Hi Bianca. I have four words of advice for you: Don’t be a doormat! It’s your party and you can cry if you want to. Or dance, or sing, or laugh, drink – whatever you want to do. And you’re perfectly entitled to do that in a child-free environment.

However that’s just my personal two-cents worth and isn’t really that helpful in terms of keeping your friendship unsullied, so I have sourced a far more professional and helpful response for you from Anna Musson, etiquette expert and founder of www.goodmanners.com.au.

Her advice is also short, sweet and to the point:

“Dear Bianca,

Unfortunately your friend has been ungracious here and put you in an awkward position. It is not good form to ask for special treatment at another person’s party. A guest’s job is to turn up on time, have a fabulous night and not be a bother.

Your response to her was absolutely right, this is her issue and not yours. If you really would like her there, perhaps you could suggest her children stay with your babysitter?

Mortified,

Anna Musson.”

I like it!

EB Members: Do you have any helpful advice for Bianca?

Brush it off and enjoy your night. You'll have a fabulous time even if they aren't there.

I wouldn't be worried about it. If she's going to be huffy then do you really want her there? It's definitely her problem and not yours. Don't take her issues on board. It's your party, have a fabulous time!

The cheek of some people. I would have just said "we can't get a babysitter so we won't be able to come along. Sorry about that!" instead of asking for special treatment.

Hi OP. Your friend sounds really spoilt and rather immature. As a parent, you miss out on a LOT of things. Comes with the territory - no big deal.

If it were me, I would have said, "Sorry, can't make it as our babysitters are out of town. How about we get together another night for a second celebration?"

I hope you have a great time at the party. Don't worry at all about your friend - she'll get over it. And if she doesn't, then it isn't a friendship worth fretting over anyway.

ahhh!!! We went through the same thing with our wedding. people think their children have a right to be invited. I have seen this destroy friendships between grown men because wives felt it was ourageous that their kids dont get an invite to a function.

People should be grateful that you include them in such lovely plans without putting demands (and extra pressure) on people - not fair. Suck it up, I say.

I think your friend is being rude by insisting they come even after you have said no.
Enjoy your night without her!

I totally agree that this is your party and you have it as you like. I think that if you say no children then you do have to accept some people won't be able to come and that's the choice you make.

I was on the otherside of this equation not so long ago and I got totally p*ssed off when my children weren't invited to a 40th for the following reason: we were the last to have children by a number of years and during our childless years our life included their children. They were invited to our wedding, we ate meals early to cater for the children, we held family friendly birthdays at family friendly places and generally helped make family get togethers child friendly. We had no problems with that. However, now it's our children who are young we are suddenly expected to just do without. Their children are older and as we were told "we have done our time with young kids' consideration for our children is not the order of the day. It's the same with presents - we always bought for their children and now it's our children's turn suddenly they have too many to buy. Generally we have just politely declined offers without making a fuss but we haven't forgotten the double standard.

Whilst this may not be your situation, I did want to present a possible other side to the argument.

Rosie

If you've requested no children then so be it.

If they're uncomfortable leaving their Children with someone other than their parents then it's their loss.
You're not going to be able to please everyone, but hopefully you and your husband will have a good night.

I think the occasional no children party is a great Idea, and if someone doesn't agree with it then you don't come along, But you really have to stand your ground, It can't be 'oh older children can come' or whichever, It needs to be no children full stop.

Early this year we were invited to a wedding DD was 4 months old, had never been babysat before but we were told strictly NO CHILDREN at the reception.
We made arrangements and respected the wants of the bride and groom.
At the Ceremony there were a few children, but not too many.
We arrived at the Reception later that night to Children everywhere, Bride and Groom's Son was there, and everyone seemed to have brought their children. I was really gutted that we didn't have DD with as and was repeatedly asked where she was and was told we should have brought her along.



This exactly,

If you make strict conditions about your party don't get your nose out of joint if people can't meet them. You set the condition, your friend isn't willing to leave her precious children with strangers, it is a shame for you both but you don't have the right to be offended. Get over yourself.

We were in a situation like this as an invitee to a wedding, our baby was 6 months old, breastfed (I couldn't express properly), had seperation anxiety and we'd never left her with anyone else. Not only that but the wedding was 2 hours out of town so we'd be gone for 9 hrs minimum. It was a horrible stress working out what to do (I expressed for three days beforehand for hours a day to try and get enough milk to feed baby then on the day it was all sour). So on the day I'm in floods of tears having to feed my baby forumla she'd never had before (and actually refused and so went without milk for the 9 hours).

