can't stand it when you try to arrange a party or gathering, and people try to change what you want for your OWN party to suit them. I've had 'friends' try to change dates/times on me just to suit them and it is really annoying. If the arrangements don't suit, then don't go, simple as that - don't try to change the rules/arrangements of someone else's party, that's just rude.

Try not to let this 'friend' upset you, she doesn't sound as though she's worth it IMO.

Hmmmm, I agree it's poor form to try and be an exception and then get mad if you're not allowed to be.

That said, she isn't trying to offend you by not coming without her children. Who should be her first priority, you and your friendship or her children and what she feels is best for them?

Me, I wouldn't leave my kids either, and have had to miss out on events because I couldn't take the kids, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'd simply say, thank you so much for the invite, unfortunately I cannot make it, but I hope you have a lovely time.

It's kind of simple really...

Of course it's your party and you can have what you want, but is it a celebration without your friends and family? What's more important: that your friends are there or that their children aren't? What would happen if none of your friends could find babysitters and none of them could come. Would it be a party with just you and your husband and all that posh food? I think you'd soon be changing your rules, because it's your friends that are going to make it a party for you. Maybe it's just me, but I think you have slighted your friend.

Hmmm, I don't want to sit here and trash your friend but I think maybe she over reacted a bit by putting it on you that if they can't come then we won't. She may have felt "put out" but when given time to think she may realise that it isn't anything personal and will hopefully feel less anti against the situation.

It is a difficult position but one you have to stick to.

In my opinion sometimes adult parties may not be the right environment for kids anyway.

I did have a situation once where a friends child was invited to my daughters party and she phoned to see if she could bring her 3 other kids and I said no. Don't think she was impressed but she did get over it.

After all, you aren't in the wrong by requesting this.

Don't worry you have offended her, don't dwell on it, don't hold it against her, chill and enjoy the lead up and the party.

Tracey

Good point, Netta. We worry constantly about what our kids watch on TV - surely we should also be worried about what type of conversations etc they could be exposed to in real life by taking them to an adults party.

Personally, if someone makes rules like that for a party then I go along with whatever they want. Its their party. But, if my daughter were younger (she is now 6yrs) I'd politely decline and suggest we catch up for dinner sometime at my place. I had my daughter later (well at 33 so I'm now almost 40) and she is my life. I wouldn't go anywhere without her. I don't have the luxury of family to babysit her so if its no kids, then its no me either. I wouldn't get huffy about it though. You don't like it, don't go

It is your party and you friend should accept that and should not have rung you. it is quite alright to have adult only events - we all need our sanity breaks.

For heavens sake only being prepared to leave a 3 and 5 year old with their grandparents! How are they going to cope later in life especially the 5 year old when they go to school (if they have not already started).

We had a episode at my daughter's baptism and lunch where we had only invited the god parent's children as we were much older parents and were having a very large number of people. A couple who have two children turned up with them unannounced even though the invitation was clearly only had the adult's names on them. We had to suddenly run around and increase the size of the children's table and find extra food.

Forget about it and have a great party.

Nope it's not hard to understand that you don't want kids at the party. And maybe your friend is being unreasonable, selfish and a bit crazy - and you are in the right to tell her no.

But it sounds like she's a good friend, that you like, otherwise why are you dwelling on it so much? I would ask myself - do I want a cool, adult party? or do I want my crazy, neurotic friend?

We did the same thing for our wedding reception.
Four of my sisters, and step sisters, have children who need babysitters. The wedding was in our home town, but not in three of my sisters. You know what one did? She got a sitter to come to the hotel and look after the children there. Why? Because she was big enough to know it was our celebration not hers! And if we didn't want children at the reception, they weren't coming. One of my sisters however did the same thing as your friend and didn't come because she always had my mum look after her children. Strangely my mum was also at our wedding! Another got a sitter to look after them at home, and the other wasn't coming anyway.
If your friend can't work it so she can come and hubby can look after the children, then she really has a problem. Do they both need to stay home to look after the children?

Oh I am just shocked that a close friend would try to put you in such an awkward position. Just stand your ground on this one. How often do parents have an opportunity to dress up & have some fun for themselves??? Its a shame she doesn't have any other friends or family around she feels comfortable leaving the kids with, but not your issue!!! In the end, she will be the one with egg on her face after every tells her what a fantastic time they had at your party!! Have fun, wish I was there!!! Andyt

Why don't they attend seperately for a couple of hours each? So the Dad comes for a bit, then relieves the Mum, or vice versa. Then the kids are happy, and they both get to attend.

