DS's school has contacted us for an 'independant assessment' of DS's behaviour. They did the same thing last year because of his tantrums - and this year it's because he simply refuses to do what he's told. He's defiant, wilful and bossy.

It's a fine line we walk. We want DS to be independant but to also learn there are times when he's supposed to do as he's told.

For DH and I, it's not a problem. DS does what he's told. But at kindy he's apparently 'causing a disruption' because - my son's a leader. The other kids follow his example. He's the kind of child to sit them down and read the other kids a book; the kid of kid who will tell other kids to put their toys away.

At first I thought he was a bit of a bully but apparently no. The kids love him to pieces and simply follow him around like he's the pied piper.

So, is it so bad that he doesn't take directions? Do we want to teach him to stop being a leader?

Part of me says yes, he needs to do what he's told. But another part of me is kind of proud that he's already showing promise as a leader among his peers.

It's great that your son is showing leadership skills already, although they seem to be having negative consequences. I think at the age of 3 he needs to learn that there are rules at school and he needs to do as the teacher asks of him, as they are the ones in charge of how the classroom is run, not him (I asssume he is refusing to sit on the mat, or participate in activites etc). It seems your son has a strong need for attention and acceptance from others and by misbehaving and disobeying the teachers he is also gaining their attention, albeit negative. And this is certainly not a pattern you want to set up for future years at school either.
Perhaps suggest to the teacher to prepare a star chart where he is rewarded for positive behaviour and every time he follows an instruction he gets a star. Once he reaches 10 stars (or whatever they think appropriate) he gets a reward...doesn't have to be an object but even the teachers special helper for the day, or something he can choose to do. These reward charts are widely used in schools to encourage desired behaviours and work wonders.
Hopefully it is just a stage he is going through and I'm sure once this hurdle is sorted out he will thrive!
Alternatively if it continues to become a problem, you might like to consider a Montessori school - they are wonderful for children who like to use their initiative and lessons are structured so that children develop an interest in the subject before teaching/learning is initiated (and I believ chn. are given more choices in how and what they want to learn). I'm considering sending my son to one as I have not heard a negative thing about them.

Hope it all works out - Susan (Primary School teacher).

I understand that you are pleased that he is a born leader and that he already has a strong idea of what he wants but this kind of behaviour is not ideal as it can also have a negative impact on those around him.

My DS is friends with a child like this and like you say he adores this little girl but after a while he gets sick of being told what to do and because he has been compliant up until that point she completely loses it when he finally says no. Subsequently causing all sorts of friction. I regard both the mother and the child very dearly but more than once I have had to refer to my DS's pre-school on how to deal with this on-going hot and cold friction.

I agree don't take the leadership out of him and let him voice his opinions but also discipline him to do what he is told as this is also the reality of the world. Even the CEO has to answer to the Board or to the Shareholders.

He does not need to be changed just shave the edges!!

I hope my post does not seem harsh. I am not trying to be harsh but rather just express how it works on the other side.

I'm a bit surprised that you seem to think it's ok for him to act like that . There is a difference between being a leader and being a brat.

My daughter is also a leader but manages to do it in a far more appropriate way. In a similar situation she will encourage other kids to sit and listen and also does the right thing herself. A lot of it comes from being expected to act appropriately at home. What do you do when he's 'defiant, wilful and bossy' at home?

If my daughter is defiant she get consequenced for it. Defiance is not acceptable in our house. If she doesn't agree with what she's being asked to do she can discuss it with us but a blunt 'no I wont!' or similar is not on. Just like when my boss at work wants me to do something I don't want to do. Same sort of thing for the other behaviours.

Tantrums at that age are completely unacceptable and TBH, I don't know anyone IRL who has kids older than about 2.5 who still tantrum unless their tantrums are productive (ie mum gives in to them)

We've made it clear our DD that at pre-school, the teachers have the same authority to tell her what to do as Dp and I do and that because they have to look after 20+ children, sometimes she is going to have to do things she doesn't want to and that's just tough luck.

There's a difference between being a leader and not cooperating for the best of the group. It's great when we see our children showing initiative, but there are also times when it's important to fit in with what others are doing. It's just part of being a functioning member of society - born leaders don't just do their own thing, they listen too, and contribute to positive outcomes for others.

I can remember observing a really dominant child at my sons 3yo kinder last year a couple of times while on parent duty. While he was articulate and obviously intelligent, he also made it really hard for the teacher to give other children attention. He seemed to find it difficult to understand that there was a time to let others speak or 'have a go'. By the end of the year, this little fellow seemed to be less popular because the other kids were beginning to mature around him and were looking for more equitable friendships.

Of course I'm not saying this reflects your son's behaviour in any way, but there's always another way of looking at things.

Firstly I probably should have pointed out that, that's their definition. From what I've seen it's a case of he just wants to do for himself and they won't let him. I'm not talking dangerous things but little things like take off his own shoes and sock or put away a jumper. They just seem to get frustrated he doesn't do it their way.

That said, we allow him to do for himself here. He gets his own milk and a cup and bowl and can make his own breakfast. He can put on his own socks (with help) and shoes. He all but dresses himself.

We don't have 1/3 the problems they seem to have.

Same goes for the tantrums. My pead has told me they're nothing to worry about and at home, again, he doesn't have them apart from the very rare 1/2 and at all times they're associated with being over tired.



And this is very much what we'd like to shape. To teach him how to be a leader.

Personally I'd like to work with them on a middle ground but they just want him to be exactly like the other kids.

So, as horrible as it sounds, they bring all the troubles on themselves because it seems to be the whole 'he's different, he's the problem' ethos rather than 'he's different, lets work with him'.

OP, it sounds to me like the PP's suggestion of a Montessori school may suit you and your child much better than a traditional school.

He sounds like a bit of a free spirit and quite outgoing, and you want to encourage him to be himself, but I think you (and your son) will always struggle in a conventional setting where the kids are expected to conform.

Why not investigate your closest Montessori schools?