I wish we hadn't gone and with new baby if we're placed in a similar situation we just won't go. To add insult to injury when we got there other people had bought babies older than ours

Your friends should feel comfortable saying no if they aren't comfortable leaving their kids with anyone else and I hope when we do people understand. If I couldn't leave them at 2 and 4 though somethings a bit odd.

The OP doesn't sound offended to me at all, she sounds sincerely upset and worried about offending her friend, and is even considering letting her bring her kids.

if she really wanted to come, she would find a way

Hazeltree - from what I have read it seems that her friend is the one getting all offended!

Stick to your guns - have a fun child free night and be an adult in an adult world for once, I wish more adults would do this - the adults I know who do this are often happier than the people I see who spend 24/7 with there kids. We have a child free night every fortnight and love it - great to to catch up with friends and it's fantastic that no all the talk is about the children. While we all love our children - it's nice to be an adult from time to time.

Parties with and without children are like chalk and cheese.
Enjoy the childfree party!!!!

our son (9 1/2) has always been invited to the parties we go to. he is very mature and has always been able to hold his own with adults. if he is not invited, then so be it as well. there are simply adult times is what i tell him. he understands this.

we are lucky in this fact, but respect peoples choices with their party's. we also ask, if he is invited, whether or not there will be other children there (just so he is not the only one)

It was unfair of your friend to hassle you though - a simple "I'm sorry, we can't get a babysitter so can't attend" would have sufficed.

I had a friend pull the same thing on us at our childfree wedding. She didn't come, her loss.

This weekend I am going to my best friends wedding and my daughter isn't invited. So what, I'm still going!

Spoken like someone with absolutely no idea.

I think it's fine for OP to say no kids, but it's also fine for the friend to not be able to go if that condition means they can't. To put an 'if they really wanted to they would' label is stupid - it's as bad as saying that 'if OP really wanted them there she'd let them bring their kids'.

OP, maybe just send her a note saying you hope that everything is still okay between you and perhaps you can get together another time with the kids?

I understand how you are feeling, you want to stick to your original plans but you don't want to cause trouble in your friendship. Hopefully she will understand in time, especially if you can all get together with the kids after your party.

What's to stop one of them coming! I don't know why but it annoys me that if the kids are sick/can't get babysitter that always they both have to stay home - why can't one go and one stay home...it's no big deal.

Agree!

We had a wedding in another capital city a couple of months ago. It would have meant leaving DS with a complete stranger in a hotel room and we weren't comfortable with this. It was my DH's friend who was getting married so DH flew down for the day and I stayed at home with DS. No big deal and we just told the bride and groom that we didn't have any suitable care for DS in that city so I wouldn't be able to make it but DH would definitely be there.

Great idea! That's something that we do quite often and even though it's not as much for going to an event without your partner, it's better than no-one going at all!

It's YOUR party - not her, not the kids, but YOURS! So you do what you want to do, and as long as it's not illegal or immoral go for it. To me, it sounds like a lovely idea

I think your friend is overreacting. I take DD to parties and other things like that, but if I don't feel it's appropriate, then I won't. Most of my friends don't have kids, so I can think of plenty of times when I've been invited to things that I couldn't go to because I couldn't get babysitting or that weren't appropriate to bringing a child. It goes with being a parent. Suck it up.

I'm sorry that your friend is, in my opinion, overreacting to a perceived slight, when there is nothing of the sort. I think it's bad manners, and not very 'friendly' to blame you instead of being gracious and saying "sorry, no babysitting, lets do something else later".

Fair enough for your friend to ask if she can bring her kids, and fair enough for you to say no. The problem appears to be her attitude. If you were having your own kids there and just saying no to everyone else's kids then i can understand her being "huffy", but under the circumstances it sounds reasonable. A formal 40th birthday doesn't sound like a lot of fun for kids anwyay!
As pps have said - why can't one of them go? We have done that in the past and im sure will do it again in the future.

Your party, your rules.

A few months ago when we got married we decided to let children come to the wedding. We decided that it meant more to us to have our oldest and closest friends there with their kids than to not have them there at all. Of course people that could get babysitters did but for those that couldn't they just brought them along and to be honest the kids were a huge part of the night they were the ones up on the dance floor getting everyone in party mode and had a wonderful time. I wouldn't have changed a thing about that night!
But if it means more to you to have no kids at your party than it is to have your good friend there then that is your choice.