I'm due to have my baby in May and have a wedding to go to in December. At no stage has my friend asked me not to bring my child but I have no intention of doing so, I never even considered it an option. I'm lucky enough to have my parents close by and more than willing to babysit for me. Parties like this are planned well in advance giving people plenty of time to make arrrangements. It's your party and if you don't want kids there that's your right and your "friends" should not try to make you feel guilty about it.

Both my weddings were 'no children', the only exception was for my SIL to be, because the baby was 6 weeks old. Most my friends looked forward to a good night out without their children in tow.
For some occassions, I think it's better to NOT have children in attendance, because why would you want them to witness people drinking, sometimes to excess and other behaviours often present when we're enjoying ourselves a little too much?

I like the idea of offering your babysitter to your friend and if she refuses that, well you've done your best. Have a fabulous child free night and maybe catch up with her and the kids at a family friendly venue when you've recovered from you well deserved kid free night. Happy Birthday! Jo

Yep we had the same issue at ours too... unfortunately it was DH sister and she 'refused' to attend if her 15month old and 4 year old weren't invited. I was happy for her not to attned but obviously DH wanted her there... I was so annoyed ... i can't believe people think they have the right to even question it.

So NO... no kids, is no kids, simple as that - if they can't make it then so be it!

I dont feel that there is anything wrong with the no children policy infact it is refreshing because who wants children around adults that are drinking etc. At our wedding we had the no children policy and we upset a lot of people but too bad. I have children myself and understand that it is hard to have children running around and being unwatched while adults party on - safer for all.

Oh this is a real thorn for me. My SIL's (DH ONLY SISTER) wedding was no children, at the time we had three, one bf and a couple of months old. Our children were allowed to come to the ceremony but not the reception.

OK, so I almost blew by stack when we had children of the groom's side of the family at our table - they said, oh but they had to travel, well so the bloody hell did we.

Parties with no children - fine by me, but weddings with not children - in my opinion weddings are a family event also, and children should be included.

Gosh this brings back memories.... My DH and I married somewhat later than most of our friends and at the time, most of them had children, so when we did the invites, we worked out that if children came to the formal reception, we would have more kids than adults there and wouldn't be able to afford to invite all our friends. So, we hired babysitters and had a "McDonald's" Reception at my parents home for anyone who needed babysitting and only allowed BF non-mobile babies/toddlers to the reception. My parent's home was less than five minutes from the reception venue and the babysitters were known to most of our friends as they had babysat their kids previously. Thought that made us GREAT FRIENDS to be so thoughtful....

However, my best friend, whom I had asked to be MOH, when I asked her to make sure that during the vows (you know, the sacred moment when we were pledging our lives to each other before God and all our friends) her kids (3 & 5yo) didn't run up onto the altar and play peek-a-boo with my veil (which they had done at her sister's wedding a few months earlier) got incredibly huffy with me and had to "think about whether or not she wanted to be part of the wedding" Three weeks later she rang and said that as her parents were coming (they had been invited already as I'd known them my whole life), she thought that it might be OK, but if her kids needed her, they would have to be allowed to come to her. It did flit through my mind that as her kids were in child care 12 hours a day, five days a week, they probably had some self-settling skills sufficient for a five minute wait, but kept the thought to myself.

My aunt just assumed that I would have flower girls and ask my two young cousins and she refused to come to the reception because I didn't - and the whole family turned up dressed to attend the footy, rather than in wedding type clothes to make the point. She didn't speak to me for nearly two years over it....

Anyway - thanks for the chance to vent! Seriously, it is your party and you are entitled to have it your way. Kids are not welcome everywhere - and nor are all adults! However, so often, people do give in to "special requests", that you do have to check what is meant by "no kids" as I have often arranged babysitting only to find I'm the only one who has.

You have every right to request "no children", it's your party!
We had no children at our wedding, my DD was 20 months at the time, so I had to organise a sitter. I just felt having little kids running around could be a tad annoying, especially my own toddler.
I had a couple of my friends bring their young babies, which was fine, babies just sleep in their pram, no bother.
Recently I have attended both my brothers weddings, one brother said I could bring the kids, so we did, they were well behaved and all, but my other brother requested no children, so we organised a sitter for them,they didn't know the sitter or anything (we were travelling interstate), but they were fine, and I tell you we had the BEST night ever without the kids there!

I really think it is a personal thing, fine if a person doesn't mind having kids around, but if you want an adults party, then that's your choice. Who wants whingy whining kids around anyway?

Disagree, fine if you think that for your own wedding, but you shouldn't expect everyone to feel that way.