We didnt have kids at our wedding

yes we copped a lot of flack, some family didnt even come (as in they rsvpe yes then left on the day as we still said no)

and if I had my time over again I would do the same.

Our party- our rules!

I really don't understand these "EB members what do you think" posts. Surely we generate enough discussion as it is?!? Perhaps if this was a topic that hadn't been done a million times I would understand a little more...

So can someone actually explain the "Hot Spot" to me?

As for the question whats the dilema? Don't want kids at a party don't have them.

Hi Kilatea - with this particular blog it's about readers getting an expert answer to their question (not from me, from a third person who I source to provide an answer). So this week the answer is from an etiquette expert; sometimes it's a breastfeeding counsellor, a midwife, an obstetrician, a psychologist - it depends what the question is as to who I find to answer it.

The very first post, titled "About this blog" has more detail.

Cheers,
Justine

Sorry, doubled up!

Don't you hate that
Some people do not realise the stress they place on the host by asking for special privileges with their children. After all if you let those 2 come then what happens if someone else asks the same thing?
If you do not want children then that is how it is. There are many reasons for not wanting children, often the venue is just not suitable.
If the guest is unwilling to leave their children then they just do not attend. I understand some mothers not wanting to leave children behind but that problem does not have to be addressed by the host.
The only children that should be able to attend are those young enough to be still breast feeding around the clock. I would not include my toddler children who were still BF as I knew they were perfectly capable of having a drink of water during the evening instead of me.
Enjoy your party, if your friends want to come they will find a way. 3-5 year olds are usually pretty easy to baby sit, I am sure they will find someone so DO NOT CAVE IN

I should explain why I would do it again.

If a friend really should respect my ideas and rules for my party, that is why if kids arnt allowed to a party either I pull all the stops for a sitter or i dont go. but in the end i have to respect their rules!

not to mention if i let one person come with kids, so will the entire party who have kids.

I absolutely agree.



I have always wondered the same thing, but then figured they really didn't want to come anyway just using the children as an excuse.

OP enjoy your party. Your friend put you in an awkward position asking you to make an exception to her only. I agree it wouldn't be fair on your other guests.

A very mean spirited response Hazeltree. Not inviting children to a party is hardly making "strict conditions" Many parties are not places where children should be, they are far better off home in bed rather than mingling amongst alcohol fuelled adults .
Crikey, I love my children as much as the next person but sometimes they have to stay at home UNLESS they are being breastfed.
Oh FWIW, the OP doesn't sound offended to me, she just has been left not knowing who to have looking after her children.

I have a few thoughts on this.
Yes, you absolutely have the right to throw a party minus kids. We threw one recently, it was a dress up cocktail party at our place, with several hot fondue sets, and loud-ish music....totally not a kid appropriate environment. One couple didn't come because it was too hard to arrange babysitting, but there were no hard feelings.
Also, I reckon if you have a baby say under 6 or 8 months, who is immobile and breast fed, you should be able to bring them regardless of the circumstances (tho perhaps not to a Bucks night!). No mother should be expected to be separate from her baby, and if they are not mobile, what is the issue?

I don't really understand not inviting kids to weddings though. In my mind, there are a few things that make a wedding different...one is that people will travel from far and wide to be there, they are involved in the process in that they are witnesses to your vows...a wedding is a family/community kind of thing. Given all of this, it makes sense to have kids there and seems kind of mean spirited to leave them out. I have been to a few weddings recently, even one day time garden party wedding, where kids were not invited and I just don't understand it. I reckon they would have enhanced the experiences enormously, as quite frankly, both were a little boring!

I would just tell her you're really sorry they couldn't get a baby sitter! It's the same if they couldn't afford it, couldn't get a lift there, couldn't find something to wear - not your problem.

She might think otherwise, but seriously, you're just trying to be fair to everyone. If you change the rules for her you have to make it a big slumber party and let everyone bring their kids - or they'll all hate you for it!

We had this with SIL's wedding. We were told no kids so had to find sitters. At the last minute we were told ok, we could bring them because they were allowing another family. It was offensive really. We'd already gone to the trouble of finding sitters.

Stick to your guns. You can sympathise with her and tell her you understand but this is your ONE big party with NO children at all! She will realise once she gets over it.

I should expect you will find quite a few people do not show up, if, as you say, majority have children- there will of course be a few who can't get care, have sick children or what ever.

I think it sounds like a great party and you should enjoy yourself. Is there any way that you could have a BBQ another time for friends with kids?

I don't think you should let her bring her kids, but I understand her being disapointed and feeling a little hurt- she'll get over it and youll have a great party.

I don't understand why, if it clearly says on the invitation "no children" someone would read that and then immediately assume that you will "exempt" them from the rules just cause you have rung up and asked nicely. You said no kids for a reason so stick to your guns. If your friend can't come that's really unfortunate but you can't, and should be expect to, change all your plans just to suit you.

And really we're not talking tiny babies here - surely she could look at other babysitting options if she really wanted to come .....

Have a lovely party !!!

I had the exact same thing happen for my wedding. Except it was my husband's cousin and his wife. The cousin was the best man. The invite clearly said no children and they assumed they were exempt. My husband talked his cousin through it and he said "oh well (wife) probably won't come then". This is despite us offering onsite babysitting at our expense. The night before the wedding the cousin cornered my sister (maid of honour) and b*tched and moaned about our decision not to let their son come, ruining the pre wedding dinner for my sister. She, thank goodness was lovely and sensible enough not to tell me about the conversation as it would have ruined things for me too. She was convinced the cousin was actually trying to ruin things for me and hubby. Then at the reception, wife was as sour and miserable as you like the whole time, heckled during the speeches, and left early virtually in a huff.

It nearly ruined my wedding. It still upsets me to this day and I simply don't like either of them. Despite my husband's cousin being his best friend.

We were vindicated though a few months later at a family funeral. The son (2 and a bit years old) came along to the funeral because, in his mother's words "he couldn't miss his great grandfather's funeral!" - Um yes, he could, he's two and funerals are not really suitable places for small children who might find them upsetting or disrupt proceedings. AND he's hardly going to remember it. So he danced up and down the aisle and around the coffin all through the eulogies (completely unrestrained by either of his parents), and then when he couldn't get the attention of his grandmother while giving a eulogy he threw himself on the floor in front of the coffin and chucked one. It was a good couple of minutes before wife carried him outside where you could hear him literally screeching.

I love children and can't wait for my own to arrive. Making a choice between going to an adult event and your child is one of the sacrifices that come with being a parent.

Wow it felt good to get that off my chest after three years.

I think that depends on the family and the person who has passed away.
My FIL would have loved the fact that all the kids were at his funeral just being themselves and doing what they always do.

I can understand you wanting to have a kid free party, and agree that everyone needs a bit of adult time - especialy when celebrating such a special occassion!!

I have however been in the same position as your friend. My SIL who lives interstate had her child free 40th Birthday Party on what was our DD's 2nd bday. We would have been very happy to travel for the party, however did not want to leave our DD behind with grandparents on her 2nd bday, or travel interstate and leave her with a babysitter that we had never met.
As it was our DD's actual b'day on that day, we decided not to go - and yes, as parents these are the decisions you make more & more often and do often miss out on things, all part of the job!

Obviously we had no hard feelings against my SIL (who had her own 3 children babysat elsewhere), but we were so dissapointed to miss out on what sounded like such a good night.

Hope your friend finds a way to make it there to celebrate with you

you need to be more like sam out of SATC,
acknowledge that you love your friend but state that you love you more, this party is
about you and your time with your friends with NO kids.

its always someone's perogative to ask beyond the boundaries for special treatment, but in doing this they risk being offended. easily offended ???, dont ask for special treatment

enjoy my friend
enjoy

I guess it all depends how much u want them to be there, like will the party not be the same without them there? if your party starts at 7.30 say and the kids go to sleep at that time, where is the harm there? tell her but that the kids can come and sleep but they can't join in on the party as u are having an adults party, also, i understand how she is uncomfortable with anyone else minding her kids, i would never let anyone else mind ours either.

In a situation like this, why can't you take a babysitter with you and get a hotel room? Expensive, but if want to be there AND respect the wishes of the bride and groom, is this not a reasonable solution? I've done it the past (I was the babysitter) and it worked out perfectly for everyone!

By the way, "separation anxiety"? Really?????

OP, I agree with you. It's your party and you have every right to have a grown up celebration for your husband. If your let her kids come, it is rude to all the other people who are paying a babysitter to be at your party.

Your friend has put you in an awkward position, something she had no right to do.

If she is so paranoid that she won't leave her kids with ANYONE other than her parents, then that is her problem. Dont' tell me she hasn't got another friend, in-laws, mothers group girlfriend, close neighbour, cousin ETC that couldn't mind her kids for a few hours.

She's paranoid, and it's boring. Maybe once she misses out on a few more invitations she'll pull her head out of her a*se and ask someone else to babysit.

I hate neurotic mothers.

I bet she is so neurotic that she won't leave the kids at home with hubby (ie. their father!) and she won't let him go out and have a good time without her.

We have so many friends like this - who were all very normal pre children and turned into neurotic monstors post delivery. I can't stand it.

Essentiallyme, the point is that they gave no thought whatsoever to what the deceased might have thought or wanted, or anyone else at the funeral, as usual it was all about them and the son. If the wife had said to me "(the deceased) would really have wanted him here." I might have been a bit more understanding. But it didn't even cross her mind.

OP your "friend" should not have acted in that manner if she was a true friend. I see no issue with her asking if her children could come as she could not get a babysitter. Having said that you also had the right to say no. It is your party it is your choice. I think it only fair to ask as sometimes the host will say yes no problems yours can come and you won't miss an event.

There have been many many many times when I have had to ask if I could bring my child/baby to an event and been asked if children could come to an event I was hosting. Sometimes the answer is yes sometimes it's no. If it's no then I simply response with regretably I can't make it then. Sometimes dh goes without me sometimes (very rarely) I go without dh. It would also depend on what the event was. A wedding I will bust my butt to find someone I think is appropriate to care for my children. I have done the hotel room right next to wedding so I could duck out and check on child being babysat by friend. If it's just a party for parties sake I won't bother. It's too hard and I need to save my babysitting requests for when I really need them.

I also won't fend my kids off to anyone. I don't have family close by and up until recently I had not met anyone who would volunteer or accept a request to babysit my child/children or to recommend a good babysitting service. Mine and dh's family are all very self centred (those that live close enough) and refuse to watch the kids and on the rare times we've actually asked or been able to get them to they have whinged constantly about the effort of caring for the kids (they've only done it 2 times and only for a max of 3hrs) or in my SIL case whinged that we were taking advantage of her when we asked once for my brother to care for his infant niece so we could attend a wedding.

hurryupalready I may be neurotic for refusing to go to parties and get my kids babysat all the time by others but so be it. I'd rather be thought of as neurotic then as someone who doesn't care about where her children are, whose looking after them properly and about how much fun i can have. I've also been the victim of too much abuse as a child when I was left in the care of someone other then my parents so YES i am neurotic about who cares for my children when I'm not there.

Again OP i'm sorry your friend didn't just graciously say to you that whilst she'd love to be there to help celebrate this time unfortuneately she doesn't have a babysitter and won't be able to make it. That she hopes your dh has a great 40th and left it at that. Rather then acting like a spoilt brat.

We have been invited to lots of events with no kids. And fair enough I say. Who wants a kindergarten at a adult party.

If we can't find a babysitter then my DH or myself go alone depending on who's family/friend it is. It's not as much fun for you but at least you have made an effort for your family/friend.

We had this situation arise when a 'friend' invited us to her partners surprise 30 something backyard BBQ party.

She requested strongly that we don't bring our kids as her partners bosses were going to be at this BBQ and she didn't want them being an embarrassment for her partner.

She exclaimed that we simply MUST find a babysitter. I gently pointed out to her that she had also invited all our potential sitters to the BBQ and that they had all accepted.

Then she got very huffy when I said that meant that we would not be coming.

It has since transpired that her partner has decided we were not worth being friends as we didn't attend his BBQ, without finding out the reason why. His partner deliberately omitted that little snippet of information.

Ho Hum. I haven't lost any sleep over it.....

I agree that if you are doing the inviting then you have the right to invite whoever you want which means if it is without kids then so be it.
If there are mainly adults there and you were the only ones to bring your child, would it be appropriate for an adults only event? Loud music, free speach including the lazy swear words, adult conversations and the like...Is it a place for a child when no others are there??? I think not.
I agree with the meaning behind if she wants to go she'd find a way. It's not saying that the kids should be there for a way to see her friend, it's the friends decision if she think the event and the person inviting is important enough to go. However, if circumstances do not allow her then a catch up another time is the key not an attitude of huffiness just because it is what she may do for her events. It sounds like her friend is self centred on this issue rather than seeing what the true meaning of the occasion is.Hope this can be sorted soon and as some others have said, why can't one just go?